Q: If you had a child what would you call it?@A: A mistake!
A cure for insanity / Kill all the sane people!
; Oscar Wilde
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
Young men want to be faithful and are not; old men want to be faithless and cannot.
The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible. what the second is no one has as yet discovered.
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
;Some more from Ben Merrifield's "Quoter" quote file
Law of Regressive Achievement: Last year's was always better.
Berra's Second Law: Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
The Dumb Luck Rule: You can always hit what you don't aim at.
Maryann's Law: You can always find what you're not looking for.
Rule of Political Promises: Truth varies.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to raise your taxes.
Parson's Law of Passports: No one is as ugly as their passport photo.
Parks' Law of Taxes: What goes up, stays up.
The Pitfalls of Genius: No boss will keep an employee who is right all the time.
Schrimpton's Law of Teenage Opportunity: When opportunity knocks, you've got headphones on.
Thom's Law of Marital Bliss: The length of the marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding.
Everyone wants to be noticed, but no one wants to be watched.
Where there's a will, there's a won't.
No one listens until you make a mistake.
Always hire a rich attorney, never buy from a rich salesman.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
If it's good, they discontinue it.
Matilda's Sub-Committee Law: If you leave the room, you're elected.
Law of Life's Highway: If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Canada Bill's Motto: A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Young's Law: All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
When the plane you're on is late, the plane you are transferring to is on time.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
Laws of Postal Delivery: Important mail arrives late. Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.
Mrs. Weiler's Law: Anything is edible if it's chopped finely enough.
Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will.
Murphy's Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.
O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.
Ehrman's Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better ... who said things would get better?
Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away.
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: I.Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.
Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.
Carson's Law: It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.
Mark's mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
The first Myth of Management: It exists.
Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Vique's Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology; 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry; 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
Forgive and remember.
Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Goldwyn's Law of Contracts. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.
Design flaws travel in groups.
Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.
Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. - H. L. Mencken
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it. - H. L. Menchen
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. - H. L. Menchen
Adultery is the application of democracy to love. - H. L. Menchen
Murphy's Military Laws: 2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Murphy's Military Laws: 3. Friendly fire ain't.
Murphy's Military Laws: 4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
Murphy's Military Laws: 5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Murphy's Military Laws: 8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Kohn's Corollary: Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If it works DON'T FIX IT!!!! - MURPHY
The light at the end of the tunnel will be an on-coming train - MURPHY
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. - MAE WEST
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - SIGMUND FREUD
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. - WILLIE SUTTON
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs. - KARL MARX
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. - KARL MARX'S MOTHER
If two wrongs dont make a right, try a third - RICHARD M NIXON
You cant underestimate the power of fear. - TRICIA NIXON
Justice is incidental to law and order. - J EDGAR HOOVER
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - GROUCHO MARX
We are what we pretend to be. - KURT VONNEGUT, JR
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. - OSCAR WILDE
I could prove God statistically. - GEORGE GALLUP
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. - ALBERT EINSTEIN
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. - ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. - ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. - ALAN COULT
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. - RICHARD M NIXON
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. - DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic." - LEWIS CARROLL
It takes a long time to understand nothing. - EDWARD DAHLBERG
To know the world one must construct it. - CESARE PAVESE
If A equals success, then the formula is: [ A= X + Y + Z ] where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - ALBERT EINSTEIN
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. - ROGER LEVIAN
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. - CONFUCIUS
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability" - George Bernard Shaw -
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee... that will do them in.
Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion" - George Washington
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately" - Benjamin Franklin
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried" - Thomas Jefferson
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself" - Camus
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!" - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer" - Morris Kingston
"I've seen many politicians paralysed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralysed in the head" - George Wallace
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money" - Everett Dirksen
"I like a man who grins when he fights." - Winston Churchill
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true." - Winston Churchill
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on..." - Winston Churchill
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die" - John W. Campbell
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest" - Thoreau
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and over!
The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought." - Albert Szent-Gyorgi
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals" - "Oh, Lucky Man"
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbour." - Toynbee -
"We have met the enemy and he is us" - Walt Kelly (in POGO)
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity." - Oscar Wilde
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them" - Heisenberg
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of fooling" - R. Frost
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" - Ben Jonson
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Never eat anything bigger than your head. - B. Kliban
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all outta bubblegum." - Roddy Piper in "They Live"
Riddle: Q: How do you stop a clown from laughing? A: Hit him in the face with an axe.
"Now the world has gone to bed; Darkness won't engulf my head; I can see by infrared; How I hate the night" - Marvin the Paranoid Android
Proverb: Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside-down.
Proverb: Sticking face in fruit drink is good way to get punch in the nose
Don't lose your head; To gain a minute; You need your head; Your brains are in it. - BURMA SHAVE
Space is big; Space is dark; It's hard to find; A place to park. - BURMA SHAVE
When two English men meet, their talk is of the weather - Samual Johnson.
Little by little the sky was darkened by the mixing dust, and the wind felt over the earth, loosened the dust and carried it away - Jon Steinbeck.
I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly. - Montaigne.
Teaching is not a lost art, but regard for it is a lost tradition." - Jacques Barzun.
The Peter Principle : In a hierarchy individuals tend to rise to their levels of incompetence. - Dr Laurence J. Peter.
To make crime unprofitable, let the government run it. - Irene Peter.
The first my client knew of the accident was when it occurred. - A lawyer defending his client.
Crime will be committed as long as criminals aren't. - Bill Dana.
"It certainly has proved a bed of nails, and Sir James feels that it is time for a clean sheet." - David Davies, BBC.
"It was a terrible challenge. He had his legs decapitated." - Colin Gibson, BBC Radio Derby.
"As I say, if we score more points than them we'll win." - Kenny Daglish, Radio 5.
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone.
Nothing is easier than spending public money. It does not belong to anybody. The temptation is overwhelming to bestow it on somebody. - Calvin Coolidge.
Peter's Business Principle : If you do something wrong you're fined, if you do something right you're taxed. - Dr. L J Peter.
"Ring around the roses; coronary thrombosis; Seizure, seizure; All fall down." - A Bard.
"It is not enough that we should succeed, but our friends must fail as well." - La Rochefoucauld.
"It is the inherent right of the Government to lie to save itself." - Assistant Secretary of defence Arthur D. Sylvester.
"The Viet Cong will just peter out" - General Maxwell D Taylor, October 1966.
Albert Einstein would "never amount to very much" - Munich Technical Institute, 1898.
; cookies uploaded by Wolfgang
"Compatible": Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
"Machine-independent": Does not run on any existing machine.
"Portable": Survives system reboot.
1 bull, 3 cows.
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Brain fried -- core dumped.
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Disc space -- the final frontier!
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. --Steinbach
Nice computers don't go down.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
One of the nice things about standards is that there are so many of them.
One person's error is another person's data.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Protect your software at all costs -- all else is meat.
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This screen intentionally left blank.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You may have mail.
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. --Brook
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
Avoid unnecessary branches.
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Choose variable names that won't be confused.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. --Gilb
Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
Design a system any fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.
Don't document the program; program the document.
Don't stop at one bug.
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
Know Thy User.
Let the machine do the dirty work.
Make input easy to proofread.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
Never write software that patronizes the user.
Performance is easier to add than clarity.
Remember: 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
The first version always gets thrown away.
The less time planning, the more time programming.
The wise person writes bomb-proof code.
There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
There can never be a computer language in which you can't write a bad program.
There's no problem which, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.
Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.
UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
Use free-form input where possible.
Watch out for off-by-one errors.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
Above all things, reverence yourself.
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Do not overtax your powers.
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
Everyone is enthusiastic about your work.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
Long life is in store for you.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
The time is right to make new friends.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You fill a much-needed gap.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
"All new": Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
"Define UNIVERSE; give two examples." "The perceived world; 1) mine, 2) yours."
"Foolproof operation": No provision for adjustment.
"New": Different color from previous model.
"No maintenance": Impossible to fix.
"One size fits all": Doesn't fit anyone.
"Rugged": Too heavy to lift.
28.35 grams of prevention are worth 0.45359 kilograms of cure.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom.
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
A king's castle is his home.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
A penny saved has not been spent.
A soft drink turneth away company.
A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
All in all it's just another brick in the wall...
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambiguity means telling the truth when you don't mean to.
Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case. --Horngren
An example of hard water is ice.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station rates.
Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the ground.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Conservative: One who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire.
Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
Don't use no double negatives, not never.
Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
Ducks? What ducks??
Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- Film at eleven.
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Everything you know is wrong!
Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.
Federal Reserve: A reserve where federal employees hunt wild game.
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first.
Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.
Genius is the infinite capacity for picking brains.
Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
Government expands to fill the available revenue, and then some.
Graft: An illegal means of uniting trees to make money.
Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who invents adages to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
Heat expands: in the summer the days are longer.
Heisenberg may have been here.
Hindsight is an exact science.
How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
Humor is the best antidote to reality.
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.
I will never lie to you.
I'm a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
I've already told you more than I know.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured.
If the ship's not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving.
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
Ignore previous fortune.
Imports are ports very far inland.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is it time for lunch yet?
Is this really happening?
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
It seems to make an auto driver mad if she misses you.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
It's better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It's better to wear out than to rust out.
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you're why he's nervous!
It's later than you think.
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down.
LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Liberal: Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
Life is like a fountain... I'll tell you how when I figure it out.
Life is like a sewer... What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Life is like an analogy.
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
Momentum is what you give a person when they are going away.
Mountain range: A cooking stove used at high altitudes.
Never give an inch!
Never verb your nouns.
No guts, no glory.
No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Omniscience: Talking only about things you know about.
One Bell System -- it sometimes works.
One thing leads to another, and usually does.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Packrat's credo: "I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to waste."
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
Politics consists of deals and ideals.
Professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep.
Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close.
Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
Quack!
Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
Quinine is the bark of a tree; canine is the bark of a dog.
Quit working and play for once!
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
Science is material. Religion is immaterial.
Scotty, beam me up a double!
Serendipity: The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
She walks as if balancing the family tree on her nose.
Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT."
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out of ammo.
System-independent: Works equally poorly on all systems.
Telepathy: Knowing what people think when really they don't think at all.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
The early worm gets the late bird.
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
The following statement is not true...
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
The law of gravity was enacted by the British Parliament.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The only difference between your girlfriend and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.
The wind blows harder in the summer so the sun sets later.
The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.
There's a vas deferens between men and women.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
There's no time like the pleasant.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
This is a good time to punt work.
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
To keep milk from turning sour you should keep it in the cow.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
Today is the last day of the past of your life.
Tomorrow looks like a good day to sleep in.
Too much is not enough.
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
When in doubt, lead trump.
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When you breathe you inspire. When you do not breathe you expire.
When you've seen one non-sequitar, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
Where is Denver? Denver is just below the O in Colorado.
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").
You are young only once, but you have a lifetime to be immature.
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
You can rent this profound space for only $5 a week.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You could be playing a video game instead.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You now have Asian Flu.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You're not paranoid if they're really after you...
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster; it is an opportunity.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A hammer sometimes misses its mark; a bouquet, never.
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
A page of history is worth a volume of logic.
A person forgives only when he is in the wrong.
A person paints with his brains and not with his hands.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
A problem found by appraisal must be found and fixed each time it occurs.
A problem found by solution is gone forever.
A standard that no one follows is worse than useless; it is a waste of time.
Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit. (Add little to little, get big pile.)
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All obstacles not foreseen will be tripped over.
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right person.
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
Anger kills.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Any illusion requires both time and space to be experienced.
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if God won't have you, the devil must.
Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
Avoidable complexity should indeed be avoided.
Before buying a piece of property, walk around its perimeter.
Being right is seldom enough. Even the best ideas must be packaged and sold.
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. --Chinese proverb
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
Capitalism is the exploitation of one man by another; socialism is the reverse.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Children become ready for toilet training and independence at the same time.
Consider all outcomes before taking a step, and spend your life on one leg.
Constant reorganization is the hallmark of a dynamic organization.
Courage is grace under pressure.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the one experience which we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
Do, or do not; there is no try.
Don't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves.
Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Don't teach your children what to think; just teach them to think. --Tannenbaum
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Every erroneous inference involves admitting insufficient evidence as data.
Every purchase has its price.
Everybody ought to have a friend.
Everyone stays busy keeping other people busy.
Everything expands to fill the available space.
Extraordinary people use their wisdom to avoid the need for their skill.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
Faith is that quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Fighting for peace is like making love for virginity.
Find time to work smarter.
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
God may be subtle, but she isn't plain mean.
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
Happy-go-lucky people can only be happy when they are lucky.
Having no security is better than thinking you have security when you don't.
He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who hates vices hates mankind.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who laughs, lasts.
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
Honesty is better than lying.
How you look depends on where you go.
Humans are not rational beings; they are rationalizing beings.
I don't make much sense because the rest of the world doesn't either.
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted.
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
If you can distinguish between good and bad advice, you don't need advice.
If you can't tell the difference, there is no difference.
If you can't write it right, you can't think it right.
If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't go anywhere.
If you haven't time to do it right now, how will you redo it right later?
If you seem to know what you are doing, you'll be given more to do.
If you suspect a person, don't employ him.
If you're happy, you're successful.
Ignorance: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
Information that is hard to access is worth less than none at all.
Integrity has no need for rules.
It's a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's amazing how much one person can do, little by little, over time.
It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
It's difficult to be depressed while you're doing something.
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It's easier to run down a hill than up one.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
Knowledge is better than ignorance.
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
Lend money to a bad debtor and she will hate you.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is not a dress rehersal.
Life is the urge to ecstasy.
Life need not be a zero-sum game.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Live with grace.
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Making rules is easy, but living by them is virtually impossible.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are called; few volunteer.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many pages make a thick book.
Many receive advice; few profit from it.
May you live all the days of your life.
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Never assume villany when mere incompetence suffices.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No one understands anything that isn't funny.
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
No question is so difficult as that to which the answer is obvious.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Non Illegitemus Carborundum. (Don't let the bastards wear you down.)
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
One meets her destiny often on the road she takes to avoid it.
One of these days is none of these days.
One person tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
People only notice squeaky wheels.
Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
Pictures worth a thousand words take ten thousand times as long to draw.
Possessions create pain.
Power is poison.
Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Slang: Language that doffs its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some of us learn from other peoples' errors. The rest must be the other people.
Sometimes it takes wisdom to stop beating your head against the wall.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
The answers to prayers are usually found in those who pray.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The biggest mistake is not learning from all your other mistakes.
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
The door is the key.
The effort required to correct your course increases exponentially with time.
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The human mind seeks to resolve internal conflict, even by false means.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
The only feeling warmer than friendship is that of an old love.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
The plural of spouse is spice.
The price of greatness is responsibility.
The root purpose of government is to enable public goods.
The smallest of good deeds exceeds the greatest of good intentions.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
The speed of light is defined to be EXACTLY 299,792,458 meters per second.
The three best ways to get where you want to go are: persist, persist, persist.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
There are old pilots, and bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.
There is safety in anonymity.
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
There's no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
Those who know, do not say; those who say, do not know.
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
Time and tide wait for no man.
To criticize the incompetent is easy; to criticize the competent is harder.
To extend your limits, you must push them... and it often hurts.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To teach is to learn.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
Use it or lose it.
Use the simplest solution which suffices.
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
We all have style, but few have class.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We do not remember days; we remember moments.
What awful irony is this? We are as gods, but know it not.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
When cutting down trees, remember to pause now and then to sharpen your axe.
When sex is good, it's only 2% of a marriage; but when it's bad, it's 98%.
When the need arises, anything within reach becomes a hammer.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
With clothes the new are best; with friends the old are best.
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
You always find what you're looking for in the last place you look.
You may not be responsible for falling down, but you are for getting back up.
You only live once but, if you live right, once is enough.
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
Youth is the trustee of posterity.
...context... --Manny Farber
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. --Dyer
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. --Klipstein
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. --Patton
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. --Creighton
A man must not swallow more beliefs than he can digest. --Havelock Ellis
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. --George Wald
A system meant for common use should rarely need uncommon knowledge. --Redford
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. --Ziggy
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) --Stafford Beer
All great discoveries are made by mistake. --Young
All laws are simulations of reality. --John C. Lilly
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. -Dawkins
All the good ones are taken. --Harris
All we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. --Hegel
All you need to know is the user interface. --J. Redford
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. --Booker
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. --Van Roy
And that's the way it is... --Walter Cronkite
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. --Harris
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. --Clarke
Anyone can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. --Cicero
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. --Weisert
Be sure your ladder of success is leaning against the right wall. --Dobson
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. --O'Neill
Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge. --Goethe
Better clean death than dirty life. --Frank Herbert
Business will be either better or worse. --Calvin Coolidge
Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. --Aldous Huxley
Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. --Thomas
Continental Life. Why do you ask?
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them. --Finagle
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Don't Worry, Be Happy. --Meher Baba
Don't eat the yellow snow.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer. --Anthony
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. --Spock
Draw a circle around your love and hate will walk the line. --Hugh Prather
Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak...
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology. --Blaauw
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. --Beckett
Everybody has something to conceal. --Humphrey Bogart
Everyone is in the best seat. --John Cage
Everything changes but change itself. --John F. Kennedy
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. --Miller
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experience: Something you don't get until just after you need it. --Olivier
Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches. --Longworth
Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Find an aim in life before you run out of ammunition. --Arnold Glasow
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. --Scotti
For a good time, call 555-3100.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. --Harrison
For every complex problem there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
God does not play dice with the universe. --Albert Einstein
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. --Alfred Jarry
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. --Daniel Dennett
Hate the sin and love the sinner. --Mahatma Gandhi
He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news. --Bertolt Brecht
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. --M. C. Escher
Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. --Neil Armstrong
How long should a man's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground. --Lincoln
Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. --Alan Kay
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. --Cash McCall
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. --Neil Armstrong
I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. --Turing
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying. --Woody Allen
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? --Harold Urey
If it works, don't fix it. --Sam Rayburn
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. --John Sinclair
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. --Truman
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. --Schmidt
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. --Maslow
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. --Wright
If you've seen one redwood you've seen them all. --Ronald Reagan
Imagination is more important than knowledge. --Einstein
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. --Alan Kay
Innovation is hard to schedule. --Dan Fylstra
Intolerance is a state no tolerant man can tolerate. --McGinley
It is not honest to be tactful. --Robert Taft
It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.
It's all in your mind, you know...
It's easier to apologize than to ask permission. --Stewart
It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. --Washlesky
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. --Miss November, 1966
Life is the childhood of our immortality. --Goethe
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. --J. Lennon
Logic doesn't apply to the real world. --Marvin Minsky
Love truth, pardon error. --Voltaire
Man belongs wherever he wants to go. --Wernher von Braun
Man is the measure of all things. --Protagoras
Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
May you live in interesting times. --Chinese curse
Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe. --Ray
Meeting: Gathering where the minutes are kept and the hours lost. --Gourd
Minds are like parachutes; they only function when fully open. --Sir James Dewar
Most people deserve each other. --Shirley
Neckties strangle clear thinking. --Lin Yutang
Never buy from a rich salesman. --Goldenstern
Never volunteer for anything. --Lackland
No man is good enough to govern another without that others' consent. --Lincoln
No matter what we are talking about, we are talking about ourselves. --Prather
No one really knows the detailed workings of everything around them. --Redford
No one understands everything, and no one needs to. --J. Redford
Nobody can make you feel inferior without consent. --Eleanor Roosevelt
Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. --Heisenberg
Nothing can be done in one trip. --Snider
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. --Weller
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
One big pile is better than two little piles. --Arlo Guthrie
One more such victory, and we are lost. --Pyrrus
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. --Baba Ram Dass
Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) --Gauss
People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. --Ken Kesey
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. --Jon Bentley
People will buy anything that's one to a customer. --Lewis
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. --Ryan
Real wealth can only increase. --R. Buckminster Fuller
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. --Hans Liepmann
Remember them as they were and write them off. --Ernest Hemingway
Rotten wood cannot be carved. --Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
Say no, then negotiate. --Helga
Space is to place as eternity is to time. --Joseph Joubert
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. --Wheeler
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Take what you can use and let the rest go by. --Kesey
Technology is no more of a problem now than it has always been. --J. Redford
That which is incapable of proof itself is not proof of anything else. -Shelley
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. --Neil Armstrong
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
The Universe is populated by stable things. --Richard Dawkins
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. --Blair
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich
The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. --Anne Morrow Lindberg
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
The only food for thought is more thought. --Peter Ustinov
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. --Phaedrus
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. --Bohr
The optimum committee has no members. --Norman Augustine
The present time has one advantage over every other. It is our own. --Colton
The race is not always to the swift... but that's the way to bet. --Runyon
The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. -Lichtenburg
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. --Peer
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. --Stenderup
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. --Hosea Ballou
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. --Sagan
The unknown always passes for the marvelous. --Tacitus
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. --Baba Ram Dass
There are no answers, only cross-references. --Weiner
There is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. --Russell
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. --Marie Antoinette
There seems no plan because it is all plan. --C. S. Lewis
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! --Doug Clifford
They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. --Eisenhower
Think globally; act locally. --Rene Dubos
Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself. --Plato
Those who learn nothing from history are doomed to repeat it. --Santayana
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. --Henry David Thoreau
To communicate is the beginning of understanding. --AT&T
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. --Thomas Edison
To love is wise; to hate is foolish. --Bertrand Russell
Too clever is dumb. --Ogden Nash
Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore!
Truly simple systems ... require infinite testing. --Norman Augustine
Two wrongs are only the beginning. --Kohn
Values are caught, not taught. --Dobson
Virtue is its own punishment. --Denniston
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. --Whole Earth Catalog
We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. --Winston Churchill
We are anthill men upon an anthill world. --Ray Bradbury
We are what we pretend to be. --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. --Yates
We can't change, but we can expand. --Nelson
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. --Richard Nixon
We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. --Carl Sagan
What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. --WOPR, War Games
What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? --Roger von Oech
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. --John Lilly
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. --Wittgenstein
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. --Lynch
When you don't talk, things get awfully quiet. --Martha Hartly
Where pain predominates, agony can be a valued teacher. --Frank Herbert
Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? --Jimmy Durante
Work expands to fill the time allotted to it. --Parkinson
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. --Philip Whalen
You are the only authority on what is best for you. --Hugh Prather
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. --Tim Leary
You can never do just one thing. --Hardin
You can't fall off the floor. --Paul
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. --Thoreau
You never gain something but that you lose something. --Thoreau
You'll find it all at Greeley Mall. --Radio advertisement
Your check is in the mail.
; fortunes from Cfortune by George Kerber
A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.
A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.
A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy all others.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A fool plunges ahead with great confidence.
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
A liberal is someone too poor to be conservative, and too rich to be a communist.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.
A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head.
A "Smith & Wesson" beats four aces.
A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a forgone conclusion.
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
A wise man has something to say, @a fool has to say something.
A wish is a desire without an attempt.
Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
After a number of decimal places, @nobody gives a damn.
After things have gone from bad to worse, @the cycle will repeat itself.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
All animals are created equal, but some animals are created more equal than others.
All general statements are false.
All great ideas are controversial, @or have been at one time.
All in all, you're just @another brick in the wall....
All's fair in Love and War @(Is there a difference?)
Always remember that strength is obtained by meeting resistance.
An easily understood workable falsehood is more useful than a complex incomprehensible truth
An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data must be discarded to agree with the theory.
An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist FEARS it's true.
An optimist is one who makes the best of it, @when he gets the worst of it.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Any government that is strong enough to give the people everything they want @is a government that's strong enough to take it away.
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. @Arthur C. Clarke
Any system that depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Apathy is the worlds fastest growing disease. @But who cares?
Attitude determines your altitude.
Average is as close to the bottom as to the top.
Attitude determines your altitude.
Be careful of your thoughts, @they may become words at any moment.
Beauty may only be skin deep, @but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Being born was just the first of my crimes.
Better a pebble given out of love, @than a diamond given out of duty.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, @the root of all evil.
Big Brother is Watching! @George Orwell
Boycott Jane Fonda. @(everyone hates Jane Fonda, don't they?)
By perseverance, @the snail reached the ark.
Calculation never made a hero.
Change is certain, @progress is not.
Character is what you know you are, @not what others think you are.
Coles Law: @Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Confession is good for the soul, @but bad for the career.
Confusion creates jobs!
Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.
Delusions are often functional.
Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one.
Desperate men do desperate things.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Don't force it, @get a larger hammer.
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Every dog has his day.
Every man has the right to be wrong in his opinions, but no man has the right to be wrong in his facts.
Every man must row with the oars he has.
Every purchase has it's price.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everything is worth what it's purchaser will pay for it.
Expenditures rise to meet available income.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Expert advice is a great comfort, @even when it's wrong.
Facts are stubborn things.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
For every action, @there is an equal and opposite government program.
For whatever reason, be it historical, or oppression, or what have you, @there are an awful lot of not too bright women.
Forgive and Remember.
Form never follows function.
Friends come and go, @but enemies accumulate.
Friends don't let their friends drive drunk.
Get yours while there's still some left.
Goals are dreams with deadlines.
God does not play dice.
God made the integers, @all else is the work of man.
God may be subtle, @but he isn't plain mean.
Good fences make good neighbors.
Government can't change the course of the ship, it merely adjusts the compass.
Government isn't the solution, it's the problem. @Ronald Reagan
Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us.
Gun control is being able to hit your target.
Habit is stronger than reason.
He that would first govern others, @first should be a master of himself.
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has the gold makes the rules.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who is ignorant of the past, @is condemned to repeat it.
He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it.
He who pays the piper calls the tune.
He who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help Stamp Out and Eliminate Redundancy @Help Stamp Out and Eliminate Redundancy
Hindsight is an exact science.
History repeats itself.
How much dirt must you shovel on something that's already dead?
Human beings are consistently inconsistent.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
I already came, @so stop jerking me off.
I don't know, I don't care and it doesn't make any difference.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
If at first you don't succeed, @redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, @try someone else.
If god didn't exist, @it would be necessary to invent him.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; @it's opinion.
If it weren't for the last minute, @nothing would get done.
If rats are experimented on, @they will develop cancer.
If she's Snow White, @then I must be Grumpy.
If tempted by something that feels "altruistic", examine your motives and root out the self-deception.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, @they must be disposed of.
If the opposite of pro is con, @what is the opposite of Progress?
If there is an opinion, @facts will be found to support it.
If things were left to chance, @they'd be better.
It works better if you plug it in.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, @start at the answer and derive the question.
If you can't measure it, @I'm not interested.
If you can't win, make the one in front of you break the record.
If you consult enough experts, @you can confirm any opinion.
If you do something right once, @someone will ask you to do it again.
If you don't know where you're going, @any road will take you there.
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer, @it just seems that way.
If you want to get along, @go along.
If you're coasting, @you're going downhill.
If you've got 'em by the balls, @their hearts and minds will follow.
If you're strong enough, @there are no precedents.
Ignorance is Bliss! @George Orwell
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, @is the mistake.
In the act of loving someone, @you arm them against you.
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
Individualists Unite!
Inflation is one form of taxation that can be imposed without legislation.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Instead of putting others in their place, @put yourself in their place.
Integrity has no need of rules.
Interchangeable parts won't.
It is better to risk saving a guilty man, @than to condemn an innocent one.
It is the loose ends with which men hang themselves.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better to be a lion for a day, @than a sheep all your life.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, @than to open it and remove all doubt.
It's fascinating how memory diffuses fact.
It's hard to detect good luck, @it looks so much like @something you've earned.
It's not easy taking problems one at a time, @when they refuse to get in line.
It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.
Law, without force is impotent.
Life is tough, @life is tougher when you're stupid.
Man created god in his own image.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Men get mad and get it over with, @women hold grudges forever.
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than from nuclear power.
Most men who run down women are usually running down only one woman.
Most problems partially defined are problems partially solved.
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Law: @If anything can go wrong, it will.
Never forget what a man says to you when he's angry.
Never let hold of what you've got @until you've got hold of something else.
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
Never look behind you, @something may be gaining on you.
Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never trust anyone that volunteers to assume authority.
Never try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
New Jersey? @What exit....
Ninety percent of everything is bullshit.
No action is without side effects.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man can truly grow up while his father is still alive.
No man's life, liberty or possessions are safe while the legislature is in session.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one really knows enough to be a pessimist.
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere in your organization.
Not all men are fools, @some are bachelors.
Nothing is certain except death and taxes.
Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
Of all the forces acting on man, @change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.
Of all the things I've lost, @I miss my mind the most.
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.
Once you eliminate the impossible, what remains is the solution, no matter improbable it may seem.
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a bigger can.
One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.
Only God can make a random selection. @(Even though the computer randomly chose this message)
One of the few rules of evolution is that extreme specialization results in eventual extinction.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Parkinson's Axioms: @Officials want to multiply subordinates. @Officials make work for each other.
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
People are divided into two groups, the righteous and the un-righteous, @and the righteous do the dividing.
People don't plan to fail, @they fail to plan.
People who say they're willing to meet you halfway are often poor judges of distance.
Possessions increase to fill available space.
Power means not having to respond.
Pray for the success of atheism.
Problems are only Opportunities in Disguise.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.
Reality is for those people who can't cope with drugs.
Reality is the illusion produced by an alcohol deficiency.
Reality is the leading cause of stress, among those that are in touch with reality.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Remember the turtle, he never makes any progress until @he sticks his neck out.
Reputation is character minus what @you've been caught doing.
Rust Never Sleeps.
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
Say no, @then negotiate.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
She cried, @and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
Shirley's Law: @Most people deserve each other.
Shit Happens.
Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.
Software stands between man and his machine.
Sometimes you just gotta say @"What the fuck!"
Sometimes you step in it, @and sometimes you don't.
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
Statistical analysis has often meant the mainpulation of ambiguous data by means of dubious methods to solve a problem that has not been defined.
Stupid people shouldn't breed.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Technological man can't believe in anything that can't be measured, taped or put into a computer.
Thank God, we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend.
The best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd that's going somewhere @and get in front of them.
The field of probability is too important to be left to chance.
The final test of a gentleman is his respect for those who can be of no possible use to him.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The future isn't what it used to be.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The government that governs least governs best.
The greatest American superstition is the belief in facts.
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The greatest masterpiece of literature is only a dictionary out of order.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The knowledge that a secret exists is half the secret.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
The liberal paranoids @(if that's not redundant) are at it again.
The man who invented the guillotine died under it's knife.
The most dangerous of untruths, @are truths moderately distorted.
The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
The other line moves faster.
The person who knows everything has a lot to learn.
The pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change, @the realist adjusts the sails.
The price of greatness is responsibility.
The probability of being watched is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The probability of failure is directly proportional to the anxiety of the programmer.
The real world is a special case.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
The secret of success is sincerity, learn to fake it and you've got it made.
The solution to the problem, @changes the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sum of intelligence on the planet is constant, @the population is growing.
The supply of government exceeds the demand.
The ten most feared words in the English language are: @"Hello, I'm from the government and I'm here to help...."
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, @you're still a rat.
The world wisely chooses happiness over wisdom.
The worst form of inequality is to try and make unequal things equal.
The worst thing in the world, next to anarchy, is government.
There are no winners in life, @only survivors.
There are two reasons for doing things, a very good reason and the real reason.
There are white lies, damn lies and @statistics.
There is more to fear from an army of 100 sheep led by a lion, than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
There is no greater wrath than a woman scorned. @(or one that thinks she was)
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no such thing as a fail-safe design.
There is no such thing as a "free lunch". @(only a choice of restaurants)
There is no such thing as a little garlic.
There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest it.
There's three sides to every story, yours, mine and @the cold hard truth.
Those who don't study the past will repeat it's errors.
They never remember when I'm right and never forget when I'm wrong.
Time is natures way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time rarely proceeds at a pace perceived by the individual as appropriate.
To love is to be vulnerable.
To make an enemy, @do someone a favor.
To think is easy and to act is hard, but the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.
Today is the day you worried about yesterday.
Tolerances will accumulate uni-directionally toward maximum difficultly to assemble.
Total paranoia is perfect awareness.
Trust everyone, @then cut the cards.
Two farmers, each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on it's head and the other on the tail, @the cow was milked by a lawyer.
Unity is a polite word for control.
Unless you're the lead mule, @the scenery is always the same.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Walk softly and carry a @big stick.
Watch out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow.
We, the willing , led by the unknowing are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We cannot imagine how our lives could be more frustrating or complex, @but congress can...
We have met the enemy and he is us.
Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.
What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda? @-- She went to Vietnam --
What men learn from history, @is that men do not learn from history.
What's the difference between marriage and a gun? @--- The gun is faster.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
When all else fails, @lower your standards.
When all else fails, @read the instructions.
When does a system administrator do the first backup? @The first day on the job after the system adminsitrator who never did.
When guns are outlawed, @only outlaws will have guns.
When in doubt, @predict that the present trend will continue.
When it gets to be your turn, @they change the rules.
When people are free to do as they choose, @they usually imitate each other.
When regard for the truth has been broken down or even slightly weakened, @all things remain doubtful.
When two men in business always agree, @one of them is unnecessary.
When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, @fraud will result.
When working toward the solution of a problem, @it always helps if you already know the answer.
When your opponent is down, @kick him.
Where all think alike, @no one thinks very much.
Why do divorces cost so much? @-- Because they're worth it! --
Why is it that all the women that are against abortion, @no one would want to fuck anyway???
What the hell, @go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Call a spade a spade, a hoe a hoe, and a pitchfork a pitchfork.
Freedom is never free.
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.
You aren't drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You can achieve more by patience than talent.
You can close your eyes to reality, @but not to memories.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical @as readily as by being too trusting.
You can have peace or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.
You can observe alot just by watching.
You can tune a piano, @but you can't tuna fish.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.
You can't become a martyr every time you get ticked off.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
You can't fix it if it ain't broke.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't win, you can't break even, @you can't even quit.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot lift up the wage-earner up by pulling down the wage-payer.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You know you're in trouble when you can't stand folks who are intolerant.
You'll find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes, @keep this is mind.
You're never alone with a schizophrenic.
A computer's attention span is only as long as it's power cord.
Everything needs a little oil now and then.
You can't gaurd against the arbitrary.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Love stinks.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
What most people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidities.
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, @but we never hear his side.
Nothing happens to you that hasn't happened to someone else.
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearance.
When in doubt, @tell the truth.
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
The more advanced the civilization, @the less powerful the individual.
When in doubt, @power down.
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability is intolerable.
The error-detection and correction capabilites of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
Everything you know is wrong.
Always draw your curves, @then plot the data.
Appearances often are deceiving.
Be careful what you wish for, @you might get it.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. @Monogamy is the same.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Colorless green odors gravitate furiously.
Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
Do not tell big lies. @Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't crush that dwarf, @hand me the pliers.
Don't ever slam a door, @you might want to go back.
If you push something hard enough, @it will fall over.
If you don't care where you are, @then you ain't lost.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never, ever use @repetitive redundancies.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Sooner or later, @the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
When in doubt, @take all the defaults.
Who is John Galt?
The most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
California has it's faults.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Of the choice of two evils, @pick the one you've never tried before.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, @they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. @They only think they are.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
TRAPEZOID - @A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When in doubt, @don't bother.
Commodore Amiga, the computer for the creative mind.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
A place for everything, and everything in its place.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect --- @Mark Twain
Good advice usually works best when preceded by a bad scare.
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous, @you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.
It is important for our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, @and important to friendship that we are not.
Storms make trees take deeper roots.
He who praises everybody, @praises nobody.
Sometimes the fool who rushes in @gets the job done.
How can you be in two places at once, @when you're nowhere at all?
; cookies from PMBSCookie
Only borrow from pessimists -- they don't expect to be paid back.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Programmer: Red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects, and often does.
Programmer's Cheer: Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up! Push down! Byte! Byte! Byte!
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
Lee's Law: "Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there'd be so many."
Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
I don't believe in astrology. I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.
Why can't you be unique and original like everybody else?
What part of "NO" don't you understand?
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
A programming language that does not affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.
Semiconductor: part time band leader
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.(Ambrose Bierce)
It is easier to write an incorrect program than to understand a correct one.
"C" combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
Real Time: here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong. A woman forgives never.(dedicated to Mirca)
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything -- with nothing!
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.(Samuel Johnson)
I am not arguing with you -- I am telling you.
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
A Smartmodem often isn't.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare!
Microwave: signal from a friendly micro
Q: Why did God invent women?@A: 'Cause sheep can't cook...
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.(Earl Wilson)
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.(Anatole France)
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
On the other hand...... you have 5 more fingers.
I don't normally kill strangers, but I seem to have run out of friends.
My, I wonder what this fine rope is doing here.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
Pedestrian: A man who didn't believe his wife when she said they needed two cars.
"I have a map of the United States. People ask me where I live, and I say, E6."(Steve Wright)
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.(Ogden Nash)
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Geniuses remove it.
Could John Wayne have ever taken Normandy, Iwo Jima, Korea, the Gulf of Tonkin, and the entire Wild West on a diet of quiche and salad?
All in all, it's just another brick in the wall ...
Unicorns aren't mythical -- virgins are!
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
Hellrung's Law: "If you wait, it will go away." Shavelson's Extension: "...after having done its damage." Grelb's Addition: "If it was bad, it will be back."
Megahertz: a very large car rental company.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels."(A Chinese child)
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.(Einstein)
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.(F. P. Jones)
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."(Ashleigh Brilliant)
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."(Ashleigh Brilliant)
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
"If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder."(Pope John Paul I)
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
I'll have you know, sir, that I cannot be bought. However if you want to rent me for a while, well...
"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."(Jules de Gaultier)
It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
It is better to have loved and lost than to have hated and won.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.(Hawkwind)
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
Life is hard and then you die.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.(Voltaire)
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
No matter where you go on a bicycle, it will always be uphill and into the wind.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
Proper treatment can cure a cold in seven days -- but left to itself it'll hang on for a week.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.(dedicated to Mirca)
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
There are three things I have always loved and never understood -art, music, and women.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, administrate.
TRUE happiness will be found only in TRUE love.
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."(Salvador Hardin)
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
"Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years"(Iron Maiden)
"We have met the enemy and not only is he ours, he is us."(Walt Kelly)
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.(dedicated to Anne)
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
I waited and waited, and when nobody called, I knew it was from you.(dedicated to Anne)
We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is more than she ever did.(Rufus T. Firefly, in "Duck Soup")
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
"When everything has been seen to work, all integrated, you have four more months of work to do."(C. Portman of ICL Ltd.)
There are no saints, only unrecognized villains.
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow.
Money talks...but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye"
"If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better."(Karl Marx's Mother)
"If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?"(Richard M. Nixon)
"Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles."(Frank Lloyd Wright)
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.(Spiro Agnew)
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.(Ronald Reagan)
If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all.(a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang)
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.(Oscar Wilde)
Take me home to the modemcity, where the calls are free and the polls are pretty...'
...if(2B|!2B) user->prefs.shakespeare=TRUE;
Windows/NT - brought to you by the makers of EDLIN
Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.(Joseph Fischer)
Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.(Gerald Weinberg)
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.(Graffiti)
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.(Samuel Goldwyn)
"'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"(George Bernard Shaw)
Civilization Law #1: Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one can do without thinking about them.
Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations."(Thomas Jefferson)
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles."(Pat Paulsen)
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"(Bill Kirchenbaum)
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer."(Morris Kingston)
"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head."(George Wallace)
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."(Everett Dirksen)
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and over!
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it"(Gordon R. Dickson)
Computer arithmetic has two properties that add to its mystery: - What you see is often not what you get - What you get is sometimes not what you wanted
... Press button to confirm, release to detonate !!!
"I'm gonna take a shotgun now people and, and disconnect my brain!!!" (The Blues Brothers)
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."(Toynbee)
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."(Voltaire)
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.(Joey Ramone)
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.(Seneca)
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.(Niels Bohr)
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.(C. N. Parkinson)
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."(Jane Wagner)
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.(Bengamin Disraeli)
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.(H. L. Mencken)
Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.(James J. Ling)
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.(Henry Brook Adams)
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.(Robert Lucky)
-How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb? -"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
"Morality is one thing. Ratings are everything."(A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom")
"All these black people are screwing up my democracy."(Ian Smith)
Life starts at '030, fun starts at '040, impotence starts at '86
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it foryour life!
Real Programmers Don't Write Pascal
THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT: A real programmer does not have any habit - he just IS !
Double your PC HardDisk-Space ! Delete Windows!
TITANIC .. HINDENBURG .. CHALLENGER .. MS-DOS .. WINDOWS NT
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are on the market.
"Everywhere I've been in Manhattan the streets are called Walk and Don't Walk."(Terry Pratchett)
"Objects may be divided up in three categories: malfunctioning objects, objects getting broken and objects getting lost."(Russel Baker)
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
"What does the future of MSDOS hold? Technically it's completely obsolete. Programming is a nightmare."(A.S.Tanenbaum)
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
If you know women, you WILL prefer computers!
"Why do men go to war? Because women are watching."(T. S. Eliot)
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."(Richard M. Nixon)
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
How to turn your PC into a GameBoy : Type "WIN" at C:\>
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good."(Bill Gates)
Patient: "Doctor, my arm hurts when I do this..."@Doctor : "Well, don't do that!"
My computer is so fast, it runs an endless loop in two seconds.
; fortunes from SelectCookie by Stefan Strahl
Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of all religions.
Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.
A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.
A computer's attention span is only as long as it's power cord.
A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy all others.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A fool plunges ahead with great confidence.
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
A liberal is someone too poor to be conservative, and too rich to be a communist.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.
A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a forgone conclusion.
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability is intolerable.
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
A wise man has something to say, a fool has to say something.
A wish is a desire without an attempt.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
All animals are created equal, but some animals are created more equal than others.
All general statements are false.
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All in all, you're just another brick in the wall....
All's fair in Love and War (Is there a difference?)
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side!
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always remember that strength is obtained by meeting resistance.
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
An easily understood workable falsehood is more useful than a complex incomprehensible truth
An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data must be discarded to agree with the theory.
An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist FEARS it's true.
An optimist is one who makes the best of it, when he gets the worst of it.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any government that is strong enough to give the people everything they want is a government that's strong enough to take it away.
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
Any system that depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Apathy is the worlds fastest growing disease. But who cares?
Appearances often are deceiving.
Attitude determines your altitude.
Average is as close to the bottom as to the top.
Attitude determines your altitude.
Brain fried -- Core dumped
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.
Beauty may only be skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Being born was just the first of my crimes.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.
By perseverance, the snail reached the ark.
California has it's faults.
Calculation never made a hero.
Change is certain, progress is not.
Character is what you know you are, not what others think you are.
Coles Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Colorless green odors gravitate furiously.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confusion creates jobs!
Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes.
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Defeat is never fatal unless you give up.
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
Do not tell big lies. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
Don't ever slam a door, you might want to go back.
Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.
Delusions are often functional.
Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one.
Desperate men do desperate things.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Everything needs a little oil now and then.
Everything you know is wrong.
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Every dog has his day.
Every man has the right to be wrong in his opinions, but no man has the right to be wrong in his facts.
Every man must row with the oars he has.
Every purchase has it's price.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everything is worth what it's purchaser will pay for it.
Expenditures rise to meet available income.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Expert advice is a great comfort, even when it's wrong.
Facts are stubborn things.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For whatever reason, be it historical, or oppression, or what have you, there are an awful lot of not too bright women.
Forgive and Remember.
Form never follows function.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
Goto: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Good advice usually works best when preceded by a bad scare.
Get yours while there's still some left.
Goals are dreams with deadlines.
God does not play dice.
God made the integers, all else is the work of man.
God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
Good fences make good neighbors.
Government can't change the course of the ship, it merely adjusts the compass.
Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us.
Gun control is being able to hit your target.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
He who praises everybody, praises nobody.
How can you be in two places at once, when you're nowhere at all?
Habit is stronger than reason.
He that would first govern others, first should be a master of himself.
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has the gold makes the rules.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who is ignorant of the past, is condemned to repeat it.
He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it.
He who pays the piper calls the tune.
He who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help Stamp Out and Eliminate Redundancy
Hindsight is an exact science.
History repeats itself.
Human beings are consistently inconsistent.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
Idiot Box: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
It's easier said than done.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. But if you really make them think they'll hate you.
It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearance.
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It is important for our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.
I already came, so stop jerking me off.
I don't know, I don't care and it doesn't make any difference.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, try someone else.
If god didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it's opinion.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If rats are experimented on, they will develop cancer.
If she's Snow White, then I must be Grumpy.
If tempted by something that feels "altruistic", examine your motives and root out the self-deception.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If the opposite of pro is con, what is the opposite of Progress?
If there is an opinion, facts will be found to support it.
If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
It works better if you plug it in.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
If you can't measure it, I'm not interested.
If you can't win, make the one in front of you break the record.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer, it just seems that way.
If you want to get along, go along.
If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
If you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you're strong enough, there are no precedents.
Ignorance is Bliss! - George Orwell
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
In the act of loving someone, you arm them against you.
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
Individualists Unite!
Inflation is one form of taxation that can be imposed without legislation.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place.
Integrity has no need of rules.
Interchangeable parts won't.
It is better to risk saving a guilty man, than to condemn an innocent one.
It is the loose ends with which men hang themselves.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better to be a lion for a day, than a sheep all your life.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt.
It's fascinating how memory diffuses fact.
It's hard to detect good luck, it looks so much like something you've earned.
It's not easy taking problems one at a time, when they refuse to get in line.
It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Join the march to eliminate regimentation.
Loose lips, sink ships.
Love stinks.
Law, without force is impotent.
Life is tough, life is tougher when you're stupid.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Man created god in his own image.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Men get mad and get it over with, women hold grudges forever.
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than from nuclear power.
Most men who run down women are usually running down only one woman.
Most problems partially defined are problems partially solved.
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.
No other person has the right to decide what is moral (right or wrong) for you.
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
Nothing happens to you that hasn't happened to someone else.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never forget what a man says to you when he's angry.
Never let hold of what you've got, until you've got hold of something else.
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
Never look behind you, something may be gaining on you.
Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never trust anyone that volunteers to assume authority.
Never try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
New Jersey? What exit....
Ninety percent of everything is bullshit.
No action is without side effects.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man's life, liberty or possessions are safe while the legislature is in session.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one really knows enough to be a pessimist.
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere in your organization.
Not all men are fools, some are bachelors.
Nothing is certain except death and taxes.
Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
Of the choice of two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Once bitten, twice shy.
Of all the forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.
Once you eliminate the impossible, what remains is the solution, no matter improbable it may seem.
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a bigger can.
One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.
Only God can make a random selection. (Even though the computer randomly chose this message)
One of the few rules of evolution is that extreme specialization results in eventual extinction.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Politicians do it to Everyone.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Parkinson's Axioms: Officials want to multiply subordinates. Officials make work for each other.
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
People are divided into two groups, the righteous and the un-righteous, and the righteous do the dividing.
People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan.
People who say they're willing to meet you halfway are often poor judges of distance.
Possessions increase to fill available space.
Power means not having to respond.
Pray for the success of atheism.
Problems are only Opportunities in Disguise.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real Users never use the Help key.
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.
Reality is for those people who can't cope with drugs.
Reality is the illusion produced by an alcohol deficiency.
Reality is the leading cause of stress, among those that are in touch with reality.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Remember the turtle, he never makes any progress until he sticks his neck out.
Reputation is character minus what you've been caught doing.
Rust Never Sleeps.
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Strike while the iron is still hot.
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous, you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.
Storms make trees take deeper roots.
Sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done.
Sometimes it's easier to do it yourself.
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
Say no, then negotiate.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.
Shit Happens.
Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.
Software stands between man and his machine.
Sometimes you just gotta say "What the fuck!"
Sometimes you step in it, and sometimes you don't.
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
Stupid people shouldn't breed.
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
The superfluous is very necessary.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
Test makers do it sometimes/always/never.
The more advanced the civilization, the less powerful the individual.
The mind is like a parachute, it works better when it's open.
The most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
The error-detection and correction capabilites of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Technological man can't believe in anything that can't be measured, taped or put into a computer.
Thank God, we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend.
The best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd that's going somewhere and get in front of them.
The field of probability is too important to be left to chance.
The final test of a gentleman is his respect for those who can be of no possible use to him.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The future isn't what it used to be.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The government that governs least governs best.
The greatest American superstition is the belief in facts.
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The greatest masterpiece of literature is only a dictionary out of order.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The knowledge that a secret exists is half the secret.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
The liberal paranoids (if that's not redundant) are at it again.
The man who invented the guillotine died under it's knife.
The most dangerous of untruths, are truths moderately distorted.
The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
The other line moves faster.
The person who knows everything has a lot to learn.
The pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change, the realist adjusts the sails.
The price of greatness is responsibility.
The probability of being watched is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The probability of failure is directly proportional to the anxiety of the programmer.
The real world is a special case.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
The secret of success is sincerity, learn to fake it and you've got it made.
The solution to the problem, changes the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sum of intelligence on the planet is constant, the population is growing.
The supply of government exceeds the demand.
The ten most feared words in the English language are: "Hello, I'm from the government and I'm here to help...."
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
The world wisely chooses happiness over wisdom.
The worst form of inequality is to try and make unequal things equal.
The worst thing in the world, next to anarchy, is government.
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
There are two reasons for doing things, a very good reason and the real reason.
There are white lies, damn lies and statistics.
There is more to fear from an army of 100 sheep led by a lion, than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
There is no point in being proud of something you have no control over.
There is no greater wrath than a woman scorned.(or one that thinks she was)
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no such thing as a fail-safe design.
There is no such thing as a "free lunch".(only a choice of restaurants)
There is no such thing as a little garlic.
There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest it.
There's three sides to every story, yours, mine and the cold hard truth.
Those who don't study the past will repeat it's errors.
They never remember when I'm right and never forget when I'm wrong.
Time is natures way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time rarely proceeds at a pace perceived by the individual as appropriate.
To love is to be vulnerable.
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
To think is easy and to act is hard, but the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.
Today is the day you worried about yesterday.
Tolerances will accumulate uni-directionally toward maximum difficultly to assemble.
Total paranoia is perfect awareness.
Trust everyone, then cut the cards.
Two farmers, each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on it's head and the other on the tail, the cow was milked by a lawyer.
Unity is a polite word for control.
Unless you're the lead mule, the scenery is always the same.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
What most people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidities.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
When in doubt, power down.
When in doubt, take all the defaults.
Who is John Galt?
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When in doubt, don't bother.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect --- Mark Twain
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
Watch out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow.
We, the willing , led by the unknowing are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We cannot imagine how our lives could be more frustrating or complex, but congress can...
We have met the enemy and he is us.
Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.
What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda?-- She went to Vietnam --
What men learn from history, is that men do not learn from history.
What's the difference between marriage and a gun? --- The gun is faster.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When does a system administrator do the first backup? The first day on the job after the system administrator who never did.
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
When people are free to do as they choose, they usually imitate each other.
When regard for the truth has been broken down or even slightly weakened, all things remain doubtful.
When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, fraud will result.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you already know the answer.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.
Why do divorces cost so much? -- Because they're worth it! --
Why is it that all the women that are against abortion, no one would want to fuck anyway???
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.
Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will atttempt to use it.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damn foolproof.
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.
You aren't drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You can achieve more by patience than talent.
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting.
You can have peace or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.
You can observe alot just by watching.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.
You can't become a martyr every time you get ticked off.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
You can't fix it if it ain't broke.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't win, you can't break even, you can't even quit.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot lift up the wage-earner up by pulling down the wage-payer.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You know you're in trouble when you can't stand folks who are intolerant.
You'll find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes, keep this is mind.
You're never alone with a schizophrenic.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
; Christian Kemp, 1st January 1996
New: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Define UNIVERSE; give two examples. The perceived world; 1) mine, 2) yours.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustment.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
New: Different color from previous model.
No maintenance: Impossible to fix.
One size fits all: Doesn't fit anyone.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -- Dyer
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. -- Klipstein
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. -- Patton
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. -- Creighton
A hammer sometimes misses its mark; a bouquet, never.
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom.
A king's castle is his home.
A man must not swallow more beliefs than he can digest. -- Havelock Ellis
A penny saved has not been spent.
A person forgives only when he is in the wrong.
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
A standard that no one follows is worse than useless; it is a waste of time.
A system meant for common use should rarely need uncommon knowledge. -- Redford
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) -- Stafford Beer
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit. (Add little to little, get big pile.)
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All great discoveries are made by mistake. -- Young
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All in all it's just another brick in the wall...
All laws are simulations of reality. -- John C. Lilly
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. -- Dawkins
All obstacles not foreseen will be tripped over.
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the good ones are taken. -- Harris
All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
All we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. -- Hegel
All you need to know is the user interface. -- J. Redford
Ambiguity means telling the truth when you don't mean to.
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right person.
Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -- Horngren
An example of hard water is ice.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -- Van Roy
And that's the way it is... -- Walter Cronkite
Anger kills.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any illusion requires both time and space to be experienced.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Harris
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. -- Clarke
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. -- Cicero
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if God won't have you, the devil must.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station rates.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
Avoid unnecessary branches.
Avoidable complexity should indeed be avoided.
Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the ground.
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Be sure your ladder of success is leaning against the right wall. -- Dobson
Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge. -- Goethe
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. -- Chinese proverb
Better clean death than dirty life. -- Frank Herbert
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Brain fried - core dumped.
Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
Capitalism is the exploitation of one man by another; socialism is the reverse.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Children become ready for toilet training and independence at the same time.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. -- Gilb
Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. -- Thomas
Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the one experience which we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Design a system any fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire.
Diplomacy: The art of saying nice doggie until you can find a rock.
Disc space - the final frontier!
Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them. -- Finagle
Do not overtax your powers.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Do, or do not; there is no try.
Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.
Don't document the program; program the document.
Don't eat the yellow snow.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony
Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. -- Spock
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Don't stop at one bug.
Don't teach your children what to think; just teach them to think. -- Tannenbaum
Don't use no double negatives, not never.
Don't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher Baba
Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Ducks? What ducks??
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology. -- Blaauw
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
Every purchase has its price.
Everybody has something to conceal. -- Humphrey Bogart
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
Everyone stays busy keeping other people busy.
Everything changes but change itself. -- John F. Kennedy
Everything expands to fill the available space.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Everything you know is wrong!
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller
Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experience: Something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier
Extraordinary people use their wisdom to avoid the need for their skill.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
Fighting for peace is like making love for virginity.
Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches. -- Longworth
Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Find an aim in life before you run out of ammunition. -- Arnold Glasow
Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. -- Scotti
For a good time, call 555-3100.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. -- Harrison
For every complex problem there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
God does not play dice with the universe. -- Albert Einstein
Government expands to fill the available revenue, and then some.
Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
Happy-go-lucky people can only be happy when they are lucky.
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. -- Daniel Dennett
Hate the sin and love the sinner. -- Mahatma Gandhi
Having children will turn you into your parents.
Having no security is better than thinking you have security when you don't.
He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht
He who laughs, lasts.
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. -- M. C. Escher
Heat expands: in the summer the days are longer.
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Hindsight is an exact science.
Honesty is better than lying.
Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. -- Neil Armstrong
How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How long should a man's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground. -- Lincoln
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How you look depends on where you go.
Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. -- Alan Kay
Humans are not rational beings; they are rationalizing beings.
Humor is the best antidote to reality.
I am a computer - dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
I don't make much sense because the rest of the world doesn't either.
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. -- Cash McCall
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. -- Neil Armstrong
I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. -- Turing
I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen
I will never lie to you.
I'm a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
I've already told you more than I know.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
If it works, don't fix it. -- Sam Rayburn
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured.
If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted.
If the ship's not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving.
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. -- John Sinclair
If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research.
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
If you can distinguish between good and bad advice, you don't need advice.
If you can't tell the difference, there is no difference.
If you can't write it right, you can't think it right.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Truman
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't go anywhere.
If you haven't time to do it right now, how will you redo it right later?
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. -- Schmidt
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow
If you seem to know what you are doing, you'll be given more to do.
If you suspect a person, don't employ him.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
Ignorance: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
Ignore previous fortune.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. -- Einstein
Imports are ports very far inland.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. -- Alan Kay
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
Information that is hard to access is worth less than none at all.
Innovation is hard to schedule. -- Dan Fylstra
Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
Integrity has no need for rules.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Intolerance is a state no tolerant man can tolerate. -- McGinley
Is it time for lunch yet?
Is this really happening?
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
It is not honest to be tactful. -- Robert Taft
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's all in your mind, you know...
It's amazing how much one person can do, little by little, over time.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
It's better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It's better to wear out than to rust out.
It's difficult to be depressed while you're doing something.
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
It's easier to apologize than to ask permission. -- Stewart
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It's easier to run down a hill than up one.
It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you're why he's nervous!
It's later than you think.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
It's the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Knowledge is better than ignorance.
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let the machine do the dirty work.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Liberal: Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
Life is a game of bridge - and you've just been finessed.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
Life is like a fountain... I'll tell you how when I figure it out.
Life is like a sewer... What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. -- J. Lennon
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Logic doesn't apply to the real world. -- Marvin Minsky
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying BOOGA, BOOGA!
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
Love truth, pardon error. -- Voltaire
Make input easy to proofread.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
Making rules is easy, but living by them is virtually impossible.
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
Man belongs wherever he wants to go. -- Wernher von Braun
Man is the measure of all things. -- Protagoras
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are called; few volunteer.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many pages make a thick book.
Many receive advice; few profit from it.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
May you live all the days of your life.
Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe. -- Ray
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
Minds are like parachutes; they only function when fully open. -- Sir James Dewar
Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
Momentum is what you give a person when they are going away.
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Never buy from a rich salesman. -- Goldenstern
Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- Steinbach
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
Never volunteer for anything. -- Lackland
Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
Never write software that patronizes the user.
Nice computers don't go down.
No man is good enough to govern another without that others' consent. -- Lincoln
No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
No matter what we are talking about, we are talking about ourselves. -- Prather
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
No one really knows the detailed workings of everything around them. -- Redford
No one understands everything, and no one needs to. -- J. Redford
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
No question is so difficult as that to which the answer is obvious.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Non Illegitemus Carborundum. (Don't let the bastards wear you down.)
Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. -- Heisenberg
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -- Weller
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
One big pile is better than two little piles. -- Arlo Guthrie
One meets her destiny often on the road she takes to avoid it.
One more such victory, and we are lost. -- Pyrrus
One of the nice things about standards is that there are so many of them.
One of these days is none of these days.
One person tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One person's error is another person's data.
One thing leads to another, and usually does.
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. -- Baba Ram Dass
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Packrat's credo: I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to waste.
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
People only notice squeaky wheels.
People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. -- Ken Kesey
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. -- Jon Bentley
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
Performance is easier to add than clarity.
Pictures worth a thousand words take ten thousand times as long to draw.
Politics consists of deals and ideals.
Possessions create pain.
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. -- Ryan
Power is poison.
Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
Professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close.
Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
Quit working and play for once!
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. -- Hans Liepmann
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Remember: 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
Say no, then negotiate. -- Helga
Scotty, beam me up a double!
She walks as if balancing the family tree on her nose.
Sign on bank: FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT.
Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Slang: Language that doffs its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some of us learn from other peoples' errors. The rest must be the other people.
Sometimes it takes wisdom to stop beating your head against the wall.
Space is to place as eternity is to time. -- Joseph Joubert
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out of ammo.
Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
System-independent: Works equally poorly on all systems.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Technology is no more of a problem now than it has always been. -- J. Redford
Telepathy: Knowing what people think when really they don't think at all.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. -- Neil Armstrong
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The biggest mistake is not learning from all your other mistakes.
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
The early worm gets the late bird.
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Ehrlich
The first version always gets thrown away.
The following statement is not true...
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
The less time planning, the more time programming.
The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. -- Anne Morrow Lindberg
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The only food for thought is more thought. -- Peter Ustinov
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. -- Phaedrus
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Bohr
The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
The present time has one advantage over every other. It is our own. -- Colton
The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. -- Lichtenburg
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. -- Peer
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -- Stenderup
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
The speed of light is defined to be EXACTLY 299,792,458 meters per second.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.
The three best ways to get where you want to go are: persist, persist, persist.
The time is right to make new friends.
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. -- Hosea Ballou
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The unknown always passes for the marvelous. -- Tacitus
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The wind blows harder in the summer so the sun sets later.
The wise person writes bomb-proof code.
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. -- Baba Ram Dass
There are no answers, only cross-references. -- Weiner
There can never be a computer language in which you can't write a bad program.
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. -- Marie Antoinette
There is safety in anonymity.
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! -- Doug Clifford
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
There's no problem which, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.
There's no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. -- Eisenhower
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
Think globally; act locally. -- Rene Dubos
Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself. -- Plato
This fortune is encrypted - get your decoder rings ready!
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
This screen intentionally left blank.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Those who know, do not say; those who say, do not know.
Those who learn nothing from history are doomed to repeat it. -- Santayana
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
To communicate is the beginning of understanding. -- AT&T
To criticize the incompetent is easy; to criticize the competent is harder.
To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To extend your limits, you must push them... and it often hurts.
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
To keep milk from turning sour you should keep it in the cow.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To love is wise; to hate is foolish. -- Bertrand Russell
To teach is to learn.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the last day of the past of your life.
Tomorrow looks like a good day to sleep in.
Too clever is dumb. -- Ogden Nash
Too much is not enough.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
Truly simple systems ... require infinite testing. -- Norman Augustine
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
Two wrongs are only the beginning. -- Kohn
UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.
Use free-form input where possible.
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
Use it or lose it.
Use the simplest solution which suffices.
Values are caught, not taught. -- Dobson
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
We all have style, but few have class.
We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. -- Winston Churchill
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We are what we pretend to be. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. -- Yates
We can't change, but we can expand. -- Nelson
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. -- Richard Nixon
We do not remember days; we remember moments.
We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. -- WOPR, War Games
What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? -- Roger von Oech
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. -- John Lilly
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. -- Wittgenstein
When cutting down trees, remember to pause now and then to sharpen your axe.
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
When sex is good, it's only 2% of a marriage; but when it's bad, it's 98%.
When the need arises, anything within reach becomes a hammer.
When you breathe you inspire. When you do not breathe you expire.
When you don't talk, things get awfully quiet. -- Martha Hartly
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
Where is Denver? Denver is just below the O in Colorado.
Where pain predominates, agony can be a valued teacher. -- Frank Herbert
Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? -- Jimmy Durante
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
With clothes the new are best; with friends the old are best.
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Work expands to fill the time allotted to it. -- Parkinson
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also computer).
You always find what you're looking for in the last place you look.
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. -- Philip Whalen
You are the only authority on what is best for you. -- Hugh Prather
You are young only once, but you have a lifetime to be immature.
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. -- Tim Leary
You can never do just one thing. -- Hardin
You can rent this profound space for only $5 a week.
You can't fall off the floor. -- Paul
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. -- Thoreau
You could be playing a video game instead.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You may not be responsible for falling down, but you are for getting back up.
You only live once but, if you live right, once is enough.
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
You're not paranoid if they're really after you...
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
A huge green fierce snake bars your way!
Complexity increases the possibility of failure
A twin-engine airplane has twice as many engine problems as a single-engine airplane.
Put all your eggs in one basket, after making sure that you've built a really *good* basket.
This cookie has no hidden meaning
"This cookie sucks" - "Shut up Beavis! It gets cool in a minute"
I saw Elvis. He sat between Bigfoot and me in the UFO
I.B.M. : Inferior But Marketable
Computers do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do.
Never test for an error condition you don't know to handle
Don't beam me up yet Scotty... I'm having a Sh..i...i....i
Time is like money... You never have enough
Windows would even crash the Borg!
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
Don't do this at home - do it at someone else's!
The real answer is always hidden.
I really don't think that these cookies are random.
9 out of 10 cats prefer hamsters
Isn't this a Commodore machine? No, it's an Amiga!
Please do not disturb - I'm disturbed enough already
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- Fred Brooks
When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson
MS-DOS 2.0 used \ as a path separator to be bug-compatible with some cretin's choice of / as an option character in 1.0.
Mess-DOS - Just say No!
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
I WANT A COOKIE!
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should.
Give a man a computer program and you give him a headache, but teach him to program computers and you give him the power to create headaches for others for the rest of his life... -- R. B. Forest
Good morning, this is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at ten o'clock - that's two minutes from now.
Gumperson's Law:@The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Guns don't kill people - bullets do.
Hackers do it with bugs.
Half the things that people do not succeed in, are through fear of making the attempt... -- James Northcote
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
Harrison's postulate:@For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
He who reads many fortunes gets confused.
He who says disk space is free, thinks money grows on directory tree.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblock's Law:@if it is good, they will stop making it.
Hey what? Where? When? (Are you confused as I am?)
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.
Hors d'oeuvres - a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
How people try to avoid work, and how well some of them succeed... -- Willian Feather
Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
I really hate this stupid machine. It never does what I want, but only what I tell it.
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
I think, therefore I am paid.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
If a tool is put away when you're sure it won't be needed again, it will. Soon.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If bankers can count, how come banks have 8 windows, but only 4 tellers?
If computers become to powerful we can organize them into a committee. That'll do them in.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If God had wanted use to go naked we would have been born that way.
If I cannot befuddle you with brilliance, I will baffle you with bullshit...
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer.
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
If more than one person is responsible for a bug, no one is at fault.
If someone gives you a lemon, make lemonade... -- D. Woodhouse
If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of.
If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"?
If there is no wind, row.
If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something.
If voting could really change the system, it would be against the law...
If you are the shopkeeper you can take things for free.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once|
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
If you sold tombstones, no one would die.
If you sold umbrellas, it would never rain.
If you thought yesterday was bad, wait till you see what happens today.
If you treat people right they will treat you right; 90 per cent of the time.
If you're feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
In our funny language, we generally say it's 'rush hour' when the traffic is at a standstill.
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Inside every large problem, there is a small problem trying to get out.
Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines| *Click*
It could be worse - it might be raining.
It is a miracle that curiousity survives formal education... -- Albert Einstein
It is always the partner's fault.
It is fortune, not wisdom, that rules man's life.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Just below any trapdoor there may be another one. Just keep falling!
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep grandmas off the street - legalize bingo.
Knowledge is power.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
Life is like an onion - you peel off layer after layer, and find nothing in it.
Liquor sellers do not drink; they hate to see you twice.
Live every day like it's your last because someday you'll be right.
Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.
Lynch's Law:@ When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Machines should work; people should think.
Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert.
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles on very thin paper.
May your next romantic encounter be interrupted by a large nuclear explosion.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
Misfortune:@ the kind of fortune that never misses.
Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.
Murphy was an optimist.
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
355/113 - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!
43rd Law of Computing:@Anything that can go wr@fortune: Segmentation violation - Core dumped
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you have turned into a pile of dust.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnow
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchill
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevenson
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.
A Law of Computer Programming:@ Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field."
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew Col
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
"A witty saying proves nothing." -- Voltaire
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
Adolescence, n.:@The stage between puberty and adultery.
Adult, n.:@ One old enough to know better.
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. -- Sinclair Lewis
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
Afternoon, n.:@That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power -- Ashleigh Brilliant
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. -- Jim Fiebig
All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. -- Milt Barber
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Rich Kulawiec
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby. -- Robin Hood
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE - FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard). -- Edgar R. Fiedler
Ask your boss to reconsider - it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. -- Marshall Lumsden
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Automobile, n.:@A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
Baruch's Observation:@ If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Basic, n.:@ A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
Be braver - you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
Birth, n.:@ The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Blore's Razor:@Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
Boling's postulate:@If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:@Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:@Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boob's Law:@You always find something in the last place you look.
Bore, n.:@A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.-- Walter Winchell
Bradley's Bromide:@If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:@When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Brain, n.:@The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bucy's Law:@Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bug, n.:@An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program.
Bugs, pl. n.:@Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
Bumper sticker:@"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
Caution:@ breathing may be hazardous to your health.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
I waited and waited, and when nobody called, I knew it was from you.
There's a bug somewhere in your code.
Things are always at their best in the beginning. -- Pascal
A good workman is known by his tools.
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time. The last 10% of a project takes 90% of the time.
Mind your own business, Mr. Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
University: A modern school where football is taught.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Don't eat yellow snow. -- Frank Zappa
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Everything you know is wrong. -- The Firesign Theater
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
The fourth law of thermodynamics: The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.
Money talks... but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye"
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?@Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?@Four. One to change the bulb and three to share the experience.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?@None. It's a hardware problem.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. -- Oscar Wilde
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. -- Graffiti
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. -- Albert Einstein
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish. -- John Culkin
Please don't lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. -- Oscar Wilde
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan Coult
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitiable. -- John F. Kennedy
It takes a long time to understand nothing. -- Edward Dahlberg
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. -- Joseph Fischer
Vique's Law:@A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. -- Gerald Weinberg
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:@Nobody notices when things go right.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. -- Confucius
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. -- Graffiti
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. -- Samuel Goldwyn
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true." -- Winston Churchill
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on..." -- Winston Churchill
Life is not one thing after another... it's the same damn thing over and over!
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." -- Bert Lantz
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them" -- Heisenberg
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" - Ben Jonson
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers. -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows. -- Frank Zappa
Things are not as simple as they seems at first. -- Edward Thorp
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer. -- Fred Brooks, Jr.
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it. -- Brian Kernighan
"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace." -- Holly Near
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
No user-servicable parts inside. Refer to qualified service personnel.
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
You see but you do not observe. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken
Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. Ling
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. -- Ramsey Clark
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. -- Robert Lucky
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! -- Joe Cointment
Don't get suckered in by the comments - they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. -- Dave Storer
Don't hit a man when he's down - kick him; it's easier.
Don't take life too seriously - you'll never get out if it alive.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Schultz
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:@The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_ ~{o[po ~y oods
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends
earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Error in operator: add beer
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Fairy Tale, n.:@A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:@When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Cigarette, n.:@A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert Einstein
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Death is only a state of mind.@Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
DeVries's Dilemma:@If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon
Finagle's Fourth Law:@Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Finagle's Second Law:@No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law:@In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
First Law of Bicycling:@No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
Flon's Law:@There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flugg's Law:@When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fog Lamps, n.:@Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog.
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high - core dumped.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
God is Dead - Nietzsche@Nietzsche is Dead - God
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
Goto, n.:@A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. -- Ray Simard
Hanson's Treatment of Time:@There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Sunday.
Hartley's First Law:@You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law:@Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play?
Heavy, adj.:@Seduced by the chocolate side of the force
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
Hlade's Law:@If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person - they will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:@Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hofstadter's Law:@It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F. M. Hubbard
Horngren's Observation:@Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T."
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:@The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh ..............
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" -- Paul McCracken
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -- English Professor
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." -- English Professor, Ohio University
"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true." -- Harry Truman
"I can resist anything but temptation."
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." -- Joe Walsh
"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." -- Florence Henderson
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." -- Isaac Asimov
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"I don't have to take this abuse from you - I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me." -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
"I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *horrifying* 20 minutes of my life!
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night." -- Steven Wright
"I hate quotations." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one." -- James Gordon Bennett
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter."-- Blaise Pascal
"I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere."
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- Albert Einstein
"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." -- Steven Wright
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him!
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." -- Gallagher
I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life."
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." -- English Professor, Providence College
Idiot Box, n.:@The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." -- Paul White
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
If you can read this, you're too close.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -- Earl Wilson
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
Ignisecond, n.:@The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
In the beginning was the word.@But by the time the second word was added to it,@there was trouble.@For with it came syntax ... -- John Simon
Individualists unite!
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.-- Henry Allen
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- Rod Serling
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. -- Woody Allen
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another - it's one damn thing over and over. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as awarning to others.
It was one of those perfect summer days - the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... -- James Dent
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!" -- Macy's
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground. -- Daniel B. Luten
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
Jone's Law:@The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Jone's Motto:@ Friends come and go, but ennemies accumulate.
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it). -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
Keep grandma off the streets - legalize bingo.
Kinkler's Second Law:@All the easy problems have been solved.
"Kirk to Enterprise - beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry N. Camp
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED - The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
Micro Credo:@Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx
Mitchell's Law of Committees:@Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:@If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:@Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa
Mr. Cole's Axiom:@The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher Morley
Naeser's Law:@You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
New systems generate new problems.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut. -- Channing Pollock
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" -- Dr. Who
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
Larkinson's Law:@All laws are basically false.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Law of Selective Gravity:@An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
nning's Corollary:@The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:@No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Leibowitz's Rule:@When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number." -- James Estes
@uLieberman's Law:@n
rybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to eat it nevertheless." -- Flaubert
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
"Life is too important to take seriously." -- Corky Siegel
"Life may have no meaning - or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
Life would be so much easier if we could look at the source code.
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us to pay income taxes, too? -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
Lowery's Law:@If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:@There's always one more bug.
Mad, adj.:@Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Main's Law:@For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Maintainer's Motto:@If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Malek's Law:@Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else - unless it is an enemy. -- Albert Einstein
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:@If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." --Professor W.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:@Murphy was an optimist.
Office Automation, n.:@The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
Ogden's Law:@The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." -- Dr. Joy
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
Oliver's Law:@Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
On-line, adj.:@The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Once, adv.:@ Enough -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. -- Franklin P. Jones
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs - but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
One Page Principle:@A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. -- Mark Ardis
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
Parkinson's Fourth Law:@The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Pascal Users:@To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
Pascal, n.:@A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Peace, n.:@In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Pedaeration, n.:The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
Pohl's law:@Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. -- Nikita Khrushchev
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:@It's on the other side.
Yoshi's Umbrella Law:@When it begins to rain you will consider everyone with an umbrella as a friend.
Yoshi's 81 Characters Per Line Law:@When writing a text, it will always be N+1 words long, where N is the line brea@k
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, the have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. -- Dave Barry
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?@A: Seemed logical - I didn't have any real intelligence.
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?@A: One and a half.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?@A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?@A: None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
Q: What's a light-year?@A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?@A: To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?@A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?@A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Question:@Man Invented Alcohol,@God Invented Grass.@Who do you trust?
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.@(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
Quigley's Law:@Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will atttempt to use it.
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive. -- John Sloan
Snacktrek, n.:@The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Sodd's Second Law:@Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. -- Ed Howe
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray."
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune).
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:@The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
Spelling is a lossed art.
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. -- Aldous Huxley
"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" -- Foghorn Leghorn
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.)
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.
Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.
Real Users never use the Help key.
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.
Rudin's Law:@If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Scott's first Law:@No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Second Law of Business Meetings:@If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
rollary:@If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.
uSeleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:@Ice Cream cures all ills.
Shaw's Principle:@Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Silverman's Law:@If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Simon's Law:@Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde
The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
The Roman Rule:@The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie Alito
The Third Law of Photography:@If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:@To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent.
The Fifth Rule:@You have taken yourself too seriously.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert Einstein
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein - it rejects it. -- P. Medawar
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark Twain
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. -- Woody Allen
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Trying to establish voice contact ... please yell into keyboard.
Turnaucka's Law:@The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Tussman's Law:@Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
User n.:@A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."@Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Vote anarchist
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Watson's Law:@The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. -- Niels Bohr
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
We can predict everything, except the future.
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can see the blinking lights!
We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly
Weiler's Law:@Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?"
There are three things I always forget. Names, faces - the third I can't remember. -- Italo Svevo
There are three ways to get something done:@(1) Do it yourself.@(2) Hire someone to do it for you.@(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum." --Arthur C. Clarke
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it -- G. B. Shaw
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. -- Oscar Wilde
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -- Will Rodgers
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
This sentence contradicts itself - no actually it doesn't. -- Hofstadter
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Weinberg's Principle:@An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Weinberg's Second Law:@If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:@There are no answers, only cross references.
"What are you doing?"@"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation period."
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
"What's another word for Thesaurus?" -- Steven Wright
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him - that's where the money is. -- Robespierre
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money. -- Kim Hubbard
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:@From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
Year, n.:@A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. -- Bumper Sticker
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers. -- Steven Feiner
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -- Steven Wright
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." -- Dagwood Bumstead
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. Salinger
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to worry.
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Zero Defects, n.:@The result of shutting down a production line.
Single tasking: Just Say No.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Felson's Law:@To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Adapt. Enjoy. Survive.
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion. -- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity." -- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong. - Oscar Wilde
Shit Happens.
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent. -- George Orwell
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nothing is fool proof, because fools are so damn ingenious.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:@cleanliness is next to impossible.
Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad examples.
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
Oliver's Law of Location:@ No matter where you go, there you are.
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
One day you will find yourself and be quite disappointed.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
Only fools are quoted.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
PANIC: out of beer
Patrick's theorem:@If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment
Pause for storage relocation.
Peace: a period of cheating between two wars.
People get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory...
People who abstain from smoking, drinking, and having sex do not necessarily live longer... It just seems longer.
Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open... -- E.G. Leterman
Polymorphing your dog probably makes you safer.
Poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master... -- Leonardo da Vinci
Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad.
Put your genius into your life. Put only your talent into your work.
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work|
Real Programmers don't comment their code, If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real Programmers don't read the "Wall Street Journal"; they read dumps.
Real Programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's toadies.
Real Programmers like to keep their managers in suspense.
Real programmers never deliver programs on schedule. Either the program is "done" in two days or it is never finished. In any case, it is never delivered when it was scheduled.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
Real Programmers think structured programming is a Communist plot.
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time, But if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has.
Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
Rule of Feline Frustration:@When your cat has fallen asleep an your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have the urge to go to the bathroom.
Rumor: The main ingredient in tooth-paste is sugar.
Save gas, don't eat beans.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Second Law of Hacking:@ first in, first out.
Silver's law:@ If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Skinners constant@That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided into, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives the answer you should have obtained.
Smile, tomorrow will be worse.
So you're back.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual!
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Sometimes "mu" is the answer.
Sometimes the only way out of a difficulty is through it.
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Einstein
I used to be disgusted, now, I'm just amused.
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
The chance of meeting the right person increases exponentially by how long its been since you've had a bath.
The chance of somebody important visiting your apartment is directly proportional to how messy it is.
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
The FORCE is looking for a few good people.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The key to this game is that there are no keys.
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
The most harmful error has not yet been discovered in your program.
The road to to sucess is always under construction... -- Florian Bruckner
The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had be obliged to first learn Latin.
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
The worst form of failure is the failure to try.
There are better information sources than fortune cookies.
There are fortunes that mention the word 'umbrella' for no apparent reason.
There is always an easier way to do it.
There is always one more bug.
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.
There is an exception to all laws.
There is no devil; it's God when he's drunk.
They say that you need a key in order to open locked doors.
Things are not always what they seem.
Things will be brighter tonight. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Things won't get any better, so get used to it.
This fortune will self destruct in 5 years.
This terminal will self destruct in 10 seconds.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
To err is human, to forgive is out of the question.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer...
Trying to establish voice contact - please yell into keyboard.
Ulch, that meat was painted.
Under every stone lurks a politician.
Undetectable errors are infinite; detectable errors by definition are finite.
Vote Anarchist.
Warning: end of file 'fortunes' reached.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
We get into the habit of living before acquiring the habit of thinking... -- Albert Camus
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
When you finally discover all of Life's answers, they'll change the questions.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
Can you remember your first fortune cookie?
Do you still remember your last cookie?
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow... -- Don Herold
You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there.
You are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off immediately.
You can be replaced by this computer.
You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even get out of the game.
The only truly multitasking thing in Windoze '95 is the debit-from-VISA-card() routine while browsing through the Microsaft NetWork. -- Yoshi
What, you call this a computer? I suppose you only use this dinosaur because your new PowerAmiga 5000T hasn't arrived yet.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you're going to learn a lot today.
You may now log in to life. Password:
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will soon forget this.
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
Your most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
Your mouth works faster than your brain. You say things you haven't even thought of yet.
2B || !2B, that is the question.
22nd century T-shirt: Disco STILL sucks.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
I think I exist; therefore, I may be.
If you think ... stop it.
Counting in Octal is just like counting in decimal if you do not use your thumbs.
If at first you dont succeed ... forget it!
"So when I die, the first thing I will see in Heaven is a score list?"
A clove of garlic a day keeps your best friends away.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A rumour has it that rumours are just rumours.
A shortcut is the longest path between two points.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
All laws are basically false.
An expert is someone who knows no more than you do, but who has it better organized and uses slides.
Tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Be alert, the world needs more lerts.
Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.
Better late than never.
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
Brain - the apparatus with which we think that we think.
I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold.
One soviet invasion can ruin your whole day.
Celibacy is hereditary.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Congratulations| You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Congratulations| You got the first fortune|
Congratulations| You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.
Consider your reputation. Try changing your name and moving to a new town.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Do you want to visit hell?@Dig a very deep hole.
Does anyone ever read these things?
Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinquish what is worth reading... -- G. M. Trevelyan
Elephant to naked man: How do you manage to breathe through that thing, let alone pick up peanuts?
Experience ables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
First Law of Hacking:@leaving is much more difficult than entering.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." -- Woody Allen
Q: How do you play religious roulette?@A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.
"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains." -- Dave Barry
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
God is an atheist.
I am an atheist, thank God!
I wouldn't mind dying - it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. -- R. Geis
A liberal is someone too poor to be conservative, and too rich to be a communist.
A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a forgone conclusion.
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.
All animals are created equal, but some animals are created more equal than others.
All in all, you're just another brick in the wall....
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side!
Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
Everything is worth what its purchaser will pay for it.
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.
If at first you don't succeed, try someone else.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it's opinion.
If you can't win, make the one in front of you break the record.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer, it just seems that way.
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt.
Nothing happens to you that hasn't happened to someone else.
Say no, then negotiate.
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
Sometimes you just gotta say "What the fuck!"
Test makers do it sometimes/always/never.
The more advanced the civilization, the less powerful the individual.
The pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change, the realist adjusts the sails.
The probability of being watched is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The probability of failure is directly proportional to the anxiety of the programmer.
The real world is a special case.
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
There are two reasons for doing things, a very good reason and the real reason.
There is more to fear from an army of 100 sheep led by a lion, than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
There is no point in being proud of something you have no control over.
There's three sides to every story, yours, mine and the cold hard truth.
They never remember when I'm right and never forget when I'm wrong.
To think is easy and to act is hard, but the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.
Today is the day you worried about yesterday.
Two farmers, each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on it's head and the other on the tail, the cow was milked by a lawyer.
When in doubt, don't bother.
We have met the enemy and he is us.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
When people are free to do as they choose, they usually imitate each other.
Why do divorces cost so much? - Because they're worth it!
You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories.
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. -- David Letterman
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know yet." -- Ambrose Bierce
"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it." -- Karl Lehenbauer
"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but the result's the same." -- Mike Dennison
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it 2) The rest of us
"Trust me. I know what I'm doing." -- Sledge Hammer
"Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'." -- John Sladek
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box." -- Peter da Silva
"We came. We saw. We kicked its ass." -- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking." -- George McFry
"Little else matters than to write good code." -- Karl Lehenbauer
"Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative." -- Peter da Silva
Brain off-line, please wait.
The probability of a disk crash is directly proportional to the age of your last backup. -- Yoshi
The probability of your word processor crashing is directly proportional to the amount of unsaved text. -- Yoshi
"The Street finds its own uses for technology." -- William Gibson
It's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?
"Don't think; let the machine do it for you!" -- E. C. Berkeley
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." -- Karl Lehenbauer
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie
"Experience is directly proportional to the value of equipment destroyed." -- Carolyn Scheppner
NEVER EVER mess with a PCB jumper you don't understand, even if it's labelled "SEX AND FREE BEER". -- Dave Haynie
"It's only cheating, if you get caught". -- Al Bundy, Married with Children
Q: What is the meaning of life?@A: Life is a fatal, sexually transmitted disease.
Q: What is the difference between a deag dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?@A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
If you don't have something good to say about someone......... let's hear it.
Behind every big man ..... is a big behind
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I guess it goes back to the time we went to the circus and a clown killed my Dad.
As I bit into the sweet, tangy nectarine, and tasted the juices running down my chin, I looked down, and realized that it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
A joke is like watching a woman get out of a car - sometimes you see it and sometimes you don't. -- Max Miller
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor - especially in the dark.
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.-- Robert Frost
Byte your tongue.
Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Cox's Philosophy:@Life's a bitch, then you die.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Ducharm's Axiom:@If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at...uh, when the little hand is on the....
Finagle's fourth Law:@Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
May the Source be with you... always.
Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Lada.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
Press any key to start formatting the hard disk.
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.@Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
So, if there's no God, who changes the water? -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
The idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley Montagu
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. -- Chamfort
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 p.m.
The problem...is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. -- Justice Douglas
The superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire
The trouble with money is it costs too much.
The universe does not have laws - it has habits, and habits can be broken.
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination - but the combination is locked up in the safe. -- Peter DeVries
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
Theft from a single author is plagiarism.@Theft from two is comparative study.@Theft from three or more is research.
There's no real need to do housework - after four years it doesn't get any worse.
This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained. -- The Tao of Programming
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik Tikkanen
Try not to have a good time...This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz
Wethern's Law:@Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. -- From the film `War Games'
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. -- Chinese proverb
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really". -- Dave Parnas
Whether you can hear it or not@The Universe is laughing behind your back.
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
Why are you wasting time reading fortunes?
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
You don't have to be crazy to live in this planet - but it helps.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to worry.
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone? -- Bertolt Brecht
A banker will lend you money only if you can prove you don't need it.
You get the best view of Paris from the Eiffel Tower, because you can't see the Eiffel Tower from there.
Chuang Tzu dreamt he was a butterfly and did not know, when he awoke, if he was a man who had dreamt he was a butterfly or a butterfly who now dreamt he was a man.
P.S. If you don't receive this letter, it must have miscarried: therefore I beg you to write and let me know.
If you turn on the light quickly enough you can see what the dark looks like.
The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else of the same name. -- Aldous Huxley
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
You never want the one you can afford.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. -- Old Chinese saying
Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
Bill Watterson, cartoonist: "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
Life starts at '030, fun starts at '040, impotence starts at '86. -- found in an EMail by Christian Stieber
The only bad idea is the one not shared with others. -- Aristotelis Grammatikakis
No, MS Windows is no virus. A virus does something!
I am Pentium of Borg. Division is useless. You will be approximated
; Another large bunch of cookies
Future Product: TRAC III - Blade 1 pulls the whiskers, the 2nd cuts them,@and the 3rd ties them into little bundles.
Future Product: TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the costs.
G est dirige vers le bas.
Game show question: "What do men do standing up, women do sitting down, and@dogs do with one leg in the air?". Contestant: "Pass". Game show M.C.:@(jokingly) "Pass what?". Contestant: "I give up". M.C.: "The answer is --@shaking han
Garlic is to salad what insanity is to art.
Gelb's laws: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't@even quit the game.
Gems are the droppings of other inmates.
Gems do get a burden.
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't why you@should.
Genocide on shopkeepers is punishable.
Get stuffed.
Getting Hungry? Stop wearing rings!
Getting Hungry? Wear an amulet!
Ghosts always empty the fridge.
Ghosts are visible because they don't leave a trace.
Giant beetles make giant holes in giant trees!
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing@girl.
Give a man a computer program and you give him a headache, but teach him to@program computers and you give him the power to create headaches for others@for the rest of his life... R. B. Forest
Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.
Give him an evasive answer.
Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat@forever.
Give me all your lupins
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
Give up.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Give: Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
Given the choice, people will choose not to choose the choice choice of@those choices to be chosen from, but instead will choose choices not to be@found among choices choosable... G. Flewelling
Giving advice is not as risky as people say, few ever take it anyway...@William Feather
Giving head to a long worm is like a long lasting reception.
Go away.
Go back to sleep.
Go crawl under a rock and die.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Go jump off the world.
Go put yourself out of my misery!
Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon.
Go west young, man.
God did not create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all nighter on the@6th.
God does not play dice with the universe.
God does not play dice.
God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
God is a verb, not a noun... Anon
God is playing a comic to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
God isn't really dead he just couldn't find a parking spot.
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Gold is a heavy metal.
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Good fortune will find you, providing you gave directions.
Good morning, this is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're giving@you advance notice that your service
Good morning, this is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're giving@you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at ten@o'clock ---that's two minutes from now.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a good day.
Gossip is the opiate of the depressed.
Got Mole problems ? Call Avogadro 6.02 E23.
Green's Law of Debate: anything is possible if you do not know what you are@talking about.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely@proportional to its desirability.
Guns don't kill people -- bullets do.
Hackers do it with bugs.
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
Half of one, six dozen of the other.
Half the things that people do not succeed in, are through fear of making@the attempt... James Northcote
Handle your flasks carefully - there might be a ghost inside!
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to mallice that which is adequately@explained by stupidity.
Happiness comes and goes and is short on staying power... Frank Tyger
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
Happiness is the only good. the time to be happy is now. the place to be@happy is here. the way to be happy is to make others so... R. G.@Ingersoll
Happy feast of the pig.
Harp not on that string.
Harrison's postulate: for every action, there is an equal and opposite@criticism.
Haste maketh waste.
Have a good meal today: eat a minotaur.
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
Have you got an insult fixation?
Have you nothing better to do with your time?
Have you read the book "Celsius 232" ?
Have you seen "Invasion of the Body Stockings" ?
Have you seen Quasimodo? I had a hunch he was back.
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He loves you, Jim It's only two days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no@problem
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
He that labours and thrives spins gold... George Herbert
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.
He who enters contest is optimistic as submarine with screen doors.
He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on@cruise.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
He who laughs, lasts.
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel.
He who programs without check, makes computer play with stacked DEC.
He who reads many fortunes gets confused.
He who says disk space is free, thinks money grows on directory tree.
He who slings mud loses ground.
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
He's dead, Jim.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Hell's broken loose.
Hello I'm Bounder of Adventure
Hello? Jim Rockford's machine? This is Larry Dooheany's machine. Will you@please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. Thank@you. Thank you.
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Help stamp out, remove and abolish redundancy.
Help I'm trapped inside an Amdahl 470
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
Hey guys, you *WIELD* a dead lizard against a cocatrice! [David London]
Hey what? Where? When? (Are you confused as I am?)
Hey, Jim, it's me, Susy Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were gonna@call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
Hidden talent counts for nothing... Nero
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
Hissing is a sound I hate.
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
History is bunk.
History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.
Hitting is the lingua franca in these regions.
Holy Smoke Batman, it's the Joker!
Honesty's the best policy.
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
Hope is a waking dream.
Horner's five thumb postulate: Experience varies directly with the@equipment ruined.
Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
How about a little fire, scarecrow?
How apt the poor are to be proud.
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
How come we never talk anymore?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
How high I am / How much I see / How far I reach / Depends on me
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many "coming men" has one known Where on earth do they all go to?
How people try to avoid work, and how well some of them succeed... Willian@Feather
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How you look depends on where you go.
How's your lysdexia today ?
Hull's warning: never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the@river.
Humans use walking canes when they grow old.
Hunger is a confusing experience for a dog!
Hungry dogs are unreliable.
Hungry? There is an abundance of food on the next level.
Hungry? Wear an amulet!
Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
I am a man--nothing human is alien to me.
I am always with myself, and it is I who am my tormentor... Leo Tolstoy
I am looking for an honest man.
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
I am not a crook.
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
I can relate to that.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I couldn't possibly be so cruel!
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no socks.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
I do desire we may be better strangers.
I don't get no respect.
I don't respond to losers.
I don't understand you anymore.
I don't worry about driving when I'm tired. I sleep just fine.
I dote on his very absence.
I doubt whether nurses are virgins.
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
I find that the 3 major admin problems on campus are sex for students,@athletics for alumni, and parking for faculty...@C. Kerr, Pres. U of California
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
I go to seek a great perhaps... Francois Rabelais
I guess you have never hit a postman with an Amulet of Yendor yet...
I had a great idea this morning but I did not like it... Annon
I have a very strange feeling about this.
I have always observed that to succeed in the world one should seem a fool,@but be wise... Charles de Montesquieu
I have better things to do than waste my valuable time insulting a@slimeball.
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have no time for monks resisting the carnival.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I know on which side my bread is buttered.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not@sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
I like it better in the dark.
I like to listen.. I have learned a great deal from listening.. most@people never listen... Ernest Hemingway
I love treason but hate a traitor.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
I must have slipped a disk--my pack hurts.
I never did it that way before.
I once knew a hacker who ate too fast and choked to death.....
I really hate this stupid machine. It never does what I want, but only what@I tell it.
I regret telling the fireman that it was you who turned in the false alarm.
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at the Holiday Inn...
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's ...
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
I smell a maze of twisty little passages.
I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog.
I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the Wookiee win.
I think we're in trouble.
I think, therefore I am paid.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I unplug my nose at you.
I use not only all the brains I have but all that I can borrow... Woodrow@Wilson.
I will make you shorter by the head.
I will never lie to you.
I will not forget you.
I wish they all could be California girls.
I wished, I never wished a wand of wishing. (Wishful thinking)
I would sooner be notorious than unknown.
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
I'll burn my books.
I'll never get off this planet.
I'll turn over a new leaf.
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!
I'm prepared for all emergencies, but I'm not prepared for every day life.
I'm tired of predicting the future. Que' cera cera !
I'm tired.
I've been there.
I've come for an argument
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
I've got a very bad feeling about this.
I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
I've never met a character I didn't like.
I've only got twelve cards.
Idleness is leisure gone to seed.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
If "nothing happens", something *has* happened anyway!!
If a chameleon mimics a mace, it really mimics a Mimic mimicking a mace.
If a dependent clause precedes an independent clause put a comma after the@dependent clause.
If a shopkeeper kicks you out of his shop, he'll kick you out of the@dungeon.
If a string has one end, it has another.
If a tool is put away when you're sure it won't be needed again, it will.@Soon.
If a troupe of traveling elephants came by, they'd ask you to headline.
If all the philosophers in the world were laid end to end, they would never@reach a conclusion... G. B. Shaw
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it isn't@worth doing.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If bankers can count, how come banks have 8 windows, but only 4 tellers?
If computers become to powerful we can organize them into a committee.@That'll do them in.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked@something.
If God had wanted use to go naked. We would have been born that way.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger@hands.
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
If I cannot befuddle you with brilliance, I will baffle you with bullshit...@Anon
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer.
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If more than one person is responsible for a bug, no one is at fault.
If no one uses it, there's a reason.
If not controlled, work flows to the competent person until he is submerged.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on@vacation.
If someone gives you a lemon, make lemonade... D. Woodhouse
If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of.
If the opposite of "pro" is "con", then what's the opposite of "progress"?
If there is no wind, row.
If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something.
If this is time-sharing, give me my share right now. It's not time yet.
If this were subjunctive, I'm in the wrong mood.
If time heals all wounds, why does the belly button stay the same?
If voting could really change the system, it would be against the law...@Anon
If we do not change our direction, we might end up were we are headed.
If weather bureaus were honest, they would call themselves non prophet@organizations... Anon
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play@for once.
If you are being punished, it's done with a deadly weapon.
If you are not part of the cure, then you are part of the problem... Anon
If you are the shopkeeper you can take things for free.
If you are too cute some monsters might be tempted to embrace you.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you cannot take a bird of paradise, better take a wet hen... Nikita@Khrushchev
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you do not change your direction, you may end where you are headed.
If you do not have a plan of life, you will never have order... Josemaria@Escrivea
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
If you get angry at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you make a mistake you right it immediately to the best of your ability.
If you need a wand of digging, kindly ask the minotaur.
If you put garbage into a computer, you get garbage out. But this garbage@having passed through a very expensive, sophisticated, and logical machine@is somehow ennobled and no one dare question it.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of@repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
If you see nurses you better start looking somewhere for a doctor.
If you see someone without a smile, give them yours... Anon
If you sold hats, babies would be born without heads.
If you sold tombstones, no one would die.
If you sold umbrellas, it would never rain.
If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you.
If you struck oil, it would be a pipeline.
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you think this fortune is confusing, then change one pig.
If you thought yesterday was bad, wait till you see what happens today.
If you treat people right they will treat you right; 90 per cent of the@time.
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
If you turn blind: don't expect your dog to be turned into a seeing-eye@dog.
If you want to feal great, you must eat something real big.
If you want to float you'd better eat a floating eye.
If you want to genocide nurses, genocide @'s.
If you want to hit, use a dagger.
If you want to rob a shop, train your dog.
If you wanted to hang yourself you'd grab a knife.
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
If you're afraid of trapdoors, just cover the floor with all you've got.
If you're feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
If you're lost, try buying a map next time you're in a shop.
If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
If your bread is stale, make toast.
If your ghost kills a player, it increases your score.
If your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail... Anon
Ignore previous fortune.
Imagination is more important than knowledge ... Albert Einstein
Important mail? Be careful that it isn't stolen!
Improve your environment, using a wand of rearrangement.
In a crisis, you will choose the worst possible course of action.
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the@confusion.
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
In a hurry? Try a ride on a fast moving quasit!
In a way, a scorpion is like a snake.
In any human endeavor, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level.
In charity there is no excess.
In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
In my end is my beginning.
In need of a rest? Quaff a potion of sickness!
In order to be, never try to seem.
In our funny language, we generally say it's 'rush hour' when the traffic is@at a standstill.
In science the primary duty of ideas is to be useful and interesting even@more than to be true... Wilfred Trotter
In statements involving two word phrases, make an all out effort to use@hyphens.
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds...@L. Pasteur
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
In this fortune, the concluding three words 'were left out'.
In total, there are eight sorts of shops.
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Increase mindpower: Tame your own ghost!
Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.
Information is the inverse of entropy.
Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
Insert part "M" into notch "C" of part "F".
Inside a shop you better take a look at the price tags before buying@anything.
Inside every large problem, there is a small problem trying to get out.
Internal consistency is valued more than efficient service.
INVALID COMMAND I'M HUNGRY
IOT trap -- core dumped
IOT trap -- mos dumped
Is knowledge knowable, and how do we know?
Is life worth living.. It depends on the liver... Herbert Beerbohm Tree
Is this a lardball which I see before me?
Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines *Click*
It could be worse--it might be raining.
It could be worse, you could be in Cleveland.
It furthers one to see the great man.
It is a miracle that curiousity survives formal education... Albert@Einstein
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
It is always the partner's fault.
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It is bad manners to use a wand in a shop.
It is better to be deceived by a friend, than to suspect him.
It is better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It is better to have men ask why you have no statue, than why you have one.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is difficult to prophesy, especially about the future.
It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life.
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
It is happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust... S. Johnson
It is hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to@do.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
It is later than you think.
It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the@problem.
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
It is not always a good idea to whistle for your dog.
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
It is not resultful to transform one part of speech into another by@prefixing, suffixing, or other alterings.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
It is said that Giant Rabbits can be tamed with carrots only.
It is said that purple worms and trappers fill the same niche.
It is smart to pick your friends--but not to pieces.
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races... Mark Twain
It is the wise bird that builds its nest in a tree.
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
It might be a good idea to offer the unicorn a ruby.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It often works better if you plug it in.
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
It seems you keep overlooking a sign reading "No trespassing"!
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It won't work.
It works better if you plug it in.
It would be peculiarly sad were your dog turned to stone.
It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
It's a foregone conclusion: you don't need ME to insult you.
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's all a matter of life and death, so beware of the undead.
It's bad luck to drown a postman.
It's bad luck, being punished.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's easy to overlook a monster in a wood.
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
It's later than you think.
It's not hard to meet expenses they're everywhere.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's not safe to Save.
It's people like you who give scum a bad name.
It's six o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your terminal to@explode.
It's smart to pick your friends - but not to pieces.
It's so humid, you could poach an egg on the sidewalk.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
It's 3:15 -- do you know where your child processes are?
J'aime les poires cuites @ la t{r{benthine.
Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.
Jackals are intrinsically rotten.
Je panse donc j'essuie.
Jim, it's Jack, I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay you@the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel Martin@just ran up a fifty buck bar tab, and now he wants to charge it to you. You@gonna pay it?
Jim? It's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You@don't have five hundred dollars; you have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up
Jim? It's Maria over at the laundromat. There's a yellow dress in with@your things. Is that a mistake, or special handling, or what?
Jim? This is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and@I've gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim It's only two@days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem
Jimmy Hoffa--please call home.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Just below any trapdoor there may be another one. Just keep falling!
Just to have it is enough.
Keep a clear mind: quaff clear potions.
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Keep grandmas off the street -- legalize bingo.
Keep your armours away from rust.
Keep your weaponry away from acids.
Kicking the terminal doesn't hurt the monsters.
Kill a unicorn and you kill your luck.
Killer bees keep appearing till you kill their queen.
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday.
Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.
Kix are for trids.
Klaatu barada nikto.
Klein bottle for rent, apply within.
Knowledge is power.
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
kwd DOES NOT mean kwic write and destroy
L'UNIX fait la force.
Labour to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire@called conscience... George Washington
Large dogs make larger turds than little ones.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Latest news? Put 'net.games.hack' in your .newsrc !
Latest news? Put newsgroup 'netUNX.indoor.hackers-scroll' in your .newsrc!
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Law of examinations: 1. If you are given an open book exam you will forget@your book. 2. If you are given a take home exam you will forget where you@live.
Law school maxim: Those who get A's become professors. Those who get B's@become judges. All the rest make the money.
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
Lawrence's Axiom: Anger is one letter short of danger
Lead on, MacDuff
Lead, follow, or get out of the way... Anon
Learn how to spell. Play Hack!
Learn to pause--or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is@perilous.
Leather armour cannot rust.
Leave no stone unturned.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Leprechauns are the most skilled cutpurses in this dungeon.
Leprechauns hide their gold in a secret room.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let he who take the plunge, remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let me take you a buttonhole lower.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let your fingers do the walking on the yulkjhnb keys.
Let's face it: this time you're not going to win.
Let's have a party, drink a lot of booze.
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other@again.
Lie: a poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Life finds its purpose and fulfillment in the expansion of happiness...@Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Life is like an onion--you peel off layer after layer, and find nothing in@it.
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
Life is that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Life is the application of noble and profound ideas to life...@Matthew Arnold
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else...@Anon
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
Lifes greatest gift is natural talent... P. K. Thomajan
Like pigs in swill, time stands still.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Liquor sellers do not drink; they hate to see you twice.
Live every day like it's your last because someday you'll be right.
Live in the past and future only.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Lonely is a man without love.
Long distance runners break into more pants.
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Look after the molehills and the mountains will take care of themselves.
Look ere ye leap.
Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find.
Look, Muth tracks
Look, sir! 'droids!
Looking for a monster -- use a staff of monster summoning.
Looking pale? Quaff a red potion!
Lord, what fools these mortals be
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny... Elbert Hubbard
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love at first sight is the greatest labor-saving device the world has ever@seen.
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love the sea? I dote upon it--from the beach.
Love thy neighbor. Tune thy piano.
Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity... E. Letterman
Lucy to Peppermint Patty: you win some, you lose some. charley brown to@himself: gee, that would be nice...
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
M.M.Vault cashiers teleport any amount of gold to the next local branch.
Machines should work; people should think.
Make a wish, it might come true.
Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert.
Make your own fortune, you think I'm made of money or something?
Man and nation will act rationally when all other possibilities have been@exhausted.
Man and wife make one fool.
Man does not live by bread alone, but by faith, by admiration, by@sympathy... Ralph Waldo Emerson
Man is a rationalizing animal, not a rational animal... R. A. Heinlein
Man is by nature a political animal.
Man rarely reads the handwriting on the wall until he has his back to it...@Pogo and Walt Kelly
Man who bites bread or eats peas with knife is lost creature.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man will never fly. Space travel is merely a dream. All aspirin is alike.
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Mankind has yet to devise a rule that never requires exceptions... Wayne@Dyer
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many a yo-yo think he have the world on a string.
Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist.
Many are called, but few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Many hands make light work.
Many monsters make a murdering mob.
Many pages make a crowded castle.
Many pages make a thick book.
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles on very thin paper.
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
Marshall's generalized iceberg theorem: 7/8ths of everything cannot be@seen.
Mary had a little.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
Mathematics is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
Max, as a unary function, isn't very interesting.
May a giant armadillo tromp on your Biology lab five minutes before it's@due.
May a giant hopping potato from Pluto flatten your fiancee.
May a giant warty purple guppy swallow your mother.
May a maniacal hippopotamus mangle your liver.
May a particularly vicious breed of black beetle make its home in your nose.
May a thousand camels step on your bad corns.
May a thousand Klingon Dreadnoughts obliterate your home state.
May a World War II holdout bayonet your eyeballs.
May all your computerized homework assignments crash.
May four hundred riot-crazed aborigines storm your dormitory at 2:00 A.M.
May the CIA erase you.
May the crystal chandelier in the funeral parlour fall on your coffin.
May three million ants make their home in your lunch.
May you live in uninteresting times.
May your left nostril turn inside out while you sleep.
May your next romantic encounter be interrupted by a large nuclear@explosion.
May your nose run like my ball-point pen.
May your parents disown you.
May your senior thesis be rejected the day before finals.
May your shoelace come untied as you rise to speak to thousands of rich@alumni.
May your spouse agree with your mother-in-law about EVERYTHING.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
ME? Insult YOU? You're asking ME to insult YOU, mush-for-brains?
Mediocrity thrives on standardization... Wayne Dyer
Meditation is not what you think.
Meet yourself! Commit suicide and type "hack"
Meeting your own ghost decreases your luck considerably!
Memory flaw - core dumped.
Men and nations behave wisely only after exhausting all other@alternatives... Abba Eban
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Men who have excessive faith in their theories or ideas are not only@ill prepared for making discoveries, they also make poor observations...@Claude Bernard
Message from uiucuxc!root on tty6 ...
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of@Casablanca.
Mile's Law: where you stand depends on where you sit.
Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it.
Misfortune.
Misfortune: the kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are the stepping stones to failure.
Moderation in all things.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Modesty is an ornament, but you go further without it... German Proverb
Modesty is of no use to a beggar... Homer
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
Money is like a sixth sense, and you cannot make use of the other five@without it... Somerset Maugham
Money is the root of all evil.
Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money to invest? Take it to the local branch of the Magic Memory Vault!
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Monsters come from nowhere to hit you everywhere.
Monsters sleep because you are boring, not because they ever get tired.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously.
Most monsters can't swim.
Most monsters prefer minced meat. That's why they are hitting you!
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
Most people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Most rumors are just as misleading as this one.
Mother Nature pleads the Fifth.
MOUNT TAPE K03243 ON 5E2, NO RING
Mr. Rockford? Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your@renewal before the extended deadline, but not your check. I'm sorry, but at@midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from@the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's shirts@but they're going back.
Mr. Rockford? This is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary@Etiquette. We aren't going to call again; now you want these free lessons@or what?
Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could you call@me at ... My name is, uh, ... Never mind, forget it
Mr. Spock wears vulcanized rubbers.
MSG FROM CRETIN: I HAVE JUST FOUND OUT THE WRITE PASSWORD TO YOUR 191 DISK@AND I'M GOING TO ERASE ALL OF YOUR FILES.
Much ado Nothing Happens.
Muddy water let stand will clear... Chinese Proverb
Mum's the word.
Mumble jumble.
Mumble.
Murder complaint? Mail to 'netnix!devil!gamble!freak!trap!lastwill!rip'.
Murphy was an optimist.
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
My brain hurts
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
My dog has no nose.
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My Karma ran over my dogma.
My, that was a tasty banana.
Nanu nanu
Nanu nanu!
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature did not make us perfect, but at least she had the kindness to make us@blind to our faults... Anon
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
Necessity has no law.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
Need money? Sell your corpses to a tin factory.
Neestiko arkoudi dhen horevee.
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Neil Armstrong tripped.
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Never argue with anyone who buys ink by the gallon.
Never ask a shopkeeper for a price list.
Never attack a guard.
Never be led astray into the path of virtue!
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart...@Charles Dickens
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
Never drink from your finger bowl--it contains only water.
Never drop a crysknife! No, never even unwield it, until...
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
Never eat in a place with sliding doors unless you're crazy about raw fish.
Never eat with glowing hands!
Never fight a monster: you might get killed.
Never give a gun to ducks.
Never go into the dungeon at midnight.
Never having been able to succeed in the world, he took his revenge by@speaking ill of it... Voltaire
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Never kick a sleeping dog.
Never kiss an animal. It may cause kissing disease.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Never map the labyrinth.
Never mind the monsters hitting you: they just replace the charwomen.
Never mind, forget it
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never promise more than you can perform.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely.
Never replace a successful experiment.
Never ride a long worm.
Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this"
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him...@John Lavater
Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
Never step on a cursed engraving.
Never swim with a camera: there's nothing to take pictures of.
Never take a drink when you are feeling sorry for yourself.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never throw a bird at a dragon.
Never trust a random generator in magic fields.
Never underestimate a woman.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never use a wand of death.
Never use your best weapon to engrave a curse.
Never vomit on a door mat.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
New boots . . . big steps... Chinese Proverb
Next Friday is not your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have any@lucky days this year.
Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity.
Nice guys get sick.
Nihilism doesn't exist.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No directory
No easy fighting with a heavy load!
No experiment is reproducible.
No guts, no glory... Anon
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
(1) Everything depends.@(2) Nothing is always.@(3) Everything is sometimes.
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's@the law!
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
100 buckets of bits on the bus@100 buckets of bits@Take one down, short it to ground@FF buckets of bits on the bus@ @FF buckets of bits on the bus@FF buckets of bits@Take one down, short it to ground@FE buckets of bits on the bus@ @ad infinitum...
$100 invested at
nterest for 100 years will become $100,000, at@which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.@ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
186,282 miles per second:@ @It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
2180, U.S. History question:@ What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what@ office did he later hold?
$3,000,000
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible@simulation!"
43rd Law of Computing:@ Anything that can go wr@fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)@ The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National@ Redwood Forest.
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)@ The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the@ Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
99 blocks of crud on the disk,@99 blocks of crud!@You patch a bug, and dump it again:@100 blocks of crud on the disk!@ @100 blocks of crud on the disk,@100 blocks of crud!@You patch a bug, and dump it again:@101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a@"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.@ -- Mahatma Ghandi
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no@responsibility at the other.
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.@ -- Carl Sandburg
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out@of a divorce.@ -- Don Quinn
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining@and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.@ -- Mark Twain
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it@adds up to be real money.@ -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you@have turned into a pile of dust.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have@enlightened him with ours.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well@as afterward.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the@poor to protect them from each other.
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not@mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty@trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.@ -- Dave Barry
A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.@Avoid him. He's a Commie.
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but@won't cross the street to vote in a national election.@ -- Bill Vaughan
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together@ -- Herbert Prochnow
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody@wants to read.@ -- Mark Twain
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A computer, to print out a fact,@Will divide, multiply, and subtract.@ But this output can be@ No more than debris,@If the input was short of exact.@ -- Gigo
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
A CONS is an object which cares.@ -- Bernie Greenberg.
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it@is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.@ -- Dyer
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.@ -- Ben Franklin
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison@And had an affair with a Saracen.@ She was not oversexed,@ Or jealous or vexed,@She just wanted to make a comparison.
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen@lantern.@ -- Edgar A. Shoaff
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur@coat.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that@you will look forward to the trip.
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.@ -- Ogden Nash
A dozen, a gross, and a score,@Plus three times the square root of four,@ Divided by seven,@ Plus five time eleven,@Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the@subject.@ -- Winston Churchill
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into@superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.@ -- G. B. Shaw
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block@of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an@elephant.
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.@ -- D. Gries
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.@ -- Adlai Stevenson
A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding@ducks.@ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort@of).
A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened@into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the@hope of greening the landscape of idea.@ -- John Ciardi
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely@rearranging their prejudices.@ -- William James
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is@not worth knowing.
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program@in than some that do.@ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work@by being declared to work.@ -- Anatol Holt
A Law of Computer Programming:@ Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you@ will find the programmers cannot write in English.
A limerick packs laughs anatomical@Into space that is quite economical.@ But the good ones I've seen@ So seldom are clean,@And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of@nothing.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any@price.
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in@his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and@exceptional ability in that particular field."
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.@ -- Steve Wright
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I@believe everything positively stinks.@ -- Lew Col
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"@ @"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a@sense of obligation."@ -- Stephen Crane
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
A new dramatist of the absurd@Has a voice that will shortly be heard.@ I learn from my spies@ He's about to devise@An unprintable three-letter word.
A new koan:@ @ If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.@ @ If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.@ @It is an ice cream koan.
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.@Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now@has no excuse for further procrastination.
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies@insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the@right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the@rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.@ -- Gloria Steinem
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.@ -- George Wald
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"@ -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that@your wife will give you for free.
A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be@too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which@was intended for her preservation.@ -- Colton
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked@out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."@ -- Steel City News
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices@that the system works.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and@the real reason.
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may@not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized@rosewater.
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man@contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.@ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will@keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those@that are worth committing.@ -- Samuel Butler
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard@ -- Prof. Steiner
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he@was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.@ -- Mark Twain
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.@ -- O'Henry
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many@bad measures.@ -- Daniel Webster
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an@exam.
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something@undreamed of by its author.@ -- S. C. Johnson
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,@and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by@blowing first.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene@triangle.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest@in students.@ -- John Ciardi
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."@ -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,@Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.@ She found a good way@ To combine work and play:@She sells C shells by the seashore.
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature@replaces it with.@ -- Tennessee Williams
A very intelligent turtle@Found programming UNIX a hurdle@ The system, you see,@ Ran as slow as did he,@And that's not saying much for the turtle.
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without@getting nervous.
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets@people's attention.
"A witty saying proves nothing."@ -- Voltaire
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe@in God.
A.A.A.A.A.:@ An organization for drunks who drive
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!@You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the@ends."@ -- Herbert Hoover
Absence makes the heart go wander.
Absent, adj.:@ Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;@ slandered.
Absentee, n.:@ A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove@ himself from the sphere of exaction.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Abstainer, n.:@ A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a@ pleasure.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Absurdity, n.:@ A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own@ opinion.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,@because the stakes are so low.@ -- Wallace Sayre
Accident, n.:@ A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of@ body is better.
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least@once a year.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.@ -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
According to the latest official figures, 4
f all statistics are@totally worthless.
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never@dies.
Accordion, n.:@ A bagpipe with pleats.
Accuracy, n.:@ The vice of being right
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
Acquaintance, n.:@ A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well@ enough to lend to.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from@coughing."
Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had@ everyone glued in their seats!"@Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of@ it!"
Actor: So what do you do for a living?@Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving@ dishes for Chinese restaurants.@ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
ADA, n.:@ Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in@ Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an@ ADA awareness."
Admiration, n.:@ Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Adolescence, n.:@ The stage between puberty and adultery.
"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look@like you ..."@ --- Gilda Radner
Adore, v.:@ To venerate expectantly.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Adult, n.:@ One old enough to know better.
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest@way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.@ -- Sinclair Lewis
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known@quotations."@ -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not@for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have@simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.@ -- P. J. O'Rourke
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found@on the bench.
"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of@the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the@cost to others, to win advancement."@ -- Norman Thomas
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe@everything. Just in case.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access@cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been@removed.
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a@change.
Afternoon, n.:@ That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the@ morning.
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.@ -- Dorothy Parker
Age, n.:@ That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we@still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise@to commit.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,@there's the rub.@ @For all dreams are not equal,@some exit to nightmare@most end with the dreamer@ @But at least one must be lived ... and died.
Air is water with holes in it
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.@ -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
Alden's Laws:@ (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause@ of pregnancy.@ (2) Always be backlit.@ (3) Sit down whenever possible.
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,@Aleph-null bottles of beer,@ You take one down, and pass it around,@Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
Alex Haley was adopted!
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting@for a dial tone.
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of@them keeps paying for it.@ -- Peggy Joyce
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely@than others.@ -- Alan Truscott
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing@without thinking.
"All flesh is grass"@ -- Isiah@Smoke a friend today.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own@importance.
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled@by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power@ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are@Socrates.@ -- Woody Allen
"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us@sane."
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more@specific."@ -- Jane Wagner
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of@the United States.@ -- Vic Gold
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of@every organism to live beyond its income.@ -- Samuel Butler
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.@ -- E. Rutherford
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right@hands."@ -- Saint Patrick
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."@ -- Mark Twain
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most@ridiculous ones.@ -- La Rochefoucauld
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by@the government in less than a second.@ -- Jim Fiebig
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.@ -- Sean O'Casey
All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for@fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes@infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in@which he was born.@ -- Francois Fenelon
Alone, adj.:@ In bad company.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight@Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.@ -- Dave Barry
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid@back.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing@that way."
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...@ @If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end@across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...@ @There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it@would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
Ambidextrous, adj.:@ Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.@ -- Charlie McCarthy
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism@to decadence without touching civilization.@ -- John O'Hara
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,@until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and@changed its name to "America".@ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because@people refuse to see it.@ -- James Michener, "Space"
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but@is always polite to traffic cops.
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to@New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but@not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."@ -- David Letterman
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you@really care to know.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.@ -- A. P. Herbert
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often@picturesque liar."@ -- Mark Twain
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these@eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as@possible.@ -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no@government at all.
... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
And I heard Jeff exclaim,@As they strolled out of sight,@"Merry Christmas to all --@You take credit cards, right?"@ -- "Outsiders" comic
... And malt does more than Milton can@To justify God's ways to man@ -- A. E. Housman
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a@courtesy detail."
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"@asked the father of his little son.@ "Diet."
Angels we have heard on High@Tell us to go out and Buy.@ -- Tom Lehrer
Ankh if you love Isis.
Anoint, v.:@ To grease a king or other great functionary already@ sufficiently slippery.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Anthony's Law of Force:@ Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:@ Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible@ corner of the workshop.@ @Corollary:@ On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike@ your toes.
Antonym, n.:@ The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.@ -- Charles McCabe
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.@ -- Charles McCabe
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.@ -- Aesop
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that@this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a@whole week.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to@sell it.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.@ -- Sydney J. Harris
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger@object.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to@exactly the point of most pressure.@ -- Milt Barber
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.@ -- Rich Kulawiec
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged@demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.@ -- Arthur C. Clarke
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked@something.
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.@ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is@probably parked.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is@supposed to be doing at the moment.@ -- Robert Benchley
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.@ -- Publilius Syrus
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with@none.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he@is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not@make messes in the house.@ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.@ -- Samuel Goldwyn
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.@ -- W. C. Fields
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no@account be allowed to do the job.@ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never@tried taking candy from a baby.@ -- Robin Hood
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the@price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"@means the price went way up.
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
Aphorism, n.:@ A concise, clever statement.@Afterism, n.:@ A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.@ -- James Alexander Thom
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of@the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of@coding bums.
"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I@can't read any of them."@ -- Roy Keir
Aquadextrous, adj.:@ Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off@ with your toes.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:@ Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing@general can be said."
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --@ FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
Are you a turtle?
Are you a turtle?
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."@ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)@ You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You@ are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are@ not very nice.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your@shoes.@ -- Mickey Mouse
Armadillo:@ To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:@ (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.@ (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.@ (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the@ first two laws.
Art is anything you can get away with.@ -- Marshall McLuhan.
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.@ -- Paul Gauguin
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not@certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.@ -- Albert Einstein
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.@ -- Weisert
As I was passing Project MAC,@I met a Quux with seven hacks.@Every hack had seven bugs;@Every bug had seven manifestations;@Every manifestation had seven symptoms.@Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,@How many losses at Project MAC?
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its@fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be@popular.@ -- Oscar Wilde
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500@programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."@ --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new@ computer system.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's@so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.@ -- Woody Allen
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there@is always a future in Computer Maintenance.@ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free@variable."
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if@one went to Harvard).@ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the@Station-to--Station rate.
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the@bathtub, it tolls for thee.
Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"@for an answer.
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old@woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,@she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"@ -- David Letterman
Ass, n.:@ The masculine of "lass".
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los@Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head@under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial@challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.@ -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.@ -- J. B. White
"At least they're EXPERIENCED incompetents"
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his@thumb with a hammer.@ -- Marshall Lumsden
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will@find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on@the computer.
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole@or street lamp.
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.@ -- Winston Churchill
Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever@depths they were once able to plumb.@ -- Stanley Kaufman
Automobile, n.:@ A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down@ pedestrians.
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.@ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
Avoid reality at all costs.
"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but@we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."@ -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
Bacchus, n.:@ A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for@ getting drunk.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bagdikian's Observation:@ Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American@ newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion"@ on a ukelele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:@ A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides@ by governors.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Banectomy, n.:@ The removal of bruises on a banana.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
Barach's Rule:@ An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own@ physician.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the@floor -- especially in the dark.
Barometer, n.:@ An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we@ are having.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Barth's Distinction:@ There are two types of people: those who divide people into two@ types, and those who don't.
Baruch's Observation:@ If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high@taxes.@ -- Will Rogers
Basic is a high level languish.@APL is a high level anguish.
"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
Basic, n.:@ A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in@ that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
Bathquake, n.:@ The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water@ faucet is turned on to a certain point.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your@door.
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely@get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your@face.@ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.@ -- Mark Twain
Be different: conform.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so@get used to it.
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and@miss@ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Bees are very busy souls@They have no time for birth controls@And that is why in times like these@There are so many Sons of Bees.
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's@ego.
Begathon, n.:@ A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so@you won't have to watch commercials.
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh@away.
"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:@ (1) Houses are for people to live in.@ (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.@ (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"@ -- Time Bandits
Better dead than mellow.
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not@tried it."@ -- Donald Knuth
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.@ -- Leonard Brandwein
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a@drip under pressure.
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but@nothing of interest is easy.
Binary, adj.:@ Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same@thing as division."
Bipolar, adj.:@ Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,@ New York
Birth, n.:@ The first and direst of all disasters.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
Bizoos, n.:@ The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a@ basketball.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as@Wheels.
BLISS is ignorance
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
Blore's Razor:@ Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is@funnier.
Boling's postulate:@ If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:@ Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so@ vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:@ Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
Boob's Law:@ You always find something in the last place you look.
Bore, n.:@ A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.@ -- Walter Winchell
Bore, n.:@ A person who talks when you wish him to listen.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Boren's Laws:@ (1) When in charge, ponder.@ (2) When in trouble, delegate.@ (3) When in doubt, mumble.
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry@that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation@straightened out for a crowbar.@ -- O. W. Holmes
Boston, n.:@ Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for@ finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
Boy, n.:@ A noise with dirt on it.
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least@when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.@ -- James Thurber
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.@ -- Kin Hubbard
Bradley's Bromide:@ If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a@ committee -- that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:@ When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more@ easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone@ Ranger have handled this?"
Brain fried -- Core dumped
Brain, n.:@ The apparatus with which we think that we think.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:@ To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of@ error in an opponent.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,@since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.@ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Bride, n.:@ A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may@revitalize the corner saloon.
Broad-mindedness, n.:@ The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Brontosaurus Principle:@ Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them@in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when@this occurs, they are an endangered species.@ -- Thomas K. Connellan
Brook's Law:@ Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
Brooke's Law:@ Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool@ discovers something which either abolishes the system or@ expands it beyond recognition.
Bubble Memory, n.:@ A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's@ intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
Bucy's Law:@ Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bugs, pl. n.:@ Small living things that small living boys throw on small@ living girls.
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the@ outfit."@GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"@BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."@ -- Jay Ward
Bumper sticker:@ @"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British@manufacture"
Bureaucrat, n.:@ A person who cuts red tape sideways.@ -- J. McCabe
Bureaucrat, n.:@ A politician who has tenure.
Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations@paws."
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast@to the nearest gas station."
But scientists, who ought to know@Assure us that it must be so.@Oh, let us never, never doubt@What nobody is sure about.@ -- Hilaire Belloc
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:@Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,@But get thee to a nunnery -- go!@ -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.@ -- Virginia Masters
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable@computers?"
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task@completely overwhelm you.
By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I@mean.@ -- Mark Twain
Cabbage, n.:@ A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as@ a man's head.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Cahn's Axiom:@ When all else fails, read the instructions.
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.@ -- Fred Allen
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.@ -- Indian proverb
"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target@Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."@ -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth@Corner, Vermont."@ -- Clarence Darrow
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two@points.@ -- M. M. Johnston
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:@ It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.@ @Supplement:@ A .44 magnum beats four aces.
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents@for postage and 30 cents for storage.@ -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial@ Post
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?@Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,@A root or two, a torus and a node:@The inverse of my verse, a null domain.@ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
Captain Penny's Law:@ You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of@ the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than@expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to@complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their@planning to reduce the time it takes.
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and@trousers that don't match.
Cat, n.:@ Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.@ -- Mark Twain
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the@center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation@works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.@ -- Kelvin Throop III
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,@how many?
Chapter 1@ @The story so far:@ @ In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot@of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Character Density, n.:@ The number of very weird people in the office.
Checkuary, n.:@ The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and@ ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on@ his checks.
Chef, n.:@ Any cook who swears in French.
Chemicals, n.:@ Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:@ Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn@ headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".@ -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
Chicago, n.:@ Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Chicken Little was right.
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every@effort to teach them good manners.
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're@going to catch you in next.@ -- Franklin P. Jones
What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow.
Let me play with it first and I'll tell you what it is later.@- Miles Davis
You will be successful in your work.
I just thought of something funny...your mother.@- Cheech Marin
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.@- Joey Ramone
Life is wasted on the living.@- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
Youth is wasted on the young.@- George Bernard Shaw
The life of a repo man is always intense.
You will soon meet a tall dark handsome stranger.
!xob XINEX siht edisni kcuts m'I ,pleH
I like the future, I'm in it.
If you don't watch it, you're going to catch something.
To be, or what?@- Sylvester Stallone
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and@he'll invite himself over for dinner.
I waited and waited, and when nobody called, I knew it was from you.
A stitch in time saves nine.
There's a bug somewhere in your code.
Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee.@[A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.]@- Dutch Proverb
Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit.@[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]@- OVID
He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this! Do that!" And nothing will happen.@- Harry S. Truman, on presidential power
Practice is the best of all instructors.@- Publilius
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.@- Poor Richard's Almanac
The hypothesis:@Amid a wash of paper, a small number of documents become the critical@pivots around which every project's management revolves. These are the@manager's chief personal tools.@- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy.@- Swift
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it@frankly and try another. But above all, try something.@- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Things are always at their best in the beginning.@- Pascal
A good workman is known by his tools.
None love the bearer of bad news.@- Sophocles
How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time.@- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
What we do not understand we do not possess.@- Goethe
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.@- Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month
The first 9
f a project takes 9
f the time. The last 1
f a project@takes 9
f the time.
"GOTO statement considered harmful"@- E. W. Dijkstra, title to a letter in CACM 11, 3 (March, 1968)
The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us will go to the stars.
The emperor has no clothes.
Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian.
The clothes have no emperor.@- C. A. Hoare, about Ada.
There will always be survivors.@- Robert Heinlen
Mind your own business, Mr. Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having@fun.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.@- Samuel Johnson
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a@communist.
A man forgives only when he is in the wrong.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
University: A modern school where football is taught.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is more than she ever did.@- Rufus T. Firefly, in "Duck Soup"
It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your@bedroom window or outside your bedroom, period.@- Groucho Marx
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Been Transferred Lately?
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as@wheels.
Angular momentum makes the world go round.
Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Don't eat yellow snow. - Frank Zappa
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Everything you know is wrong. - The Firesign Theater
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
Hackers of the world, unite!
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
I will never lie to you.
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
If God had wanted man to go around nude, He would have given him bigger@hands.
If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him airline tickets.
Ignore previous fortune.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Long life is in store for you.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
Many are called, few volunteer.
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of@Casablanca.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it is unanimous.
The time is right to make new friends.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
To think is human, to compute, divine.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
Your boss is thinking about you.
If something's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter@hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the@wisdom to make the right choice.@- Woody Allen
Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their@children. I would prefer to achieve it by not dying.@- Woody Allen
Nothing is done until nothing is done.
The fourth law of thermodynamics:@The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.
There are no saints, only unrecognized villains.
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work.
Your project will be late.
The CS Sage says: Seek new employment prior to the imposition of@performance penalties on your project.
You will see the light at the end of the tunnel; unfortunately, it will be@the light of an oncoming freight train.
What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow.
"The country needs and, unless I mistake its temper, the contry demands@bold, persistent experimentation."@- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Money talks...but all mine keeps saying is "goodbye"
"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" "Nonsense, he was@obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."@- two people in the crowd in "The Life of Brian"
How do you make a small fortune in Texas oil?@ @Start with a big one.
What can a pigeon do that a west Texas oil man can't do anymore?@A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Mercedes.
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?@Two. One to change the bulb and one to mix the drinks.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?@Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want@to change.
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?@Four. One to change the bulb and three to share the experience.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?@None. It's a hardware problem.
To program anything that is programmable is obsession.
Ill play with it first and tell you what it is later.@- Miles Davis
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.@- Hassan I Sabbah@ @Bullshit.@- Karl
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.@- Bo Diddley
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.@- Southern California Oracle
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind@to correlate all its contents.@- H. P. Lovecraft
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.@- Ken Kesey
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.@- Little Richard
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.@- Mae West
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.@- Sigmund Freud
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never@tried before.@- Mae West
Her life was saved by rock and roll.@- Lou Reed
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of@oral-genita intimacy,@- J. Edgar Hoover
"Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never had@lit one." - Maxim of the Hells Angels
It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.@- Willie Sutton
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.@- Billy Rose
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the@largest shopping center in the world?@- Richard M. Nixon
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve@it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.@- Al Capone
Anything anybody can say about America is true.@- Emmett Grogan
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los@Angeles.@- Frank Lloyd Wright
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.@- Spiro Agnew
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.@- Ronald Reagan
If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all.@- a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.@- South African Saying
You can't underestimate the power of fear.@- Tricia Nixon
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.@- Wavy Gravy
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.@- Buckminster Fuller
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.@Dwight D. Eisenhower
College isn't the place to go for ideas.@- Hellen Keller
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.@- Arthur C. Clarke
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?@- Allen Ginsberg
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to@beat somebody.@- Richard M. Nixon
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.@- Arthur C. Clarke
Justice is incedental to law and order.@- J. Edgar Hoover
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.@- Groucho Marx
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.@- Abbie Hoffman
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.@- Pink Floyd
How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?@- Firesign Theater
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.@- Oscar Wilde
We are what we pretend to be.@- Kurt Vonnegut, JR
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.@- Oscar Wilde
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -@but thats the way to bet.@- Damon Runyon
I could prove God statistically.@- George Gallup
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior@spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive@with our frail and feeble mind.@- Albert Einstein
Real wealth can only increase.@- R. Buckminster Fuller
Anyone can hate. it costs to love.@- John Williamson
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true@or becomes true.@- John Lilly
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.@- Graffiti
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is@comprehensible.@- Albert Einstein
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.@- Tallulah Bankhead
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.@- George Wald
Dont lose@Your head@To gain a minute@You need your head@Your brains are in it.@- Burma Shave
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been@always thus.@- Dean Lattimer
Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.@- Ken Weaver
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.@- John Culkin
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from@you.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find out the@truth.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the@wrong direction.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely@overwhelm me.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the@target.@- Ashleigh Brilliant
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without@civilization in between.@- Oscar Wilde
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.@- Alan Coult
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would@presumably flunk it.@- Stanley Garn
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.@- Father Robert F. Capon
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest@men in national government too.@- Richard M. Nixon
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.@- Dwight D. Eisenhower
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution@inevitiable.@- John F. Kennedy
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if@it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. Thats logic."@- Lewis Carroll
It takes a long time to understand nothing.@- Edward Dahlberg
To know the world one must construct it.@- Cesare Pavese
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.@- Bullwinkle Moose
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.@- Tenessee Williams
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.@- Rene Magritte
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,@ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.@- Kingfish
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.@- M. C. Escher
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:@ If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.@- Calvin Coolidge
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.@- Paul Erlich
If A equals success, then the formula is:@ A= X + Y + Z@X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.@- Albert Einstein
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont@either.@- Joseph Fischer
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:@ If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.@- David Ellis
Frouds Law:@ A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by@ blowing first.
Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:@ 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P@ 1 Pot P != 1 Pot T@- R. Buckminster Fuller
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.@- J. Paul Getty
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters@needs pounding.@- Abraham Kaplan
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.@- Roger Levian
Thoreau's Law:@ If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good,@ you should run for your life.
Vique's Law:@ A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,@then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.@- Gerald Weinberg (sysop's note: bull)
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:@Nobody notices when things go right.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.@- Confucius
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.@Book of Proverbs
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.@- Mark Twain
The unnatural, that too is natural.@- Goethe
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.@- Graffiti
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.@- Samuel Goldwyn
He hasn't one redeeming vice.@- Oscar Wilde
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.@- Graffiti
(To Walter Cronkite):@"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number@of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running@up and down a street"@- Neil Armstrong
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"@- George Bernard Shaw
"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty@without any proof"@- Ashley Montague
Birth, copulation and death.@That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;@Birth, copulation and death.@- T. S. Elliot, Sweeney Agonistes (1932)
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."@- D. B. Hudson
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more@'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take@all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."@- Bill Gates, Pres., Microsoft, Inc.
Bradley's Bromide:@If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee...@ that will do them in.
Civilization Law #1:@Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations@one can do without thinking about them.
Ketterling's Law:@Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B',@'A' is most likely a scoundrel"@- H. L. Mencken
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded@on the Christian Religion"@- George Washington
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."@ - Thomas Jefferson
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"@ - Thomas Jefferson
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"@ - Benjamin Franklin
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"@- Thomas Jefferson
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained@control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"@- Pat Paulsen
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"@- Albert Camus
"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months for possession@of a deadly weapon!"@- cartoon by S. Harris
The Swartzberg Test:@ The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"@ - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its@programmer."
"You don't have to explain something you never said"@- Calvin Coolidge
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"@- Bismarck
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"@- Everett Dirksen
"I like a man who grins when he fights."@- Winston Churchill
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."@- Winston Churchill
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick@himself up and carry on..."@- Winston Churchill
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,@and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,@Thursday, and Saturday."@- William Bragg
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"@- John W. Campbell
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"@- Thoreau (Sysop's note: and if so, what are we doing here?)
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and@over!
The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll@believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have@to touch it to be sure.
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or@how long it will last.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what@no one else has thought."@- Albert Szent-Gyorgi
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"@- "Oh, Lucky Man"
I really hate this damn machine,@I wish that they would sell it.@It never does just what I want,@But only what I tell it.
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;@united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"@- Goya
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon@the wall instead of using it"@- Gordon R. Dickson
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."@- Toynbee
"We have met the enemy and he is us"@- Walt Kelly (in POGO)
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are@now extinct."@- M. Somerset Maugham
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."@- Bert Lantz
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a@neccessity."@- Oscar Wilde
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."@- Voltaire
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"@- Heisenberg
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted@to my kind of fooling"@- R. Frost
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"@- Ben Jonson
Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is@strong as death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire,@fiercer than any flame.@[Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)]
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to@thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the@wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?@[2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)]
When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy,@and driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and@exterminate them. You're to make no compromise with them or show them any@mercy.@[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]
I just thought of something funny...your mother.@- Cheech Marin
You will be successful in your work.
The life of a repo man is always intense.
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they@really hate is lousy programmers.@- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
Wherever you go...There you are.@- Buckaroo Banzai
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.@- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.@- Joey Ramone
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.@- Seneca
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do@nothing.
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.@- Nicklaus Wirth
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.@Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.@- Calvin Keegan
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.@- Niels Bohr
The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact@mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.@- Frank Zappa
Things are not as simple as they seems at first.@- Edward Thorp
The main thing is the play itself. I swear that greed for money has nothing@to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.@- Feodor Dostoyevsky
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.@- Robert Bly
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.@- Alan Turing
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.@- Blaise Pascal
After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.@- Freeman Dyson
There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make@it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to@make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.@- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
"It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.@Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top."@- Hunter S. Thompson
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has@today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool --@programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they@describe.@- Fred Brooks, Jr.
...when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer@has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.@- Fred Brooks, Jr.
...computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since@civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price@gain in 30 years.@- Fred Brooks, Jr.
The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one.@Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity@often abstract away its essence.@- Fred Brooks, Jr.
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature,@because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the@software engineer.@- Fred Brooks, Jr.
Except for 7
f the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.@- Ellyn Mustard
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in@it.@- Brian Kernighan
Perfection is acheived only on the point of collapse.@- C. N. Parkinson
There you go man,@Keep as cool as you can.@It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.@Keep on being free!
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,@and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - Peanuts
Police up your spare rounds and frags. Don't leave nothin' for the dinks.@- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon"
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more@specific."
"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace."@-- Holly Near
"No matter where you go, there you are..."@-- Buckaroo Banzai
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
"I'm growing older, but not up."@-- Jimmy Buffett
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin,@Man.
"I hate the itching. But I don't mind the swelling."@-- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?" that David Letterman's trying@ to get everyone to start saying
Your own mileage may vary.
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."@-- Marvin The Paranoid Android
"Send lawyers, guns and money..."@-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song
"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs."@- H. L. Mencken
"Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom;@Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love;@Love is not music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa
I can't drive 55.
"And they told us, what they wanted...@ Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance." -- Kate Bush
"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's@not there if you want to keep writing good code." - Karl
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
I can't drive 55.@I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 65, either.
Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas. -Karl
Sit on a happy face.
"Can you program?" "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!"
No user-servicable parts inside. Refer to qualified service personnel.
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way@to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.@Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one@mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.@- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
"It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.@-- Blaise Pascal
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.@-- Thomas Jefferson
To be awake is to be alive. -- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"
A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is@never sure. Proverb
You see but you do not observe.@Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle@unless there be two. -- Seneca
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the@order of space and time. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.@-- Bengamin Disraeli
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan. We may as well think@of rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant. -- Edmund Burke
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.@-- H. L. Mencken
Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.@-- James J. Ling
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.@Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,@a rivalry of aim. -- Henry Brook Adams
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own@aristocracy based on excellence of performance. -- James Bryant Conant
You can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi Berra
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit,@I see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by@electricity. -- Samuel F. B. Morse
"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you." -- Alexander Graham Bell
It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud.@-- J. C. R. Licklider
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.@-- Ramsey Clark
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate@knowledge of its ugly side. -- James Baldwin
Small is beautiful.
...the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality@tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software.@-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.@-- Abraham Lincoln
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.@-- Jean Cocteau
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.@You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.@-- Robert Lucky
Get hold of portable property. -- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?@ @"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
"Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free@with my breakfast cereal."@- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Uncompensated overtime? Just Say No.
Decaffeinated coffee? Just Say No.
"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid."@- Martin Mull
"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television."@- David Letterman
"Morality is one thing. Ratings are everything."@- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom"
Live free or die.
"...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,@this would be a better world." - Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too@dark to read.
"Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system]@ made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories." - Ted Nelson, October 1977
"All these black people are screwing up my democracy." - Ian Smith
Use the Force, Luke.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!@ -- Joe Cointment
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't get even -- get odd!
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly@misleading. Debug only code.@ -- Dave Storer
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes@you nothing. It was here first."@ -- Mark Twain
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking@distance.
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy@it today you can do it again tomorrow.
"Don't say yes until I finish talking."@ -- Darryl F. Zanuck
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.@Cheat.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!@ -- "Brazil"
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to@get more wax!!"
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts@avoiding you.@ -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any@good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."@ -- Howard Aiken
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already@tomorrow in Australia.@ -- Charles Schultz
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too@busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Double-Blind Experiment, n.:@ An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is@fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a@belief in the tooth fairy.
Down with categorical imperative!
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:@ The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front@ of your eyes.
Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic@route!
Ducharme's Axiom:@ If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize@ yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept:@ Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and@it holds the universe together ...@ -- Carl Zwanzig
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders@has been discontinued.
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate@and captain of your soul.
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several@times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_ ~{o[po ~y oods
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have@nothing whatever to do with it."@ -- W. Somerset Maugham
E Pluribus Unix
Eagleson's Law:@ Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more@months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is@an optimist, the real number is more like 3 weeks.)
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
/earth is 9
ull ... please delete anyone you can.
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."@ -- Jeff Berner
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.@ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Economics, n.:@ Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.@ Galbraith ...@ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy@would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it@hasn't.@ -- Robert Orben
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a@percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.@ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.@ -- Fred Allen
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.@ -- Irsin Edman
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.@ -- Adlai Stevenson
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain@of being a damned fool.@ -- Bellamy Brooks
Egotist, n.:@ A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Ehrman's Commentary:@ (1) Things will get worse before they get better.@ (2) Who said things would get better?
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.@ -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Electrocution, n.:@ Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Elevators smell different to midgets
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:@ Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we@ can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Encyclopedia Salesmen:@ Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police@ and tell them your house is being burgled.@ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.@Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.@ -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which@otherwise require harder thinking.@ -- Jerome Lettvin
Epperson's law:@ When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably@something his wife can beat him at.
Equal bytes for women.
Error in operator: add beer
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven@ Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;@Und aller-mumsige Burggoven@ Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.@ -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.@ -- Woody Allen
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to@speak it to?@ -- Clarence Darrow
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."@ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United@States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you@just how busy they are.
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman@and stop her.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.@ -- Frank Moore Colby
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.@ -- Don Vonada
"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.@ -- Miguel de Cervantes
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal@basis.@ @It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one@instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every@program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
Every program has two purposes -- written and another for which it@wasn't.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no@guarantee of eventual success.
"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.@ -- Beckett
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.@ -- Dykstra
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be@taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to@realize it.
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,@no one we know belongs.
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being@that a belch is more satisfying.@ -- Ingmar Bergman
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Everything you know is wrong!
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from@acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.@ -- W. Somerset Maugham
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do@the work.@ -- John G. Pollard
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
Expense Accounts, n.:@ Corporate food stamps.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.@ -- Olivier
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake@when you make it again.@ -- F. P. Jones
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and@the instruction afterward.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old@ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
F: When into a room I plunge, I@ Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.@ Then I linger, darkly brooding@ On the poison they're exuding.@ -- The Roguelet's ABC
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Fairy Tale, n.:@ A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic@without looking to see whether the seeds move.
Faith, n:@ That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be@ untrue.
Fakir, n:@ A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost@ religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources@ seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
Familiarity breeds attempt
Famous last words:
Famous last words:@ (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."@ (2) "You and what army?"@ (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be@ a cop."
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it@every six months.@ -- Oscar Wilde
Fats Loves Madelyn
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,@neither will you.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:@ If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.@ @Corollary:@ If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you@ live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination:@ Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that@ there is nothing important to do.
Fifty flippant frogs@Walked by on flippered feet@And with their slime they made the time@Unnaturally fleet.
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North@Carolina.
Finagle's Creed:@ Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We@ don't believe this to be a coincidence." !! - Jeremy S. Anderson
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,@And that's what parents were created for.@ -- Ogden Nash
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for@word what you shouldn't have said.
Chism's Law of Completion:@ The amount of time required to complete a government project is@ precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:@ When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Chivalry, Schmivalry!@ Roger the thief has a@ method he uses for@ sneaky attacks:@Folks who are reading are@ Characteristically@ Always Forgetting to@ Guard their own bac ...
Christ:@ A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Churchill's Commentary on Man:@ Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the@ time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Cigarette, n.:@ A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in@ between.
Cinemuck, n.:@ The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which@ covers the floors of movie theaters.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Clairvoyant, n.:@ A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that@which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like@shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.@ -- Phyllis Diller
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Cleveland still lives. God must be dead.
"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on@society.@ -- Mark Twain
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --@"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Coincidence, n.:@ You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was@going on.
Coincidences are spiritual puns.@ -- G. K. Chesterton
Cold, adj.:@ When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
Cold, adj.:@ When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own@ pockets.
Collaboration, n.:@ A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the@ other fellow can spell.
Colvard's Logical Premises:@ All probabilities are 5
Either a thing will happen or it@ won't.@ @Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:@ This is especially true when dealing with someone you're@ attracted to.@ @Grelb's Commentary@ Likelihoods, however, are 9
gainst you.
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,@And every vector dreams of matrices.@Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:@It whispers of a more ergodic zone.@ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,@Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,@Their indices bedecked from one to n,@Commingled in an endless Markov chain!@ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
Command, n.:@ Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in@such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
COMMENT@ @Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,@A medley of extemporanea;@And love is thing that can never go wrong;@And I am Marie of Roumania.@ -- Dorothy Parker
Commitment, n.:@ Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.@ The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
Committee, n.:@ A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group@decide that nothing can be done.@ -- Fred Allen
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to@be appointed to do the work.
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at@different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.@ -- Clive James
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.@ -- Josh Billings
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.@ -- Albert Einstein
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems@theory.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.@ -- Pablo Picasso
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in@the world that just don't add up.
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more@than the estimate the job will cost.
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.@ -- LaRouchefoucauld
Concept, n.:@ Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than@ $25,000.
... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *did* quote anybody in this@business, it probably would be gibberish.@ -- Thom McLeod
Condense soup, not books!
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is@good for dandruff.@ -- Peter de Vries
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the@situation.
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.@ -- H. L. Mencken
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking@ -- H. L. Mencken
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you@wish you weren't.
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."@ -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then@give it back to them.
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and@if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"@ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern@technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
Conversation, n.:@ A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath@ is called the listener.
Conway's Law:@ In any organization there will always be one person who knows@ what is going on.@ @ This person must be fired.
Coronation, n.:@ The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and@ visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a@ dynamite bomb.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Corrupt, adj.:@ In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a@muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can@make of capitalism.@ -- Walter Lippmann
Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job@is to enforce the law and fight crime.@ -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
Court, n.:@ A place where they dispense with justice.@ -- Arthur Train
Coward, n.:@ One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with@nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.@ -- Wernher von Braun
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.@ -- A. E. Newman
Critic, n.:@ A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries@ to please him.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Croll's Query:@ If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It@eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the@business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."@ -- Johnny Hart
Cynic, n.:@ One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced@ eye.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Dawn, n.:@ The time when men of reason go to bed.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
L-MEM-BAD, bad memory@VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also@easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to@improve.
Dear Lord:@ I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On@ the other hand", again.
Dear Miss Manners:@ Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from@ your face.@ @Gentle Reader:@ Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on@ your face ...
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.@ -- R. Geis
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Death is only a state of mind.@ @Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
Death to all fanatics!
Decision maker, n.:@ The person in your office who was unable to form a task force@ before the music stopped.
Deliberation, n.:@ The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is@ buttered on.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than@we deserve.@ -- George Bernard Shaw
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder@aloud what the country could do under first-class management.@ -- Senator Soaper
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the@incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.@ -- G. B. Shaw
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you@don't think.
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by@Jackasses.@ -- H. L. Mencken
Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.@ -- Jawaharlal Nehru
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people@are right more than half of the time.@ -- E. B. White
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the@board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
Dentist, n.:@ A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls@ coins out of one's pockets.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Despising machines to a man,@The Luddites joined up with the Klan,@ And ride out by night@ In a sheeting of white@To lynch all the robots they can.@ -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will@be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over@the table.@ -- The Anarchist Cookbook
DeVries's Dilemma:@ If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want@ hits the paper.
Did I say 2? I lied.
Did you know ...@ @That no-one ever reads these things?
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Die, v.:@ To stop sinning suddenly.@ -- Elbert Hubbard
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a@conventional thing to happen to him."@ -- John Barrymore's dying words
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.@Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Disc space -- the final frontier!
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Distinctive, adj.:@ A different color or shape than our competitors.
Distress, n.:@ A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape@injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any@damage inflicted on the vehicle.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to@anger.
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.@Violators will be prosecuted.@(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each@day as it comes.@ -- Donald Kaul
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Do you have lysdexia?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take@the time to take the dirt out of them?
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"@"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"@"I've never done anything illegal before."@"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and@when it is bad, it is better than nothing.@ -- Dick Brandon
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must@be good because the programmers hate it so much.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Don't be humble ... you're not that great.@ -- Golda Meir
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's fourth Law:@ Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes@ it worse.
Finagle's Second Law:@ No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be@ someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)@ believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture@on a rock.@ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Fine's Corollary:@ Functionality breeds Contempt.
Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:@ @ "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."@ @Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:@ @ P.O. Box 35@ Baffled Greek, Michigan
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:@ Machines that piss people off get murdered.@ -- Pat Taber
First Law of Bicycling:@ No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the@ wind.
First Law of Procrastination:@ Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility@ for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who@ imposed the deadline).
First Law of Socio-Genetics:@ Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History:@ History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each@ other.
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"@ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.@ -- Robert Firth
Flappity, floppity, flip@The mouse on the mobius strip;@ The strip revolved,@ The mouse dissolved@In a chronodimensional skip.
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when@the little hand is on the ....
Flon's Law:@ There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is@ the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flugg's Law:@ When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the@ world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Flying saucers on occasion@ Show themselves to human eyes.@Aliens fume, put off invasion@ While they brand these tales as lies.
Fog Lamps, n.:@ Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the@ fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate@ that the driver's brain is in a fog.@ @ See also "Idiot Lights".
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.@ -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a@cat.
"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be@always old-fashioned.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,@and wrong.@ -- H. L. Mencken
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.@ -- R. Clopton
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence@of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."@ @ "Whose?"@ @ "MINE! HA-HA!"
For perfect happiness, remember two things:@ (1) Be content with what you've got.@ (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say@"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.@ -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to@ the U.S.
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of@a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with@computers altogether?"@ -- Jehan Shuman
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they@like.@ -- Abraham Lincoln
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but@phone calls taper off."@ -- Johnny Carson
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --@I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.@But now I think a thought that brings me hope:@Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.@ -- Justin Richardson.
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
Forgetfulness, n.:@ A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their@ destitution of conscience.
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:@ @ I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.@ "Hey you, get off my plate"@ -- Roger Midnight
Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:@ "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):@ @ Don't Write On Walls!@ @ (and underneath)@ @ You want I should type?
Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:@ @ Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri@sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.@ @Oh, and have a nice day!@ -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
Fourth Law of Revision:@ It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about@ interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for@ you.
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not@almost one, it is damn near zero.@ -- David Ellis
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a@policeman's tie.
Fresco's Discovery:@ If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Frisbeetarianism, n.:@ The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and@ gets stuck.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was@convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.@ -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
Fuch's Warning:@ If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well@enough to travel.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:@ Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Furbling, v.:@ Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank@ even when you are the only person in line.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.@ -- H. H. Williams
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
Garter, n.:@ An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her@ stockings and desolating the country.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall@on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!@ -- Adventures of Asterix.
"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an@extracurricular activity except you."@ "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"@ "Only to ten, Mudhead."@ @ -- Firesign Theater
Genderplex, n.:@ The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to@ determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and@ tortoises).@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why@you should.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus@handicapped.@ -- Elbert Hubbard
Genius, n.:@ A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with@ "bright".
George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.@ -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
George Orwell was an optimist.
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to@have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.@ -- Ashley Cooper
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place@to stand, and I will drain the world.
"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."@ -- Napolean
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to@a new town.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying@around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."@ -- Eric Clapton
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:@ Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the@ probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting@ some useful work done.
Gnagloot, n.:@ A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to@ impress people.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
Go climb a gravity well!
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may@be in owning a piece thereof.@ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days@and then pulled an all-nighter.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
God is a polythiest
God is Dead@ -- Nietzsche@Nietzsche is Dead@ -- God@Nietzsche is God@ -- The Dead
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
God is real, unless declared integer.
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the@elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying@other things.@ -- Pablo Picasso
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.@ -- Alfred Jarry
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board@ -- Mark Twain
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.@ -- Kronecker
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.@ -- Albert Einstein
God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to@school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a@person a car.
Goldenstern's Rules:@ (1) Always hire a rich attorney@ (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad@example.@ -- La Rouchefoucauld
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's@new lover.
"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."@ -- George Saunders' dying words
"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time@travel, you never can tell."@ -- Dr. Who
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with@time travel, you never can tell."@ -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
Got Mole problems?@Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
Goto, n.:@ A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers@ to complain about unstructured programmers.@ -- Ray Simard
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are@different lies.
Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know@any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he@doesn't know much.@ -- Will Rogers
Grabel's Law:@ 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
Grandpa Charnock's Law:@ You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Gray's Law of Programming:@ `n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same@ time as `n' tasks.@ @Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:@ `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks.
Great minds run in great circles.
Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic@tickets.
Greener's Law:@ Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder:@ Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above@ average drivers.
"Grub first, then ethics."@ -- Bertolt Brecht
Gurmlish, n.:@ The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which@ prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof@ of his mouth.@ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.@Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.@ -- Maxwell Bodenheim
H. L. Mencken's Law:@ Those who can -- do.@ Those who can't -- teach.@ @Martin's Extension:@ Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,@ Slice him up before he slays you.@ Nothing makes you look a slob@ Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).@ -- The Roguelet's ABC
Hacker's Law:@ The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a@ nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,@and you would not have been informed.
Hail to the sun god@He sure is a fun god@Ra! Ra! Ra!
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big@enough majority in any town?@ -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
Hand, n.:@ A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and@ commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Hanlon's Razor:@ Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by@ stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time:@ There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days@ before Saturday.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.@ -- Ogden Nash
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.@ -- Oscar Levant
Happiness, n.:@ An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of@ another.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
Hardware, n.:@ The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand@convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.@ -- Tobias Smollet
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark@The Duke is fond of kittens@He likes to take their insides out@And use them for his mittens@ From "The Thirteen Clocks"
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,@Advertising wondrous things.@ -- Tom Lehrer
Harris's Lament:@ All the good ones are taken.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:@ Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment@ ruined.
Hartley's First Law:@ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float@ on his back, you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law:@ Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Harvard Law:@ Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,@ temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the@ organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Hatred, n.:@ A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's@ superiority.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Have an adequate day.
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell@you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time@for play?
"Have you lived here all your life?"@"Oh, twice that long."
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a@crack in your sidewalk?
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline@sharply the minute they start waving guns around?@ -- Dr. Who
"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation@perfectly delightful.@ -- Sydney Smith
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and@heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope@of ever behaving "normally."@ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.@ -- Oscar Wilde
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."@ -- Mark Twain
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.@ -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
He thought he saw an albatross@That fluttered 'round the lamp.@He looked again and saw it was@A penny postage stamp.@"You'd best be getting home," he said,@"The nights are rather damp."
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.@ -- Jonathon Swift
"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him@insufferable."
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both@eyes ..."
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry@attacks democracy itself.@ -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
He who Laughs, Lasts.
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be@there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.@SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.@ -- Walt Kelley
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying@of nothing.@ -- Redd Foxx
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying@of nothing.@ -- Redd Foxx
Heaven, n.:@ A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of@ their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention@ while you expound your own.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Heavy, adj.:@ Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.@ -- Milton Friedman
Heller's Law:@ The first myth of management is that it exists.@ @Johnson's Corollary:@ Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the@ organization.
"Hello," he lied.@ -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Help fight continental drift.
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!@ -- E. E. CUMMINGS
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from@Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,@then they'd be algorithms.
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"@ -- W. C. Fields
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person@reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,@nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
Higgeldy Piggeldy,@Hamlet of Elsinore@Ruffled the critics by@Dropping this bomb:@"Phooey on Freud and his@Psychoanalysis --@Oedipus, Shmoedipus,@I just love Mom."
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hire the morally handicapped.
"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had@money, he went to Southern California."
"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"@ -- Foghorn Leghorn
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
History is curious stuff@ You'd think by now we had enough@Yet the fact remains I fear@ They make more of it every year.
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from@what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long@view.@ -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
Hlade's Law:@ If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they@ will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:@ Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get@ out.
Hofstadter's Law:@ It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take@ Hofstadter's Law into account.
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.@ -- Rex Reed
Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:@The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.@ -- Chris Shaw
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.@ -- F. M. Hubbard
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horngren's Observation:@ Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on@people.@ -- W. C. Fields
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed."@ -- Neil Armstrong
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?@ -- Elliot, "E.T."
How doth the VAX's C compiler@Improve its object code.@And even as we speak does it@Increase the system load.@ @How patiently it seems to run@And spit out error flags,@While users, with frustration, all@Tear their clothes to rags.
How doth the VAX's C-compiler@Improve its object code.@And even as we speak does it@Increase the system load.@ @How patiently it seems to run@And spit out error flags,@While users, with frustration, all@Tear all their clothes to rags.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're@on.
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to@Dayton?@ -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
Howe's Law:@ Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional@manner ... sulking and nausea.@ -- Tom K. Ryan
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."@ -- William Gilbert
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:@ The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional@ to ..... to ........ uh ..............
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"@ -- Paul McCracken
"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."@ -- Gloria Steinem
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.@ -- Dennis Ritchie
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."@ -- English Professor
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the@great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."@ -- Winston Churchill
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone@has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."@ --English Professor, Ohio University
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast@with an option to buy.
"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."@ -- G. K. Chesterton
"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."@ -- Will Rogers
"I bet the human brain is a kludge."@ -- Marvin Minsky
I brake for chezlogs!
I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.@ -- Biff Barf
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and@25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be@true."@ -- Harry Truman
"I can resist anything but temptation."
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."@ -- Joe Walsh
"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."@ -- Florence Henderson
I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can@understand it.@ -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a@novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.@ -- Fred Allen
"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."@ -- Lillian Hellman
I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather@dance with the cows till you come home.@ -- Groucho Marx
"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps@the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."@ -- Peter Oakley
"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The@curtain was up.
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."@ -- Isaac Asimov
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us@with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."@ -- Galileo Galilei
"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."@ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians@don't believe in astrology."@ -- James R. F. Quirk
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just@a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more@numbers!!
I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of@a frog jumping on my Breakfast.@ -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the@nominating"@ -- Boss Tweed
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."@ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of@people waiting to abuse me."@ --Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.@ -- Elvis Presley
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."@ -- Elvis Presley
"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd@eat it, and I just hate it."@ -- Clarence Darrow
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."@ -- Ronald Mabbitt
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the@streets and frighten the horses.@ -- Victor Hugo
"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
"I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other@hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
I doubt, therefore I might be.
"I drink to make other people interesting."@ -- George Jean Nathan
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,@so I woke up from sheer boredom.
"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *horrifying* 20@minutes of my life!
'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."@ -- Mae West
I get up each morning, gather my wits.@ Pick up the paper, read the obits.@If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.@ So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler@Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"@ -- Mary Lou Bax
"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means@it's going to be up all night."@ -- Steven Wright
"I hate quotations."@ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have a simple philosophy:@ @ Fill what's empty.@ Empty what's full.@ Scratch where it itches.@ -- A. R. Longworth
"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it@any time!"
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,@which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."@ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth@and they never believe me.@ -- Camillo Di Cavour
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.@ -- Edgar Allan Poe
I have learned@To spell hors d'oeuvres@Which still grates on@Some people's n'oeuvres.@ -- Warren Knox
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming@that I have never made one."@ -- James Gordon Bennett
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to@make it shorter."@ -- Blaise Pascal
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole@BODY!@ -- from "Cerebus" #82
"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."@ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."@ -- Oscar Wilde
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."@ -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking@his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell@beating up a child."@ -- Steven Wright
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked@at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.@ -- Poul Anderson
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."@ -- Bill Hoest
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World@War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."@ -- Albert Einstein
"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!@The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."@ -- Charles Schulz
"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."@ -- Art Leo
"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
"I love to eat them Smurfies@ Smurfies what I love to eat@ Bite they ugly heads off,@ Nibble on they bluish feet."
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."@ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a@week sometimes to make it up."@ -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do@was to go away."
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.@ -- G. B. Shaw
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"@ -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral@slob."@ -- William F. Buckley
I really hate this damned machine@I wish that they would sell it.@It never does quite what I want@But only what I tell it.
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope@they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.@ -- Will Rogers
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,@I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.@Bernoulli would have been content to die@Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(phi)!@ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."@ -- Graffito in Los Angeles
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full@house and four people died."@ -- Steven Wright
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to@see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."@ -- Shirley Temple
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
I think that I shall never see@A billboard lovely as a tree.@Perhaps, unless the billboards fall@I'll never see a tree at all.@ -- Ogden Nash
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."@"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a@pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"@ -- Winston Churchill
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in@twenty minutes. It's about Russia.@ -- Woody Allen
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere@near the place.@ -- Steven Wright
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.@Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE@HAW"!!'"@ -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know@anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is@a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows@up.@ -- Will Rogers
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I@didn't know."@ -- Mark Twain
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending@their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to@buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.@ -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in@the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't@included."@ -- Steven Wright
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the@statues that are in all the other museums."@ -- Steven Wright
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that@it took seven others to beat him!
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.@There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."@ -- Gallagher
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've@always worked for me."@ -- Hunter S. Thompson
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got@to undo it."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I@snore."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in@`Y.'"
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my@blender."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my@garage door."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from@Julian to Gregorian."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for@static cling."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my@cottage cheese sculpture."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma@transplant."
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never@came back."
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say@tuned."
"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that@need worrying about."
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,@carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,@I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."@ -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd@listen to it!@ -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,@Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;@And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove@And in our bound partition never part.@ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.@That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."@ -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from@man."
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my@sister."
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to@die in."@ -- George McGovern
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.@ -- Fred Allen
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!@ -- Spider Robinson
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a@KOSHER DELI!!
"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"@ -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be@living apart.@ -- e. e. cummings
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.@It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday@life."
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is@-- I could be just as proud for half the money.@ -- Arthur Godfrey
I'm rated PG-34!!
"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again REAL@soon ..."
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it@(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."@ -- English Professor, Providence College
"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's@lives"
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was@this little hole in the bottom ...@ -- John Croll
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.@ -- Groucho Marx
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes@on the same day.
"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"@ -- Senator Claghorn
I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;@And from that full meridian of my glory@I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,@Like a bright exhalation in the evening@And no man see me more.@ -- Shakespeare
IBM had a PL/I,@ Its syntax worse than JOSS;@And everywhere this language went,@ It was a total loss.
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box@of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
Idiot Box, n.:@ The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the@ stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Idiot, n.:@ A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human@ affairs has always been dominant and controlling.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape@at about 30 miles/second.@ -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.@ -- Roy Santoro
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."@ -- Paul White
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus@forecast is a camel's behind.@ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + X is work. Y@is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.@ -- Albert Einstein
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1@passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.@ -- T. Cheatham
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four@hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where@it votes guilty.@ -- Joseph C. Goulden
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake@him up.
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If all be true that I do think,@There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;@Good friends, good wine, or being dry,@Or lest we should be by-and-by,@Or any other reason why.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular@error.@ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot@platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave@that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.@ -- Paul Beatty
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a@conclusion.@ -- William Baumol
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four@tellers?
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit@Ears.
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their@Heads.
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with@green, baggy skin.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to@invent it.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger@hands.
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."@ -- Yiddish saying
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?@ -- Marvin Kitman
"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be@replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!@ -- Samuel Goldwyn
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the@plantation and go home.@ -- Eugene P. Gallagher
If I had any humility I would be perfect.@ -- Ted Turner
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."@ -- Albert Einstein
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow@As Dame Fortune did intend,@Murphy would be there to tell me@The pot's at the other end.@ -- Bert Whitney
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.@They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun@of it.@ -- Thomas Carlyle
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.@ -- Tom Robbins
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women@you've got in the house.@ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by@the page number.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."@ -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.@ -- A. Einstein.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit@in my name at a Swiss bank.@ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without@having to accomplish anything.
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,@he should see how bad it is with representation.
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied@harder.@ -- Pope John Paul I
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.@ -- Norm Schryer
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for@me!"@ -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances@are 50-50 it will.
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that@will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?@ -- Art Hoppe
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make@something out of you.@ -- Muhammad Ali
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was@yesterday?
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is@doing the thinking.@ -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.@ -- Laurence J. Peter
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel@in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary@qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.@ -- Marguerite Emmons
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?@ -- Ann Edwards-Duff
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."@ -- J. Paul Getty
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
If you can read this, you're too close.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a@call.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.@ -- Harry S Truman
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.@ -- Clarence Day
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to@either of you for the rest of the day.
"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to@have to get a toehold in the public eye."
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody@will.
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it@will always do it.@ -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is@make the rubble bounce"@ -- Winston Churchill
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to@boot yourself in the posterior.@ -- A. J. Liebling
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.@ -- Graham Summer
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few@people die past the age of a hundred.@ -- George Burns
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you@really make them think they'll hate you.
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.@ -- Maslow
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure@can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly@develop.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite@you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.@ -- Mark Twain
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,@you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get@ice, but no cup.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But@this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is@somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,@It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.@ Or some joker who is slicker,@ Will trick you of your liquor,@If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.@ -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens@tomorrow!
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car@payments.@ -- Earl Wilson
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.@ -- Arthur Kasspe
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest@shopping center in the world?@ -- Richard M. Nixon
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest@shopping center in the world?@ -- Richard Nixon
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them@end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.@ -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."@ -- A. L.
If you want divine justice, die.@ -- Nick Seldon
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every@word you say, talk in your sleep.
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some@memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,@even if they don't know what it means."@ -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for@tomorrow morning, sleep late.@ -- Henny Youngman
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.@ -- Benjamin Disraeli
If you're right 9
f the time, why quibble about the remaining
"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round@it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the@universe?"
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.@ -- Ronald Reagan
Ignisecond, n.:@ The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car@ door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux@ Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,@Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,@ Et le momerade horgrave.@ -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
Iles's Law:@ There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly@at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.@Neither will Iles.
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the@land He's trying to ignore.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.@ -- Jules de Gaultier
"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the@usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody@thinks of complaining."@ -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.@ -- Jack Paar
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.@ -- Edgar A. Shoaff
Impartial, adj.:@ Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from@ espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of@ two conflicting opinions.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the@mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the@Boss is reading it.
Impossible, adj.:@ (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;@(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning 3 may@perhaps be valid but the others are 10
haledreck.@ -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of@stairs.
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled@waffles.
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't@get parts.
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The@creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred@syrup.
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only@we can't control when the five year period will begin.
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"@Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.@ -- Frank Mankiewicz
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,@"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."@ -- Mark Twain
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground@with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call@this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one@of the risks he takes.@ -- Adlai Stevenson
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own@incompetency@ -- The Peter Principle
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)@are to be treated as variables.
"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of@nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."@ -- Stuart Keate
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own@at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools@will be temporarily canceled.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and@make it better.
In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride@in any motor vehicle.
"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."@ -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door@neighbor.
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our@programming languages.
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on@the sidewalks when a concert is on.
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your@pocket.
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless@there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red@flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as@to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the@speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the@universe."@ -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,@intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from@the cares of office.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying@of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public@view."
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space@Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.@Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,@We shall encounter, counting, face to face.@ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that@is over six feet in length.
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.@ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a@moving automobile.
In the beginning was the word.@But by the time the second word was added to it,@there was trouble.@For with it came syntax ...@ -- John Simon
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in@the proper order then why can't he?
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful@Dead.@ -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.@ -- Alan Perlis
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to@drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at@discotheques.@ -- Art Linkletter
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take@my advice.@ -- Winston Churchill
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without@the supervision of a licensed engineer.
Incumbent, n.:@ Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves@smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is@not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.@ -- Stephen Crane
Individualists unite!
Infancy, n.:@ The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven@lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon@afterward.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
Information Center, n.:@ A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is@ to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
Ingrate, n.:@ A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of@ indigestion.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.@ -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Ink, n.:@ A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and@ water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and@ promote intellectual crime.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Innovation is hard to schedule.@ -- Dan Fylstra
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the@salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
Iron Law of Distribution:@ Them that has, gets.
"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"@ -- Douglas Hofstadter
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is@meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a@soap bubble?
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the@beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get@out, and such as are out wish to get in?@ -- Ralph Emerson
Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction@listen to weather forecasts and economists?@ -- Kelvin Throop III
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune@tellers take economists seriously?
Issawi's Laws of Progress:@ @ The Course of Progress:@ Most things get steadily worse.@ @ The Path of Progress:@ A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself@that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *only* by amusing oneself that@one can learn."@ -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have@been searching for evidence which could support this.@ -- Bertrand Russell
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to@program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in@organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be@self-critical?@ -- Alan Perlis
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of@Urbana, Illinois.
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a@pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the@sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.@ -- Voltaire
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be@coming up it.@ -- Henry Allen
It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?@One in a million, perhaps.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three@benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never@to use either.@ -- Mark Twain
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both@incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by@twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.@ -- Rod Serling
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is@lightly greased."@ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice@versa.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct@one.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because@if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of@people.@ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood@Boulevard at one time.
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry@a tune.@ -- Woody Allen
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so@ingenious.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not@desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.@ -- Woody Allen
It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our@offense consists in doubting it.@ -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the@problem.
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be@privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to@corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.@ -- George Bernard Shaw
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.@ -- Gore Vidal
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one@damn thing over and over.@ -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?@ -- Elizabeth Carpenter
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a@pit.
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that@virginity could be a virtue.@ -- Voltaire
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their@dignity.
It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared@to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.@ -- Havelock Ellis
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to@students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential@programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of@regeneration.@ -- Dijkstra
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the@lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as@high as the eagle?
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad@crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed@until the other has gone.
It is the business of little minds to shrink.@ -- Carl Sandburg
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.@ -- Hawkwind
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for@five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But@it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the@future.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too@good either if you speak when your head is empty.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a@warning to others.
"It runs like x, where x is something unsavory"@ -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the@flag.
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,@but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."@ -- Robert Benchly
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set@foot."
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a@breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was@broken ...@ -- James Dent
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like@the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on@the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human@nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant@examples.@ -- Charles Dickens
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing@warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or@two things still safe to eat.@ -- Robert Fuoss
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.@ -- Andrew Jackson
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone@underwear."
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."@ -- Steven Wright
"It's a summons."@"What's a summons?"@"It means summon's in trouble."@ -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.@ -- Churchy La Femme
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."@ -- Andrew W. Mathis
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.@ -- Marty Winch
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for@being right.
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an@hour!"@ -- Macy's
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."@ -- Walt Disney
"It's Like This"@ @Even the samurai@have teddy bears,@and even the teddy bears@get drunk.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong@direction.
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.@ -- Sam Goldwyn
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.@ -- Phil White
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."@ -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.@ -- Alexander Korda
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off@the ground.@ -- Daniel B. Luten
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it@happens.@ -- Woody Allen
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.@ -- Garfield
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that@English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many@other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.@ -- Sydney J. Harris
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the@Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which@raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody@not to.@ -- Franklin P. Jones
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:@ No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the@ legislature is in session.
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total@indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.@ -- Tom Stoppard
Jenkinson's Law:@ It won't work.
Jesus Saves,@Moses Invests,@But only Buddha pays Dividends.
Job Placement, n.:@ Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
Johnson's First Law:@ When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the@ most inconvenient possible time.
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called@"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do@anything loses.
Join the march to save individuality!
Jone's Law:@ The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone@ to blame it on.
Jone's Motto:@ Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac@(and nobody cares about it).@ -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has@changed.@ -- Irene Peter
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he@knows what it is.
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you@get a prompt, type like hell.
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't@immune to bullets"@ -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to@twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a@faster rat!!!
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!@ -- Michael J. Wagner
Justice is incidental to law and order.@ -- J. Edgar Hoover
Justice, n.:@ A decision in your favor.
K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;@ Cobol's wordy and confining;@ KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;@ Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.@ -- The Roguelet's ABC
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to@wear tail lights.
Katz' Law:@ Man and nations will act rationally when all other@ possibilities have been exhausted.
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Keep you Eye on the Ball,@Your Shoulder to the Wheel,@Your Nose to the Grindstone,@Your Feet on the Ground,@Your Head on your Shoulders.@Now ... try to get something DONE!
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:@ Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,@ and parking for the faculty.
Kin, n.:@ An affliction of the blood
Kinkler's First Law:@ Responsibility always exceeds authority.@ @Kinkler's Second Law:@ All the easy problems have been solved.
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through@any of its streets.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
Kleptomaniac, n.:@ A rich thief.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.@ -- Henry N. Camp
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):@ The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Labor, n.:@ One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Lackland's Laws:@ (1) Never be first.@ (2) Never be last.@ (3) Never volunteer for anything
Lactomangulation, n.:@ Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly@ that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Meskimen's Law:@ There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to@ do it over.
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Micro Credo:@ Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been@watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you@out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"@Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO@ inconsiderate."@ -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
Miksch's Law:@ If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.@ -- Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.@ -- Groucho Marx
Millihelen, adj:@ The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with@themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.@ -- Susan Ertz
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap@pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.@ -- Russell Baker
Misfortune, n.:@ The kind of fortune that never misses.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Miss, n.:@ A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that@ they are in the market.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:@ Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are@ held to discuss it.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked@him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just@last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew@better.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:@ If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented@ it wasn't worth doing.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Monday, n.:@ In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
Money is the root of all wealth.
Moon, n.:@ 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to@hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
Mophobia, n.:@ Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One@path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total@extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.@ -- Woody Allen
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:@ Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd@ be out of a job.
Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently@than they do.@ -- Turgenev
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.@ -- Frank Zappa
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.@ -- Arnold Bennett
Mother is the invention of necessity.
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
Mr. Cole's Axiom:@ The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the@ population is growing.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't@work.
Murphy's Law of Research:@ Enough research will tend to support your theory.
"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."@ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
Mustgo, n.:@ Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so@ long it has become a science project.@ -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on@it."@ -- "Grendel", by John Gardner
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless@there are three other people."@ -- Orson Welles
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been@one.@ -- Groucho Marx
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling@Alley!!
"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling@Alley!!"@ -- Zippy the Pinhead
My pen is at the bottom of a page,@Which, being finished, here the story ends;@'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,@But stories somehow lengthen when begun.@ -- Byron
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not@signed.@ -- Christopher Morley
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
Naeser's Law:@ You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it@ damnfoolproof.
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he@ says is wrong.@GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says@ will be right.@ -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant@said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next@time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone@might steal it."
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to@serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk@into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"@"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful@than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the@light more."
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,@God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.@ @It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!@Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it@cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.@ -- Fran Leibowitz
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's@character, give him power.@ -- Abraham Lincoln
Necessity is a mother.
Neckties strangle clear thinking.@ -- Lin Yutang
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
Never eat more than you can lift.@ -- Miss Piggy
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.@ -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to@make it complex and wonderful.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with@substance.@ -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a@law against it by that time.
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.@ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.@ -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's@supposed to do.@ -- R. A. Heinlein
New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in@any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of@Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.@ -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
New systems generate new problems.
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and@his wife most often reminds him to act it.@ -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
New York's got the ways and means;@Just won't let you be.@ -- The Grateful Dead
Newlan's Truism:@ An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government@ economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
NEWS FLASH!!@ Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West@ German pole-vault champion.
*** NEWSFLASH ***@Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:@ A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't@have a lucky day this year.
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying@as an income tax refund.@ -- F. J. Raymond
"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."@ -- Foghorn Leghorn
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name@correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into@(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but@Americans call him by value.
Nine megs for the secretaries fair,@Seven megs for the hackers scarce,@Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,@Three megs for system source;@ @One disk to rule them all,@One disk to bind them,@One disk to hold the files@And in the darkness grind 'em.
"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they@would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect@that much."@ -- Augustine
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:@ The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of@ the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety@ percent.
"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends@hang out.@ -- Zonker Harris
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless@absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.@ -- Fran Lebowitz
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a@camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform@effectively under such difficult conditions.@ -- Laurence J. Peter
No good deed goes unpunished.@ -- Clare Boothe Luce
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after@eating one peanut.@ -- Channing Pollock
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will@seriously cramp his style.
No matter what other nations may say about the United States,@immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.@ -- Eleanor Roosevelt
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval@system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of@the author.@ -- Chris Shaw
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of@paper."@ -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was@ taken over by Rupert Murdoch
"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"@ -- Dr. Who
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
The very first time@The four lines above@Have been put into rhyme.@ -- Walt Kelly
Laetrile is the pits
Langsam's Laws:@ (1) Everything depends.@ (2) Nothing is always.@ (3) Everything is sometimes.
Larkinson's Law:@ All laws are basically false.
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police@record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense@of humor."
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."@ -- Victor Borge
Law of Communications:@ The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications@ between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased@ area of misunderstanding.
Law of Probable Dispersal:@ Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly@ distributed.
Law of Selective Gravity:@ An object will fall so as to do the most damage.@ @Jenning's Corollary:@ The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is@ directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Law of the Perversity of Nature:@ You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the@ bread to butter.
Laws of Serendipity:@ @ (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for@ something.@ (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already@ be engaged in making an inferior one.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:@ No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --@ approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and@everything else follows in the same way.@ -- Alan J. Perlis
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the@fun?
Leibowitz's Rule:@ When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you@ hold the hammer with both hands.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)@ You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are@ pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike@ honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people@ are thieves.
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a@number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash@and another number."@ -- James Estes
Let us live!!!@Let us love!!!@Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!@ @You first.
Lewis's Law of Travel:@ The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to@ anyone, ever.
Liar, n.:@ A lawyer with a roving commission.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.@ -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)@ Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your@ desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and@ polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
Lie, n.:@ A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one@ discovered to date.
Lieberman's Law:@ Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to@eat it nevertheless."@ -- Flaubert
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
Life is like a simile.
Life is like an analogy
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find@there is nothing in it.
"Life is too important to take seriously."@ -- Corky Siegel
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of@which I disapprove."
"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"@ -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it@weren't for other people"@ -- Blore
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made@sense from things she found in gift shops.@ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking@for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.@ -- Alan McKay
Limericks are art forms complex,@Their topics run chiefly to sex.@ They usually have virgins,@ And masculine urgin's,@And other erotic effects.
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe@ we should think only about today.@Charlie Brown:@ No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get@ better.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip@around the Sun.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted@before.
Lizzie Borden took an axe,@And plunged it deep into the VAX;@Don't you envy people who@Do all the things YOU want to do?
Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these@interest rates, we don't need it."
Lockwood's Long Shot:@ The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't@ one in a million, but once would be enough.
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *awful*.
Logicians have but ill defined@As rational the human kind.@Logic, they say, belongs to man,@But let them prove it if they can.@ -- Oliver Goldsmith
Look out! Behind you!
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us@to pay income taxes, too?@ -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
Loose bits sink chips.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,@BOOGA!"
Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the@world has ever seen.
Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.@ -- Sigmund Freud
Love is sentimental measles.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.@ -- H. L. Mencken
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.@ -- Louise Beal
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up@to.
Lowery's Law:@ If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing@ anyway.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:@ There's always one more bug.
Lunatic Asylum, n.:@ The place where optimism most flourishes.
Lysistrata had a good idea.
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into@the smallest amount of thoughts."@ -- Winston Churchill
Machine-Independent, adj.:@ Does not run on any existing machine.
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,@and play games -- but not with pleasure.@ -- Leo Rosten
Mad, adj.:@ Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them@first for seven hours, they always come out tender.@ -- W. C. Fields
Magnocartic, adj.:@ Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping@ carts.@ -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Magpie, n.:@ A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it@ might be taught to talk.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Maier's Law:@ If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed@ of.@ @Corollaries:@ (1) The bigger the theory, the better.@ (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than@ 5
f the observed measurements must be discarded to@ obtain a correspondence with the theory.
Main's Law:@ For every action there is an equal and opposite government@ program.
Maintainer's Motto:@ If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Majority, n.:@ That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Malek's Law:@ Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good@ joke is.@ @Man 2: OK, what is the most impo---@ @Man 1: TIMING!
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."@ -- Lily Tomlin
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called@upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.@ -- Oscar Wilde
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the@only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.@ -- Wernher von Braun
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.@ -- Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the@victims he intends to eat until he eats them.@ -- Samuel Butler
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the@victims he intends to eat until he eats them.@ -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it@is an enemy.@ -- Albert Einstein
Manual, n.:@ A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a@ given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The@ information you need in in the others.@ -- Ray Simard
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:@ Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a@ simple yes or no answer.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.@ -- Voltaire
Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on@the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam@dancing.@ -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.@ -- Malcolm Smith
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.@ -- R. Drabek
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they@translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something@entirely different.@ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is@described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can@play.@ -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by@ James Blish
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a@receipt.
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.@ -- Jules Feiffer
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a@Thousand Caramels.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.@ -- R. S. Barton
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge@it.
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city@nativity scene removed:@ "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men@ and a virgin in the whole organization."
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:@ If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not@ $19.95.
Meader's Law:@ Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to@ everyone you know, only more so.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Meeting, n.:@ An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or@ department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:@ The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:@ The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the@ cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:@ All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:@ Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that@ is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city@ can never hope to acquire it.
Menu, n.:@ A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the@substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young@and rob the old.@ -- Lewis Lapham
Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with@constructive praise.
Noncombatant, n.:@ A dead Quaker.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."@ -- Shakespeare
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper@is from the wrong kind of tree."@ --Professor W.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...@ @To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the@light comes on.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.@ -- Andrew Young
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires@tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.@ -- Nero Wolfe
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.@Conscience makes egotists of us all.@ -- Oscar Wilde
Nothing recedes like success.@ -- Walter Winchell
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited@love.@ -- Charlie Brown
November, n.:@ The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
Now I lay me down to sleep@I pray the double lock will keep;@May no brick through the window break,@And, no one rob me till I awake.
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."@ -- Walt Kelly
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."@ -- Ted Turner
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.@ -- Edwin Meese III
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're@guessing.
O give me a home,@Where the buffalo roam,@Where the deer and the antelope play,@Where seldom is heard@A discouraging word,@'Cause what can an antelope say?
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:@ Murphy was an optimist.
"Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a@fake?"
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the@reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest@amount of hot air.@ -- Thomas L. Martin
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.@ -- Plato
Of all the words of witch's doom@There's none so bad as which and whom.@The man who kills both which and whom@Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.@ -- Fletcher Knebel
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Of what you see in books, believe 7
Of newspapers, believe 5
And of TV news, believe 2
- make that
f the anchorman wears a@blazer.
Office Automation, n.:@ The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone@you would want to talk with over coffee.
Ogden's Law:@ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch@ up.
Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
Oh don't the days seem lank and long@ When all goes right and none goes wrong,@And isn't your life extremely flat@ With nothing whatever to grumble at!
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay@ I muck with indices and structs all day@And when it works, I shout hoo-ray@ Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd@be irresponsible, too.@ -- Lichty & Wagner
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."@ -- Dr. Joy
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.@ -- Trotsky
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Oliver's Law:@ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need@ it.
Omnibiblious, adj.:@ Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything.@ I'm omnibiblious."
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O@and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O as if@it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S@the WASHING MACHINES?
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:@ @"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."@ -- Wolfgang Pauli
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only@nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter@what it does.@ -- Will Rogers
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are@created jerks.@ -- Avery
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are@created jerks.@ -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a@POINT ...
On-line, adj.:@ The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a@ computer.
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were@forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.@ -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,@Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".@Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your@principals or your mistress".
Once, adv.:@ Enough.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least@somebody's listening.@ -- Franklin P. Jones
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing@how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.@ -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet@when well oiled.
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they@never have to stop and answer the phone.
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.@ -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
One learns to itch where one can scratch.@ -- Ernest Bramah
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How@will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,@I'll tell you."
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to@do and always a clever thing to say.@ -- Will Durant
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God@create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy@retail."@ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
One of the Ten Commandments for Technicians@ (7) Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy@ fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and@ console her in other ways.
One of the Ten Commandments for Technicians:@ (1) Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged@ capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks@ in a most untechnician-like manner.
One Page Principle:@ A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch@ paper cannot be understood.@ -- Mark Ardis
"One planet is all you get."
One reason why George Washington@Is held in such veneration:@He never blamed his problems@On the former Administration.@ -- George O. Ludcke
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh@paint.
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a@new model.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned@at the stake while the votes were being counted.@ -- Thomas B. Reed
One-Shot Case Study, n.:@ The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which@it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes@green.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Only God can make random selections.
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to@use the editorial "we."
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Oregano, n.:@ The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
Oregon, n.:@ Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday@ night.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry@is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.@ -- Mike Adams
Osborn's Law:@ Variables won't; constants aren't.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your@nails.
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is@they charge fifteen cents for them.
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.@ Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,@ In kernel as it is in user!
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.@ -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."@ -- Alex Schure
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.@ -- General Omar N. Bradley
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,@it's too dark to read."@ -- Groucho Marx
Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now@I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
Painting, n.:@ The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and@ exposing them to the critic.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much@better.@ -- Laurie Anderson
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to@criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.@ -- D. J. Hicks
Pardo's First Postulate:@ Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or@ fattening.@ @Arnold's Addendum:@ Everything else causes cancer in rats.
Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
Parker's Law:@ Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Parkinson's Fifth Law:@ If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good@ bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Fourth Law:@ The number of people in any working group tends to increase@ regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parsley@ is gharsley.@ -- Ogden Nash
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
"Pascal is not a high-level language."@ -- Steven Feiner
Pascal Users:@ To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the@ death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half@ speed.
Pascal, n.:@ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in@ his grave if he knew about it.
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.@ -- Eric Hoffer
Patageometry, n.:@ The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant@under brain transplants.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
Paul's Law:@ In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you@ save.
Paul's Law:@ You can't fall off the floor.
Peace, n.:@ In international affairs, a period of cheating between two@ periods of fighting.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Pecor's Health-Food Principle:@ Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in@ it.
Pedaeration, n.:@ The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the@sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Penguin Trivia #46:@ Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.@ -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of@the future.
"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."@ -- Ken Kesey
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better@press than people who are just funny and smart.@ -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never@slept in a room with a single mosquito.
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who@haven't what they want that they don't want it.@ -- Ogden Nash
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that@Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they@did yesterday.
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.@"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."@ -- Aelius Donatus
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but@when there is no longer anything to take away.@ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
Peter's Law of Substitution:@ Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after@ themselves.
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to@exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.@ -- John Keats
Pick another fortune cookie.
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.@ -- Don Marquis
PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the@solution set.@ -- E. W. Dijkstra
"Plaese porrf raed."@ -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill@them.
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic@table.@ -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
Please ignore previous fortune.
Please take note:
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"@until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched@out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,@and such.@ -- N. Meyrowitz
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
Pohl's law:@ Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell@all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
Politician, n.:@ From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or@ "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).@ Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.@ -- Martin Pitt
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even@where there is no river.@ -- Nikita Khrushchev
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough@to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Portable, adj.:@ Survives system reboot.
Positive, adj.:@ Mistaken at the top of one's voice.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat"@ -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
Power, n:@ The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little@more time for dreaming.@ -- J. P. McEvoy
Predestination was doomed from the start.
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and@forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 5
f the@vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.@ -- The Washington Post
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:@ It's on the other side.
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves@to see him work.@ -- Winston Churchill
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Probable-Possible, my black hen,@She lays eggs in the Relative When.@She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now@Because she's unable to postulate how.@ -- Frederick Winsor
"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller@than the both put together."
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check@three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!@ -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
Putt's Law:@ Technology is dominated by two types of people:@ Those who understand what they do not manage.@ Those who manage what they do not understand.
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?@A: One per person.
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?@A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?@A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb@ in San Francisco?@A: Both of them.
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?@A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?@A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?@A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,@ Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 1
f@ the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 2
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences@ of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?@A: One and a half.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?@A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem@ to the earlier joke.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?@A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those@ Californians trying to share the experience.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?@A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub@ with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?@A: None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out@ of the way.
Q: What's a light-year?@A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?@A: Because it was on the other side.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?@A: To stamp out forest fires.@ @Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?@A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?@A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Quality Control, n.:@ The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off@ a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100@ works.
Question:@Man Invented Alcohol,@God Invented Grass.@Who do you trust?
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.@ @(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
Quigley's Law:@ Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will@ atttempt to use it.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:@ @ `@
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Ray's Rule of Precision:@ Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Razors pain you;@Rivers are damp;@Acids stain you;@And drugs cause cramp.@Guns aren't lawful;@Nooses give;@Gas smells awful;@You might as well live.@ -- Dorothy Parker
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're@alive.@ -- John Sloan
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.@ -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the@vices I admire.@ -- Winston Churchill
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):@ That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,@ or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you@ should have gotten.
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes@to work.
Slurm, n.:@ The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when@ it sits in the dish too long.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.@ -- Fletcher Knebel
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.@ -- Fletcher Knebel
Snacktrek, n.:@ The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly@ returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will@ have materialized.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in@praise of intelligence.@ -- Bertrand Russell
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever@remember his Bible?
Sodd's Second Law:@ Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is@ bound to occur.
Software, n.:@ Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.@ -- Ed Howe
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some@people have mediocrity thrust upon them.@ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only@one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit@them on the head.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when@you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even@worse.@ -- Avery
Some primal termite knocked on wood.@And tasted it, and found it good.@And that is why your Cousin May@Fell through the parlor floor today.@ -- Ogden Nash
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand@progress.
Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand@progress.@ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the@pens will multiply instead of disappear.
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm@the only ashtray."
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.@ -- Lily Tomlin
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
Song Title of the Week:@ "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change@ in me."
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already@paid may disregard this fortune).
Sorry, no fortune this time.
Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-@bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the@road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.@ -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"Spare no expense to save money on this one."@ -- Samuel Goldwyn
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:@ If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as@ if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the@ question back at him.
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.@ -- Dave Millman
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:@ The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the@ number of times you have looked at it.
Spelling is a lossed art.
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
Spirtle, n.:@ The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in@ your eye.@ -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Spouse, n.:@ Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you@ wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:@ Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have@ another drink.
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming@ Never test for an error condition you don't know how to@ handle.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only@take a bath ...
Stult's Report:@ Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is@ fight the solutions.
Stupid, n.:@ Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Sturgeon's Law:@ 9
f everything is crud.
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your@editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.@ -- Mark Twain
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way@before it is understood.
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar@without his duck ...
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
Support your local police force -- steal!!
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type@in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving@the room is punishable under law:@ @Name #
Swahili, n.:@ The language used by the National Enquirer to print their@retractions.@ -- Johnny Hart
Sweater, n.:@ A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
Swipple's Rule of Order:@ He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.@ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
System/3! System/3!@See how it runs! See how it runs!@ Its monitor loses so totally!@ It runs all its programs in RPG!@ It's made by our favorite monopoly!@System/3!
Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad@infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.@ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
T: One big monster, he called TROLL.@ He don't rock, and he don't roll;@ Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.@ He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.@ -- The Roguelet's ABC
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a@hole in his head.
Tact, n.:@ The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting@enough cheese@ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it@needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.@ -- Kipling
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to@your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,@and they'll call you crazy.@ -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.@ -- Euripides
Talkers are no good doers.@ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.@ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)@ You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged@ determination and work like hell. Most people think you are@ stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind@the tree."@ -- Russell Long
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself@out of the market.
Taxes, n.:@ Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get@ an extension.
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he@grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means@for going backwards.@ -- Aldous Huxley
Telephone, n.:@ An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the@advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,@Is those things arms, or is they legs?@I marvel at thee, Octopus;@If I were thou, I'd call me us.@ -- Ogden Nash
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop@writing.@ -- R. Geis
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even@one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."@ -- J. Finnegan, USC.
"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"@ -- Foghorn Leghorn
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.@ -- Dorothy Parker
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by@people who want some.@ -- Dwight MacDonald
The Abrams' Principle:@ The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper@ -- Thomas Jefferson
The Advertising Agency Song:@ @ When your client's hopping mad,@ Put his picture in the ad.@ If he still should prove refractory,@ Add a picture of his factory.
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas@River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little@Rock.
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.@Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed@and color, but also on ability.@ -- T. Lehrer
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.@ -- Bill Murray
The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use@in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the@Declaration not for that, but for future use.@ -- Abraham Lincoln
Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe@the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described@with pictures.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of@Congress. But I repeat myself.@ -- Mark Twain
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware@has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing@machines are so poor at I/O.
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are@so long they can't afford the disk space.
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write@in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker@with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they@hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for@applications.)
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run@on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo@sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured@programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-@trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise@clear desks.
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine@doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell@quiche.
Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it@should be hard to understand.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the@illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how@much good it did them.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires@you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers@wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly@spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write@in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress@freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who@wear white socks.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who@can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use@functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.@This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a@computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the@job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like@using an undocumented external procedure.
Real Time, adj.:@ Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there@ and then.
Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never@afraid to break your face.
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts@down the system for days.
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
Real Users know your home telephone number.
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your@program doesn't deliver it.
Real Users never use the Help key.
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.@ -- Alvy Ray Smith
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go@away".@ -- Philip K. Dick
"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than@being flat broke and having a stomach ache.@ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
Reclaimer, spare that tree!@Take not a single bit!@It used to point to me,@Now I'm protecting it.@It was the reader's CONS@That made it, paired by dot;@Now, GC, for the nonce,@Thou shalt reclaim it not.
"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"@Candy@Is dandy@But liquor@Is quicker.@ -- Ogden Nash
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:@ If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.@ -- Anatole France
"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is when he never used@it."@ -- Dave Barry
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be@worse in Cleveland.@ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good@offense!
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Renning's Maxim:@ Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western@ Civilization?@Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Reporter, n.:@ A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a@ tempest of words.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.@ -- Wernher von Braun
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get@another chance later on.
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."@ -- Steven Wright
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention@ Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will@ reject the proposal.
Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.@ -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With@ Pogo"
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.@MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-@ door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
Rudin's Law:@ If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it@ every time.
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:@ Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall@ be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind@ person shall be deemed to be a cat.
Rule of Creative Research:@ (1) Never draw what you can copy.@ (2) Never copy what you can trace.@ (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Rule of Defactualization:@ Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Rule of Feline Frustration:@ When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly@ content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the@ bathroom.
Rule of the Great:@ When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep@ thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Rules for Academic Deans:@ (1) HIDE!!!!@ (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!@ -- Father Damian C. Fandal
Rules:@ (1) The boss is always right.@ (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.@ -- Herb Caen
San Francisco, n.:@ Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.@ -- Mark Harrold
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,@ He must be a communist.@And a beard and long hair,@ Must be a pacifist.@ @ What's in that pipe that he's smoking?@ -- Arlo Guthrie
Satellite Safety Tip #14:@ If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
Sattinger's Law:@ It works better if you plug it in.
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,@ Is like being nowhere at all,@All through the day how the hours rush by,@ You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.@ -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
Sauron is alive in Argentina!
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!@ -- Ken Thompson
Schapiro's Explanation:@ The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's@ because they use more manure.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Schlattwhapper, n.:@ The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,@ hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Schnuffel, n.:@ A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in@ mixed company.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Schwiggle, n.:@ The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a@ pencil.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made@of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts@is not necessarily science.@ -- Henri Poincaire
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)@ You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will@ achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of@ ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Scott's first Law:@ No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the@Presidency.@ -- Richard Nixon
Second Law of Business Meetings:@ If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you@ will pick the wrong one.@ @Corollary:@ If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it@ wrong, anyway.
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:@ Ice Cream cures all ills.
Self Test for Paranoia:@ You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's@ your own fault.
Seminars, n.:@ From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
Senate, n.:@ A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and@misdemeanors.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
Serenity through viciousness.
Serocki's Stricture:@ Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.@ -- Swami X
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.@ -- M. C. Reed.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,@it's one of the best.@ -- Woody Allen
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off@during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.@ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every@ Teen Should Know"
Shaw's Principle:@ Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will@ want to use it.
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."@ -- Gypsy Rose Lee
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.@ -- Mark Twain
She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them@were bad.
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could@have poured on a waffle ...
"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,@you should hear me play piano.'"@ -- Morrisey
She's genuinely bogus.
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have@taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an@excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."@ -- Samuel Johnson
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!@POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is@playing golf with his boss.
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.@ -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
Silverman's Law:@ If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Simon's Law:@ Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Since I hurt my pendulum@My life is all erratic.@My parrot, who was cordial,@Is now transmitting static.@The carpet died, a palm collapsed,@The cat keeps doing poo.@The only thing that keeps me sane@Is talking to my shoe.@ -- My Shoe
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.@ -- Andy Warhol
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new@discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."@ -- Isaac Asimov
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in@1986, 6
f all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."@ -- D. Letterman
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:@ Support your right to bare arms!
The net of law is spread so wide,@No sinner from its sweep may hide.@Its meshes are so fine and strong,@They take in every child of wrong.@O wondrous web of mystery!@Big fish alone escape from thee!@ -- James Jeffrey Roche
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I@hope I don't get run over again.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to@choose from.@ -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the@80-column card.@ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are@correct.@ -- Ralph Hartley
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:@ Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,@ Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of@ Corporate Planning."
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age@brings wisdom.@ -- H. L. Mencken
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader@catch his own breath.@ -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when@to cringe.
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the@`social sciences' is: some do, some don't.@ -- Ernest Rutherford
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop@and take a rest.
"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."@ -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and@ Over and Over"
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber@has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,@finished, and put inside boxes.@ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any@use to oneself.@ -- Oscar Wilde
"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from@history."@ -- Hegel@ @"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the@long view."@ -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.@ -- Oscar Wilde
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up@until 5 or 6 p.m.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.@ -- Bohr
The optimum committee has no members.@ -- Norman Augustine
The optimum committee has no members.@ -- Norman Augustine
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because@it isn't here.@ -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it@were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.@ -- H. L. Mencken
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,@Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.@Let others think his heart is big,@I think it stupid of the Pig.@ -- Ogden Nash
The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.@ -- David Lardner
"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more@often."
The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,@ Were each of them once a kiddie.@A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.@ Do I want one? God Forbiddie!@ -- Ogden Nash
The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday@they might force their beliefs on us.@ -- Mario Cuomo
The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough@voters to win the next election.
The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"@represents the secondary theme:@ @ Law Enforcement Officials@ @The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:@ @ Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from@other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in@charity we can only call "inhuman."@ -- R. A. Lafferty
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the@stupidity of your action.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go@to erase it.@ -- Glaser and Way
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be@pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.@ -- Elizabeth Taylor
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
"The pyramid is opening!"@"Which one?"@"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"@ -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At@ Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:@ "My brain is paged out to my liver"
The rain it raineth on the just@ And also on the unjust fella,@But chiefly on the just, because@ The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is@cursed.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one@persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all@progress depends on the unreasonable man.@ -- George Bernard Shaw
The revolution will not be televised.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.@ -- Emerson
The rhino is a homely beast,@For human eyes he's not a feast.@Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,@I'll stare at something less prepoceros.@ -- Ogden Nash
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This@means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests@and to his imagination for his facts."@ -- Sheridan
The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.@ -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the@House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights@you have and what rights you have not got."@ -- J. Parnell Thomas
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with@sloppy analysis!
The Roman Rule@ The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the@ one who is doing it.
The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or@give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.@ -- Jane Bryant Quinn
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100@showed that all had these things in common:@ @ (1) They all had moderate appetites.@ (2) They all came from middle class homes@ (3) All but two of them were dead.
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.@ -- Noelie Alito
The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:@ The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going@in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long@way.)@ -- Dan Roddick
"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity@and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted@activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...@neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their@money."@ -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
The steady state of disks is full.@ --Ken Thompson
"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and@is an emerging underachiever."
The sum of the Universe is zero.
The sun was shining on the sea,@Shining with all his might:@He did his very best to make@The billows smooth and bright --@And this was very odd, because it was@The middle of the night.@ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
The superfluous is very necessary.@ -- Voltaire
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.@ -- Mark Twain
The Third Law of Photography:@ If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined@ when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of@ the dark leaks out.
The trouble with a kitten is that@When it grows up, it's always a cat@ -- Ogden Nash.
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate@it.@ -- Franklin P. Jones
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing@more important to do.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody@appreciates how difficult it was.
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And@vice versa.
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks@Which practically conceal its sex.@I think it clever of the turtle@In such a fix to be so fertile.@ -- Ogden Nash
"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and@stupidity."
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more@annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.@ -- Oscar Wilde
The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are@"100 percent American"...@ -- U. S. Army (1945)
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to@everybody and still nobody likes him.@ -- Jim Samuels
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be@broken.
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the@combination is locked up in the safe.@ -- Peter DeVries
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be@regarded as a criminal offense.@ -- E. W. Dijkstra
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid@prejudice.@ -- Mark Twain
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity@that would be clearly understood."@ -- Alexander Haig
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start@with a large fortune."
The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,@ Like Jaspar wine and sugar,@It must have blown through someone's feet,@ Like those of Caspar Weinberger.@ -- P. Opus
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world's as ugly as sin,@And almost as delightful@ -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of@four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all@the answers.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the@average man can see better than he can think.
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";@but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.@ -- W. C. Fields
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse@time.@ -- Merrick Furst
"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
The bogosity meter just pegged.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up@in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:@ To determine how long it will take to write and debug a@ program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add@ one, and convert to the next higher units.
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.@Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in@automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.@ -- Art Buchwald
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding@bureaucracy.
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the@flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
The camel has a single hump;@The dromedary two;@Or else the other way around.@I'm never sure. Are you?@ -- Ogden Nash
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up@at the steam fitters' picnic.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions.@ -- Alfred Adler
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will@walk carefully.@ -- Russian Proverb
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live@elsewhere."
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.@ -- Alan Perlis
The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his@memos.@ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going@down.
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to@eat.@ -- John McNulty
The Crown is full of it!@ -- Nate Harris, 1775
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of@us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching@Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell@into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him@out again, it would be a calamity."@ -- Benjamin Disraeli
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science@requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require@scholarship.@ -- Robert Heinlein
The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on@a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man@really clever who has not found that he is stupid.@ -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late@and owns the worm farm.@ -- Travis McGee
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and@add ten percent.
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on@weather forecasters.@ -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not@Compute' -- I forget which."@ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of@civilization.@ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with@symposium to follow.
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach@their children to speak it.@ -- G. B. Shaw
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a@remarkable Christian forbearance among men.@ -- Ambrose Bierce
The fact that it works is immaterial.@ -- L. Ogborn
The Fifth Rule:@ You have taken yourself too seriously.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.@ -- Abbie Hoffman
The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of@management is that success equals skill.@ -- Robert Heller
"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your@hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."@ -- McCloctnik the Lucid
The First Rule of Program Optimization:@ Don't do it.@ @The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):@ Don't do it yet.@ -- Michael Jackson
The first time, it's a KLUDGE!@The second, a trick.@Later, it's a well-established technique!@ -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by@a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and@vinyl."@ -- Dave Barry
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the@number of your kids by 32 teeth.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to@chance.
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled@today.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at@least until we've finished building it.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature@is to build better mice.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him@love and he invented marriage.
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES@ The one who has the gold makes the rules.
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got@to be good.
The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men@of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.@ -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.@ -- Albert Einstein
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom@whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,@nohow.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:@ You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent@thinkers.
The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,@which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at@least 5000 years old."
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for@lists of "Ten Best".@ -- H. Allen Smith
"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and@has gills through which it can see."@ -- Monty Python
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity@-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange@protein -- it rejects it.@ -- P. Medawar
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.@ -- Mark Twain
The idea is to die young as late as possible.@ -- Ashley Montagu
"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."@ -- Franco Spisani
"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit@longer."@ -- Henry Kissinger
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf@has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know@when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.@ -- Will Rogers
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important@point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly@important thing to people.@ -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the@number of participants.@ -- Adam Walinsky
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided@by the number of people in the group.
The Kennedy Constant:@ Don't get mad -- get even.
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a@word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about@drugs.'@ -- Roy Blount, Jr.
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the@poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal@bread.@ -- Anatole France
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP@ @This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of@an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said@to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching@train.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get@much sleep.@ -- Woody Allen
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.@ -- Henry Kissinger
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as@we could with both of them."@ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the@crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no@one has ever been.@ -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that@will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.@ -- Mark Twain.
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a@soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which@when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."@ -- Dave Barry
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the@klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."@ @ "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"@ @ "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to@devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.@ -- Lew Mammel, Jr.
The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.@ -- Laurence J. Peter
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.@ -- Nicol Williamson
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and@robbers there will be.@ -- Lao Tsu
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us@is right.
Time flies like an arrow@Fruit flies like a banana
Time is an Illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.@ -- Ford Prefect
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at@once.
'Tis the dream of each programmer,@Before his life is done,@To write three lines of APL,@And make the damn things run.
To A Quick Young Fox:@Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,@Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?@Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --@Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.@ -- Lazy Dog
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
To be is to do.@ -- I. Kant@To do is to be.@ -- A. Sartre@Yabba-Dabba-Doo!@ -- F. Flinstone
"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore@this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to@offer in response is based on information available to make no such@statement."
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,@call it the target.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
To generalize is to be an idiot.@ -- William Blake
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three@men, two of them absent.
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.@ -- Thomas Edison
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."@ -- Woody Allen
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?@ @And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?@ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word@except in major motion pictures."@ -- Dave Barry, "$#
"
Toilet Toupee, n.:@ Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus@ creating endless annoyance to male users.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Too clever is dumb.@ -- Ogden Nash
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.@ -- Mae West
Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available@briefcases.@ -- Governor Jerry Brown
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live@in eucalyptus trees.
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant@intelligence.@ -- Henrik Tikkanen
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.@ -- Mark Twain
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Truthful, adj.:@ Dumb and illiterate.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.@ -- Charles Schulz
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no@good.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only@specification is that it should run noiselessly.
Trying to establish voice contact ... please yell into keyboard.
Turnaucka's Law:@ The attention span of a computer is only as long as its@ electrical cord.
Tussman's Law:@ Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.@ -- Frank Lloyd Wright
Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.@ -- Walt Kelly
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.@ -- Howard Kandel
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.@I forget the second."
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!@ Run right up and rub its horn.@ Look at all those points you're losing!@ UMBER HULKS are so confusing.@ -- The Roguelet's ABC
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."@ @(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)@ -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"@ @"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,@right?"@ -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:@ Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a@ hammer or get a splinter in it.
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:@ Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a@ hammmer or get a splinter in it.
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a@just man is also a prison.@ -- Henry David Thoreau
Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it@can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:@ Superiority is recessive.
University, n.:@ Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's@ usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you@ how to fix it, and ...
unix soit qui mal y pense
UNIX will be half a billion (500000000) seconds old on@Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).@ -- Andy Tannenbaum
Unnamed Law:@ If it happens, it must be possible.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out@twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.@ -- H. L. Mencken
User n.:@ A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.@ -- S. C. Johnson
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,@opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.@ -- Doug Larson
Vail's Second Axiom:@ The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the@ amount of work already completed.
Van Roy's Law:@ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:@ (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only@ once.@ (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data@ points.
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."@Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes@ waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.@ -- Salvor Hardin
Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the@yard.
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving@from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
Vote anarchist
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and@TAX-DEFERRED!
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."@ -- Mark Twain
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"@1st customer: "I'll have tea."@2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"@ (Waiter exits, returns)@Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.@ -- Charles Edward Montague
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:@ @Firings will continue until morale improves.
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:@ @Firings will continue until morale improves.
WARNING:@ Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your@ mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of@ hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of@ your favorite war.
Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for@those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking@up.@ -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.@ -- John F. Kennedy
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Watson's Law:@ The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the@ number and significance of any persons watching it.
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which@divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being@correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.@ -- Niels Bohr
We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.@ -- Winston Churchill
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.@ -- Whole Earth Catalog
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.@ -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to@socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The@bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say@socialism?@ -- Fidel Castro
"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last@theorem."@ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."@ -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
We can predict everything, except the future.
We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is@deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.@ -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"@ -- Vroomfondel
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a@fish.
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the@hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
We have met the enemy, and he is us.@ -- Walt Kelly
We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back@to normal, and that they already have.
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his@hands for masturbation."@ -- Lily Tomlin
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always@respect their good judgement.
We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass@no matter how self-seeking.@ -- F. G. Withington
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best@friends are trying to kill us.
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one@technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
We wish you a Hare Krishna@We wish you a Hare Krishna@We wish you a Hare Krishna@And a Sun Myung Moon!@ -- Maxwell Smart
"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
We're only in it for the volume.@ -- Black Sabbath
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center@of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,@but for some reason nobody's ever done it.@ -- Andy Rooney
Weiler's Law:@ Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it@ himself.
Weinberg's First Law:@ Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Then here's to the City of Boston,@The town of the cries and the groans.@Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,@And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.@ -- Franklin Pierce Adams
There *is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,@and praiseworthy ...@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own@cats.
There are no games on this system.
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the@truth without lying.
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a@vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.@ -- Gloria Steinem
"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both@plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;@and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,@don't we all?"
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.@ -- Disraeli
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away@from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone@loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I@can't remember.@ -- Italo Svevo
There are three ways to get something done:@ (1) Do it yourself.@ (2) Hire someone to do it for you.@ (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire@someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect@the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the@sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.@ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good@sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.@ -- Woody Allen
"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to@make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the@other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious@deficiencies."@ -- C. A. R. Hoare
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the@other is to read Pope."@ -- Oscar Wilde
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one@works.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a@suitable application of high explosives.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.@ -- Henry Kissinger
There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer@than 100.@ -- Steele's Law
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know@nothing about.
There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an@opinion.@ -- Anatole France
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of@paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs@tied during the month of April.
"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,@Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and@love of the Fatherland."@ -- Adolf Hitler
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a@vacuum."@ --Arthur C. Clarke
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.@ -- Mark Twain
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their@home."@ -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society@ Convention, 1977
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it@ -- G. B. Shaw
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast@reflexes.
There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
There is no time like the pleasant.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be@doing.
There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.@There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong.
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and@that is not being talked about.@ -- Oscar Wilde
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale@returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.@ -- Mark Twain
There once was a girl named Irene@Who lived on distilled kerosene@ But she started absorbin'@ A new hydrocarbon@And since then has never benzene.
There once was a member of Mensa@Who was a most excellent fencer.@ The sword that he used@ Was his -- (line is refused,@And has now been removed by the censor).
There once was an old man from Esser,@Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.@ It at last grew so small,@ He knew nothing at all,@And now he's a College Professor.
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved@it."@ -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
There was a young lady from Hyde@Who ate a green apple and died.@ While her lover lamented@ The apple fermented@And made cider inside her inside.
There was a young poet named Dan,@Whose poetry never would scan.@ When told this was so,@ He said, "Yes, I know.
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a@fence.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
There's no future in time travel
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.@ -- Dr. Who
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get@any worse.
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government@working for you.@ -- Will Rodgers
"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't@aggravate."
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn@what it is I'll get married again.@ -- Clint Eastwood
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is@becoming an endangered synthetic.@ -- Lily Tomlin
"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"@"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"@"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP@out of MEGATON MAN!"
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they@used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
They also surf who only stand on waves.
"They make a desert and call it peace."@ -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners@always spell better than they pronounce.@ -- Mark Twain
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult@to like."@ -- Avon
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer@crashes.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
"Thirty days hath Septober,@April, June, and no wonder.@all the rest have peanut butter@except my father who wears red suspenders."
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
This fortune intentionally not included.
This fortune is false.
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,@regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling@keys ..."
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT@DOG."@ -- Bob Violence
"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an@actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
This is for all ill-treated fellows@ Unborn and unbegot,@For them to read when they're in trouble@ And I am not.@ -- A. E. Housman
"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back@to one."@ -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM@ @If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your@contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue@without your support. Less than 1
f all fortune users are@contributors. That means that 8
This is the LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
This is your fortune.
This land is full of trousers!@this land is full of mausers!@ And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!@ -- Firesign Theater
This land is made of mountains,@This land is made of mud,@This land has lots of everything,@For me and Elmer Fudd.@ @This land has lots of trousers,@This land has lots of mousers,@And pussycats to eat them@When the sun goes down.
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,@you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where@to go.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with@great force.@ -- Dorothy Parker
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.@ -- Hofstadter
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget@it.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those@of us who do.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,@for these only gave life, those the art of living well.@ -- Aristotle
Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often@surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.@ -- Mark B. Cohen
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent@revolution inevitable.@ -- John F. Kennedy
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are@men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean@without the roar of its many waters.@ -- Frederick Douglass
Weinberg's Principle:@ An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while@ sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Weinberg's Second Law:@ If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,@ then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy@ civilization.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:@ There are no answers, only cross references.
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if@you run out of food.@ -- Dean McLaughlin.
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can*@you believe?!"@ -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"@ @"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...@coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."@ -- Dr. Who
Westheimer's Discovery:@ A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a@ couple of hours in the library.
Wethern's Law:@ Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
"What are we going to do?"@ @"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for@something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a@short initiation period."
"What are you doing?"@ @"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something@that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short@initiation period."
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty@teenager asked her mother.@ "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the@entrance?
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow@in his footsteps?
What I tell you three times is true.
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I@definitely overpaid for my carpet.@ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's@worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?@ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What is a magician but a practising theorist?@ -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
What is mind? No matter.@What is matter? Never mind.@ -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern@computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest@and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"@ -- Bertold Brecht
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing@to compare it with.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?@ -- Ursula K. LeGuin
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent@bagel.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?@ -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"@ -- Steven Wright
"What's that thing?"@ "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in@computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what@it does. We call it a two-by-four."@ -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"@ -- The Doctor
Whatever became of eternal truth?
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not@nailed down.@ -- Collis P. Huntingdon
"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not@cockroaches!"@ -- Mom
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the@money is.@ -- Robespierre
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the@thing," it's the money.@ -- Kim Hubbard
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half@loop?
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is@not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space@travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.@ -- Robert Heinlein
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo@tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"@ -- Reuben Flagg
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before@the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."@ -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I@think it was a Tuesday.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to@guarantee them.
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great@parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if@I'm leaving."@ -- Steven Wright
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a@year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire@winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.@ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young@ladies, and, of course, the goat.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now@I'm beginning to believe it.@ -- Clarence Darrow
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you@take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come@and get you."@ -- Jerry Lewis
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any@firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"@ -- Steven Wright
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into@the soul of the boy sitting next to me.@ -- Woody Allen
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
"When in doubt, tell the truth."@ -- Mark Twain
When in doubt, use brute force.@ -- Ken Thompson
When in panic, fear and doubt,@Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
When love is gone, there's always justice.@And when justice is gone, there's always force.@And when force is gone, there's always Mom.@Hi, Mom!@ -- Laurie Anderson
When Marriage is Outlawed,@Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment@results.@ -- Calvin Coolidge
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony@concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --@and I find I mind it less and less."@ -- Louise Andrews Kent
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:@for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when@your boss is away and you get twice as much done.@ -- Daniel B. Luten
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only@say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"@ -- Jon Carroll
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you@modify the problem, not the remedy.
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is@metaphysics.@ -- Voltaire
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the@plane will fly.@ -- Donald Douglas
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is@not hereditary.@ -- Thomas Paine
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --@except our fingertips will have been singed.@ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."@ -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by@asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't@know the answer either.@ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.@ -- The Wall Street Journal
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the@impression you will make.
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,@Wretched, bored, dejected; only@Here's the rub, my darling dear@I feel the same when you are near.@ -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".@ -- Dave Parnas
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to@see it tried on him personally.@ -- A. Lincoln
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.@ --Oscar Wilde
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time@to reform.@ -- Mark Twain
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE@ @ Oh, dear, where can the matter be@ When it's converted to energy?@ There is a slight loss of parity.@ Johnny's so long at the fair.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what@is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.@ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Whether you can hear it or not@The Universe is laughing behind your back@ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is@admission to someone else.
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't@keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.@ -- Edward Stevenson
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own@form of misery.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining@position.
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their@correctness never does.
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very@reassuring to know that it's still there.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are@safe, for you can watch both of his.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Whistler's Law:@ You never know who is right, but you always know who is in@ charge.
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new@Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
Who made the world I cannot tell;@'Tis made, and here am I in hell.@My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,@I never soiled with such a deed.@ -- A. E. Housman
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Who's on first?
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.@ -- George Ade
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could@have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."@ -- Ian Shoales
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"@ -- Bertold Brecht
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we@have?
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to@avoid responsibility with?
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office@automation?
Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently@there must be a beverage.@ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Why don't elephants eat penguins ?@ @Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is@because we are not the person involved"@ -- Mark Twain
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"@ -- Lily Tomlin
"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love@you knowing nothing?"@ -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"@ -- Oscar Wilde
Wiker's Law:@ Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Williams and Holland's Law:@ If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by@ statistical methods.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as@it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
Wit, n.:@ The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery@ ... by leaving it out.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I@try to be a fraud and a half.@ -- Otto von Bismark
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.@ -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once@build a nuclear balm?
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your@chairs.
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced@dress code!
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:@ August. The lines are the shortest, though.@ -- Steve Rubenstein
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:@ From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved@ in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from@ exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
Worst Vegetable of the Year:@ The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next@ year.@ -- Steve Rubenstein
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"@ @"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat@ -- Lewis Carrol
"Wrong," said Renner.@ @"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with@the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the@imagination is the plot.
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
XIIdigitation, n.:@ The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made@ by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall@fear no evil, for I can string 6 primitive monadic and dyadic operators@together.@ -- Steve Higgins
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
Year, n.:@ A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.@ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still@be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.@ -- Snoopy
Yesterday upon the stair@I met a man who wasn't there.@He wasn't there again today --@I think he's from the CIA.
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.@ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Yinkel, n.:@ A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one@ will notice.@ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
You are here:@ ***@ ***@ *********@ *******@ *****@ ***@ *@ @ But you're not all there.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are the only person to ever get this message.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading@this sort of trash.
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior@executive.
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you@can with just a kind word.@ -- Bumper Sticker
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,@for instance.@ -- Franklin P. Jones
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on@the continuing viability of FORTRAN.@ -- Alan Perlis
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding@decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left@over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.@ -- F. Allen
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of@supercomputers.@ -- Steven Feiner
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"@ -- Steven Wright
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.@ -- Booker T. Washington
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic@enough worrying about what's happening now.@ -- Lauren Bacall
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."@ -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and@ Over and Over"
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they@don't."@ -- Dagwood Bumstead
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first@and last month in advance.
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable@doubt.@ -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.@ -- J. D. Salinger
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting@needles.@ -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--@ @This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--@ @You are permanently confused.@ -- Dave Decot
You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to@metal objects which are not fastened down.
You have junk mail.
You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets@wrinkled.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot@today.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes@you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens@anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,@you can always change the channel.@ -- Jim Ignatowski
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.@ -- S. Rickly Christian
You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.@ -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your@friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he@is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.@ -- Sydney Harris
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with@him.@ -- Ed Howe
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.@ -- Alfred Kahn
You might have mail
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable@proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll@be dead.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the@beach.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could@know how seldom they do.@ -- Olin Miller.
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially@if they are dead.
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than@about 10^12 to 1.@ -- Ernest Rutherford
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for@freedom and liberty.@ -- Henrick Ibson
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a@plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"@ -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
You too can wear a nose mitten.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of@a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door@mayonnaise salesman.
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to@worry.
You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a@taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a@minute and a huff.@ -- Groucho Marx
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
You're at the end of the road again.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're never too old to become younger.@ -- Mae West
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.@ -- Dean Martin
You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."@ -- Gary Giddens
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a@thing he tells you.
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you@from enjoying it.
Your fault: core dumped
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"@ -- Zippy the Pinhead
YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
Zero Defects, n.:@ The result of shutting down a production line.
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words@since I first called my brother's father dad.@ -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of@the Force.@- Darth Vader
When I left you, I was but the pupil. Now, I am the master.@- Darth Vader
"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in@poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come@and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"@- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
186,000 Miles per Second. It's not just a good idea. IT'S THE LAW.
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.@Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.@- Oscar Wilde
Single tasking: Just Say No.
"Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world."@- The Beach Boys
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them@seemed to come from Texas."@- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my@lifetime."@- Johnny Legend
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading@statements, sooner or later the product will speak for itself.@- Hajime Karatsu
Memories of you remind me of you.@- Karl
Life. Don't talk to me about life.@- Marvin the Paranoid Anroid
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
The world is coming to an end--save your buffers!
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
It is your destiny.@- Darth Vader
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at@your side.@- Han Solo
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?@ @3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?@ @"That's a known problem... don't worry about it."
To be is to program.
To program is to be.
I program, therefore I am.
People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange@surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and@Fortran programs, for example.@- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press
"I am your density."@ -- George McFly in "Back to the Future"
"So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here."@ -- Biff in "Back to the Future"
The existence of god implies a violation of causality.
"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously."@- Doctor Graper
Operating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic@functions of a computer.@- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987, page 40
I pledge allegiance to the flag@of the United States of America@and to the republic for which it stands,@one nation,@indivisible,@with liberty@and justice for all.@- Francis Bellamy, 1892
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind@his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on@them.@-- Steven Wright
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of@the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".@ -- Steven Wright
You can't have everything... where would you put it?@-- Steven Wright
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full@house and 4 people died.@-- Steven Wright
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to@tip over? Well, that's how I feel all the time.@-- Steven Wright
I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car@keys...and the building started up. So I took it out for a drive. A cop@pulled me over for speeding. He asked me where I live... "Right here".@-- Steven Wright
"Live or die, I'll make a million."@-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign@Theater
The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic@light table for cutting and pasting documents.
There are bugs and then there are bugs. And then there are bugs.@- karl
My computer can beat up your computer.@- karl
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures@- karl
Kill Ugly Radio@- Frank Zappa
"Just Say No." - Nancy Reagan@ @"No." - Ronald Reagan
Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.@- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football team
If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.@If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.@- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who@are prepared.@- Louis Pasteur
core error - bus dumped
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not@use.
"Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you."@- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign@Theater
"Ahead warp factor 1"@- Captain Kirk
Harrison's Postulate:@ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Mr. Cole's Axiom:@ The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;@ the population is growing.
Felson's Law:@ To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from@ many is research.
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.@- Oscar Wilde
Unix: Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it@once.@-karl
Sometimes, too long is too long.@- Joe Crowe
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by@one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.@- Edmund Burke
"Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the@worst."@- Thomas Paine
"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be@sure."@- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens"
"There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to@do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active@way."@- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
"Athens built the Acropolis. Corinth was a commercial city, interested in@purely materialistic things. Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the@old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth."@- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign@itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon...@- Lyndon B. Johnson
Life's the same, except for the shoes.@- The Cars
Purple hum@Assorted cars@Laser lights, you bring@ @All to prove@You're on the move@and vanishing@- The Cars
Could be you're crossing the fine line@A silly driver kind of...off the wall@ @You keep it cool when it's t-t-tight@...eyes wide open when you start to fall.@- The Cars
Adapt. Enjoy. Survive.
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.@- Anonymous
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be@lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.@- Isaac Asimov
"Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of@Silly Putty."@- Dennis Rawlins, astronomer
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.@- Kahlil Gibran
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.@- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.@- Voltaire
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit@in my name at a Swiss Bank.@- Woody Allen
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.@- C. K. Chesterton
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to@be solved.@- Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank@Herbert??)
So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide@and our doubts serve to reassure us.@- Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the@improbable.@- H. L. Mencken
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God@upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of@criminal at the bar of justice.@- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist
I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents@become better people as a result of practicing it.@- Joe Mullally, computer salesman
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagarism.
"Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry"@- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for the PDP-11
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?@ @One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored@power tools.
How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb?@ @Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.
How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb?@ @It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God.@It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.@- Thomas Jefferson
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman@Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant@Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.@- Thomas Paine
God requireth not a uniformity of religion.@- Roger Williams
I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.@- Thomas Jefferson
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in@the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,@and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.@- John Adams
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could@never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.@- Abraham Lincoln
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have@gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the@missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.@- Oliver North
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and@fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are@drifting side by side to our common doom.@- Clarence Darrow
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.@- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
...there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is@the practice of truth.@- George Jacob Holyoake
"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee."@- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston@ July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
The meek are contesting the will.
I'm sick of being trodden on! The Elder Gods say they can make me a man!@All it costs is my soul! I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!!@- Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee
"I'm a mean green mother from outer space"@ -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged@demo.@- Andy Finkel, computer guy
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.@- The Firesign Theater
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's@technical vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much@different.@- The Firesign Theater
...this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six@million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."@- The Firesign Theater
We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.@- Ann Marion
I know engineers. They love to change things.@- Dr. McCoy
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective@software tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the@University.@- John Lions (U. of Toronto (?))
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.@- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.@- Mark Twain
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.@- Ed Bluestone
He's dead, Jim.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of@you.@- David Letterman
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.@- Al Capone
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.@- Frank Zappa
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity."@-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
There is a time in the tides of men,@Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.@On the other hand, don't count on it.@- T. K. Lawson
To follow foolish precedents, and wink@With both our eyes, is easier than to think.@- William Cowper
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.@- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.@- John Keats
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.
"We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting"@--Stanley Sutton
Weekends were made for programming.@- Karl
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have@a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no@wires, no controls.@- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"
"Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist."@- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie
Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact.@Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only@atheists could accept this Satanic theory.@- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution"
e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data@you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.@- karl
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.@- Oscar Wilde
Shit Happens.
My mother is a fish.@- William Faulkner
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,@recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one@particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.@- Eleanor Roosevelt
Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal@power should not become too important in any church.@- Eleanor Roosevelt
Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind...@- Percy Bysshe Shelley
It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon@insufficient evidence.@- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.@- Voltaire
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed@of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly --@that is the first law of nature.@- Voltaire
It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because@he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.@- Voltaire
The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The@natural disposition is always to believe. It is acquired wisdom and@experience only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it@enough.@- Adam Smith
"I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass."@- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's@suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's@nomination to the Supreme Court
A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the@subject.@- Winston Churchill
We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism...@we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying@our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself.@- Jerry Falwell
They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach@of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions@of the duperies on which they live.@- Thomas Jefferson
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.@- George Orwell
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult@than to understand him.@- Fyodor Dostoevski
The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all@the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.@- Rabbi Meir Kahane
The world is no nursery.@- Sigmund Freud
...I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and@concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our@family, the Hominidae.@- Richard Leakey
"Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor@reptile and not very much of a bird."@- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has@studied the archeopteryz and found it "very much like people"
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and@intimidation.
"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at@speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."@-- presumable misprint from the 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.
"Your attitude determines your attitude."@-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus
Thufir's a Harkonnen now.
"By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other@designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun."@-- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in April 88's "Computer@Language"
"If you want to eat hippopautamus, you've got to pay the freight."@-- some IBM guy
Parkinson's Law: Work expands to fill the time alloted it.
Karl's version of Parkinson's Law: Work expands to exceed the time alloted@it.
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and@failed.@- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
>> Sir, the computer doesn't make mistakes. Your bill is still $21,736.4
For a good prime, call: 391581 * 2^216193 -1
"You are in a twisty little maze of Unix versions, all different."
No it isn't
No level contains two shops. The maze is no level. So...
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet@theory.
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
No one within an organization really knows what's going on.
No ones happiness but my own is in my power to achieve or to destroy... Ayn@Rand
No part of this fortune may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, ...
No poems can please nor live long that are written by water drinkers.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
No sentence fragments.
No sooner said than done--so acts your man of worth.
No weapon is better than a crysknife.
No writer's life understands that he's working when he's staring out the@window.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of@something.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
nose's friends.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Not all rumors are as misleading as this one.
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
Not even a spear will hit a Xorn.
Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free.
Nothing astonishes man so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing endures but change.
Nothing ever goes away.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is as repulsive as phoniness, conversely, nothing is as magnetic as@reality... Howard Henrichs
Nothing is but what is not.
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
Nothing is fool proof, because fools are so damn ingenious.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm, it moves stones, and it charms@brutes... Anon
Nothing is so firmly believed as which is least known.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Nothing will ever happen to you.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Now what is it that cures digestion?
now you want these free lessons or what?
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nurses are accustomed to touch naked persons: they don't harm them.
Nurses prefer undressed hackers.
Nymphs and nurses like beautiful rings.
Nymphs are blondes. Are you a gentleman?
Nymphs are very pleased when you call them by their real name: Lorelei.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: cleanliness is next to impossible.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
Offering a unicorn a worthless piece of glass might prove to be fatal!
Oh No! You were eaten by a grue! Do you want me to patch you?
Oh this age How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
Oh wearisome condition of humanity Born under one law, to another bound.
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
Oh, Nicky, you're such a tool.
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
Old hackers never die: young ones do.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad@examples.
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old trees sometimes fall without a warning!
Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
On the way to the corner, a dropped tool will land on your foot.
on your '74 Firebird, I believe. Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
Once a can of worms is opened, the only way to recan them is in a bigger@can.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away.
Once your little dog will be a big dog, and you will be proud of it.
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
One Bell System - it works.
One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
One can even choke in a fortune cookie!
One chauvinist to another: Yes I have 4 boys, except for two.
One day I was on the beach with my wife and she said, "Gee honey you are@getting fat." And I told her it was minor defects like that, that kept me@from getting a better wife.
One day you will find yourself and be quite disappointed.
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One good turn deserves another.
One good turn gets the whole blanket.
One has to leave shops before closing time.
One homunculus a day keeps the doctor away.
One level further down somebody is getting killed, right now.
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below.
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
One wand of concentration equals eight scrolls of create monster.
One will not have needed the future perfect in one's entire life.
One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.
Ones mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original@dimension... Oliver Wendell Holmes
Only a dragon will never get a cold from a wand of cold.
Only a fool has no doubts.
Only a Nymph knows how to unlock chains.
Only a real dummy would ever call his sword 'Elbereth'.
Only a wizard can use a magic whistle.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Only adventurers of evil alignment think of killing their dog.
Only cave-women can catch a unicorn. And then only with a golden rope.
Only chaotic evils kill sleeping monsters.
Only david can find the zoo!
Only fools are quoted.
Only real trappers escape traps.
Only real wizards can write scrolls.
Only those with nothing to be sorry for smile back at the rear of an@elephant.
Only Today! A dramatic price-cut on slightly used wands.
Only wizards are able to zap a wand.
Opening a tin is difficult, especially when you are not so strong!
Opening a tin is difficult, especially when you attempt this bare handed!
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he@sings.
Operation coded OVERKILL has started now.
Optimist is person who thinks he can break up traffic jam by blowing horn.
or special handling, or what?
Orcs and killer bees share their lifestyle.
Orcs do not procreate in dark rooms.
Oregonians don't tan, they rust.
Oscar Wilde commenting on response time... The suspense is terrible, I hope@it will last.
Oscar Wildes last words: Either those curtains go, or I do.
Other people are quite dreadful. the only possible society is oneself...@Oscar Wilde
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can...@Ralph Waldo Emerson
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
P-K4.
Palindrome isn't one.
PANIC: out of beer
Pardo's first postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral,@or fattening. Arnold's addendum: Anything not fitting into these@categories causes cancer in laboratory animals.
Parrigator: cross between an alligator and a parrot: if it wants a@cracker, giveit one.
Parsley is gharsley.
Patch griefs with proverbs.
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
Patrick's theorem: If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong@equipment.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Pause for storage relocation.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains.
Peace: a period of cheating between two wars.
People get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory... Anon
People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give@none.
People who abstain from smoking, drinking, and having sex do not necessarily@live longer... It just seems longer.
People who are grateful are usually good.
People who can least afford to pay rent pay rent.
People who can most afford to pay rent build equity.
People who look down on other people do not end up being looked up to...@Robert Half
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
People with no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of@them.
Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle that they burned Rome.
Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open...@E.G. Leterman
Peters hungry, time to eat lunch.
Phasors locked on target, Captain.
Philadelphia just seems dull because it's next to exciting Camden, New@Jersey.
Physician, bill thyself.
Pi is the lonliest number.
Pipe gives wise man time to think and fool something to stick in mouth.
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten@or more words, to their antecedents.
Plagiarism is basic to all culture... Papa Seeger
Plain nymphs are harmless.
Plan ahead, it was not raining when noah built the ark... Richard Cushing
Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week.
Playing billiards pays when you are in a shop.
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
PLEASE ignore previous rumour.
Please leave the room immediately.
Plus un rond est petit moins on voit qu'il n'est pas rond.
Polymorphing your dog probably makes you safer.
Poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master... Leonardo da Vinci
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Practice yourself what you preach.
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
Praying will frighten Demons.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Presidential address..."Let me make myself perfectly transparent!"
Pressure is the normal force acting upon an engineer.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Professor -- one who talks in a students' sleep.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the@sword.
Pronounce your prepositions, dammit!
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by@others.
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
Prototype designs always work.
Pssst. The root password is 'kumquat'.
Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality.
Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad.
Punishment is a thing you call over yourself. So why complain?
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the T.V. screen.
PURGE COMPLETE.
Pursue the monsters and you will be had indeed.
Put it back quickly! Perhaps your theft will not be discovered.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Put on a ring of teleportation: it will take you away from onslaught.
Put people on hold when possible.
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Put your genius into your life. Put only your talent into your work.
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
Quazars shift red@Hot stars burn blue@Space is warped@And so are you.
Question authority.
Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work
Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work!
Quoth the Raven "Never mind."
Quoting one is plagiarism.. quoting many is research... Anon
Racine de 9 egale 4 pour de grosses valeurs de 9.
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
Rank has its privileges.
Rays aren't boomerangs, of course, but still...
Read the manual before entering the cave - You might get killed otherwise.
Read your Amdahl Business Practices.
Reading Herbert will disgust you, but in one case it might be enlightening.
Reading might change your vision.
Reading might improve your scope.
Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience.
Reading Tolkien might help you.
Real Programmers are not in it for the money. Most of them are secret@millionaires.
Real Programmers do it middle-out.
Real programmers do not clear registers twice before using them. In fact,@if you annoy a Real Programmer, he/she won't clear the registers at all.@And that goes for your memory, too.
Real Programmers do not wonder where the bits went following a shift@operation. They do not care.
Real Programmers don't comment their code, If it was hard to write, it@should be hard to understand.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read@the listings or the object deck.
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't read the "Wall Street Journal"; they read dumps.
Real Programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's toadies.@Real Programmers like to keep their managers in suspense.
Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right down@on the bare metal.
Real Programmers don't write in APL. Any fool can be obscure in APL.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in@BASIC, after the age of 12.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications@programmers.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks@and crystallography weenies.
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those@pinko computer science languages.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't@decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky@to get any programs at all and take what they get.
Real Programmers enjoy getting CP/M to work on 370 machines and MVS on their@ZX81s.
Real Programmers enjoy machine coding PASCAL compilers for their micros,@which they improve but never use.
Real Programmers know better than the users what they need.
Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction, and they use them@all in every program.
Real Programmers know that good human factors design requires only the@application of common sense. Besides, no one cares about users. Programs@are written for aesthetic beauty.
Real programmers never deliver programs on schedule. Either the program is@"done" in two days or it is never finished. In any case, it is never@delivered when it was scheduled.
Real Programmers never deliver programs on the first day of any month.
Real Programmers never deliver programs on Wednesdays.
Real Programmers never eat at restaurants. If the vending machine sells it,@they eat it. If it doesn't, they don't.
Real Programmers never get annoyed by security systems. They turn off the@RACF bits and leave unsigned messages in the security datasets.
Real programmers never update the source to reflect the ZAPs; after all, it@will have changed again tomorrow.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9@AM, it's because they were up all night.
Real programmers recently discovered that popcorn was being sold in the@vending machines. Coders discovered that it could be popped in the@microwave oven in the vending machine room. Real Programmers use the heat@escaping from the top of the CPU.
Real Programmers think better when playing ADVENTURE.
Real Programmers think structured programming is a Communist plot.
Real Programmers write their own assemblers, preferably in LISP.
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time, But if you throw@them on the machine, they can be patched into working in "only a few"@30-hour debugging sessions.
Reality an obstacle to happiness.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Reality--what a concept
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
Recommended by 9 out of 10 doctors who do.
Relying on a dog might turn you in a dog addict.
Remember if you win the rat race your still a rat.
Remember the Alamo.
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Remember, VMCMS spelled backwards is SMCMV.
Remember, you cannot drain the ocean with a teaspoon... Ignas Bernstein
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
Render unto Caesar if line 54 is larger than line 62.
Reporter: Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi:@I think it would be a good idea.
Reputation is what others are not thinking about you.
Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else@has.
Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.
Resist everything but temptation.
Rest assured that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
Retribution will be yours.
Reward your doggie with a giant Bat.
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
Ride the tributaries to reach the sea... Arab Proverb
Rome was not built in one day.
Ropes are made from the long, blond hairs of dead Nymphs.
Rotten wood can not be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9)
Row (3x) that boat gently down the stream, Charon (4x), death is but a@dream.
Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep an your lap and@looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have the urge to go to@the bathroom.
Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
Rumor: Dr. Pepper is carbonated prune juice.
Rumor: Someone once found out that the red dye in red M&M's are an@aphrodisiac. The government ordered that most be removed, if you find any,@save them.
Rumor: The main ingredient in tooth-paste is sugar.
Rumor: The movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" was a documentary.
Running is good for your legs.
Rust monsters love water. There are potions they hate, however.
S m i l e ... It improves your face value
Safety is better than the wrong answer.
Salary is no object: strive only to keep body and soul apart.
SASSOON: a cross between a sasquatch and a baboon, that lurks in suburbs at@night styling women's hair.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
Save gas, don't eat beans.
Savings do include amnesia.
Say the secret woid and the duck is yours.
Say the secret word and you win $100.
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
Scorpions often hide under tripe rations.
Scotty: She'll nae take much more of this Captain!
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Scrolls of fire are useful against fog clouds.
Sculpture: mud pies that endure.
Sears has everything.
Second Law of Hacking: first in, first out.
Second-rate people hire third-rate people.
Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow
Sell short.
Selling and rebuying a wand will recharge it.
Set the cart before the horse.
Sex causes cancer. We'd wipe out cancer in one generation if no one had@sex.
Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
Sex is in the kranium and not in the krotch... R. Welch via W. Mitchell
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Shawn's principle: If you build something a fool can use, only a fool will@want to use it.
She loves you as much as she can, which is not very much.
She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, And all night long it was@honour and offer.
She sells cshs by the cshore.
She who hesitates is won.
Sheep are best!
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down! Byte, byte,@byte!
Shine on, you crazy diamond!
Shopkeepers accept creditcards, as long as you pay cash.
Shopkeepers are vegetarians: they only eat Swedes.
Shopkeepers can't read, so what use is engraving in a shop?
Shopkeepers can't swim.
Shopkeepers have incredible patience.
Shopkeepers often have strange names.
Shopkeepers sometimes die from old age.
Short circuits got no reason to live.
Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all...@Winston Churchill
Show me a man with a spring in his step, and I will show you a man with a@rubber porch... W. Woodhouse
Show respect for age. Drink good scotch for a change.
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
Show your appreciation for your lover by surprising him/her with a small@gift.
Show yourself more human than critical and your pleasure will increase...@Domenico Scarlatti
Shower the people you love with your love. Shower with the people you love.
Si la femme etait bonne, Dieu en aurait une.
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
Sign in microbiology lab door: STAPH ONLY
Sign up now for the summarizing Proust competition
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
Skinners constant... That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided into,@added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives the answer you should@have obtained.
Sleeping may increase your strength.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
Small things make base men proud.
Smile... It improves your face value
Smile You're on Candid Camera.
Smile, tomorrow will be worse.
Snakes are often found under worthless objects.
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that go away if ignored long@enough.
Snow Day - stay home.
Snow day--stay home.
So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
So you're back.
Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
Society is a mule, not a car; if pressed harder, it will kick and throw you@off.
Society is the presumption of habit over instinct... Peter Taylor
Some Balrogs don't attack if you offer them a ring.
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be@chewed and digested... Sir Francis Bacon
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell... Arnold Glasow
Some mazes (especially small ones) have no solutions, says man 6 maze.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some monsters can be tamed. I once saw a hacker with a tame Dragon!
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some people fall for everything and stand for nothing.
Some potions are quite mind-expanding.
Some questions Sphynxes ask just *don't* have any answers.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
Somehow, somewhere along the line, this town lost its pride.
Someone close to you is taking advantage of your trust.
Someone is speaking well of you.
Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual!
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
Sometimes "mu" is the answer.
Sometimes monsters are more likely to fight each other than attack you.
Sometimes the only way out of a difficulty is through it.
Somewhere in the quisling clinic there's a shorthand typist taking seconds@of minutes for hours.
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Sorry. Nice try.
Sorry, computer foul-up!
Sorry, no fortune this time.
Sorry, no fortune this time. Better luck next cookie!
Spare your scrolls of make-edible until it's really necessary!
Speed Kills (The Doors)
Spend enough time confirming the need and the need will disappear.
Spinach, carrot, and a melon - a meal fit for a nurse!
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
SQUANGE: cross between a squid and a sponge; Makes good, self-inking stamp@pads.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
State Farm, guard dogs?
State Farm? Guard dogs?
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
Statistics are the scientists first defence against fanaticism: they@transform dogmas into arguable propositions... D. Waltner Toews
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not@illumination.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay clear of the level of no return.
Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction: it is easier to get forgiveness than@permission.
Stop me before I kill again!
Stop me before I kilobyte!
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
Strike while the iron is hot.
Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
Student to Dog-Trainer: Well I finally got my dog to go on the paper,@unfortunatly he does it while I'm reading it.
Success comes to those who know it is not coming to them and who go out to@get it... Frank Tyger
Success is what happens when something goes right... Arnold Glasow
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Sucks Syntax.
Suddenly the dungeon will collapse ...
Supercompetence is more objectionable than incompetence.
Superiority is always detested... Balasar Gracian
Support your local church. Worship at Bank of America.
Surly grammarians insist that all words ending in "ly" are adverbs.
Surprise your dog with an acid blob!
Survival of the species is everyone's business.
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
System checkpoint complete.
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
System restarting, wait.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
T-Shirt saying: (on a pregnant woman): Baby on board.
T-Shirt saying: A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
T-Shirt saying: A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
T-Shirt saying: A woman's place is in the mall.
T-Shirt saying: Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
T-Shirt saying: Are you making this up as you go along?
T-Shirt saying: Ask me if I care.
T-Shirt saying: Assume nothing.
T-Shirt saying: Baby I'm Bored
T-Shirt saying: Be different, act normal.
T-Shirt saying: Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
T-Shirt saying: Being normal is driving me crazy.
T-Shirt saying: Better dead than mellow.
T-Shirt saying: Born to shop.
T-Shirt saying: Break a few rules.
T-Shirt saying: Conform, go crazy, or become an artist.
T-Shirt saying: Damn I'm good.
T-Shirt saying: Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
T-Shirt saying: Don't ask me any questions. I just might tell you the truth.
T-Shirt saying: Don't be humble. You're not that great.
T-Shirt saying: Don't let school interfere with your education.
T-Shirt saying: Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it@alive.
T-Shirt saying: Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
T-Shirt saying: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
T-Shirt saying: Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened@out.
T-Shirt saying: For this I spent all those years in college?
T-Shirt saying: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
T-Shirt saying: Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition@from mediocre minds. (Einstein)
T-Shirt saying: Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances.
T-Shirt saying: Have an ordinary day.
T-Shirt saying: Have another day.
T-Shirt saying: He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
T-Shirt saying: Here I am again at the penitentiary of insanity and stress.
T-Shirt saying: I do my best to be just who I am, but everybody wants me to@be just like them.
T-Shirt saying: I don't care. I don't have to.
T-Shirt saying: I don't know, I don't care and it doesn't make any@difference.
T-Shirt saying: I guess you had to be there.
T-Shirt saying: I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby.
T-Shirt saying: I know I'm effecient. Tell me I'm beautiful.
T-Shirt saying: I know you think you understood what I said, but what you@heard was not what I meant.
T-Shirt saying: I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
T-Shirt saying: I may not always be perfect, but I'm always me.
T-Shirt saying: I never argue with fools. People might not know the@difference.
T-Shirt saying: I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
T-Shirt saying: I survived Hampshire College.
T-Shirt saying: I used to be an adult before I grew up.
T-Shirt saying: I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality.
T-Shirt saying: I used to be disgusted, now, I'm just ammused.
T-Shirt saying: I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along@with the lost.
T-Shirt saying: I used to know that stuff.
T-Shirt saying: I want it all and I want it now.
T-Shirt saying: I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
T-Shirt saying: I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when@it happens.
T-Shirt saying: I'm not deaf. I'm ignoring you.
T-Shirt saying: I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.
T-Shirt saying: I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
T-Shirt saying: I'm really enjoying not talking to you. Let's not talk@again real soon, OK?
T-Shirt saying: I'm the mommy, that's why!
T-Shirt saying: I'm the person your mother warned you about.
T-Shirt saying: I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane.
T-Shirt saying: I've heard that money cna't buy happiness, but I'd like to@find out for myself.
T-Shirt saying: If I follow you home would you keep me?
T-Shirt saying: If it Smells it's Chemistry, if it Crawls it's Biology, if@it doesn't work it's Physics.
T-Shirt saying: If its worth doing it's worth doing for money.
T-Shirt saying: If you don't understand my silence you won't understand my@words.
T-Shirt saying: If you have to ask you'll never know.
T-Shirt saying: If you keep an open mind people will throw alot of garbage@in it.
T-Shirt saying: If you're looking at this you're crazy!
T-Shirt saying: If you're looking for me I just left.
T-Shirt saying: If you're normal, who wants to be normal?
T-Shirt saying: If you're not an idealist at 20 you have no heart, but if@you're still an idealist at 30 you have no head.
T-Shirt saying: Ignore alien orders.
T-Shirt saying: In the land of the blind the one-eyed must be mad.
T-Shirt saying: It is better to divorce than to murder.
T-Shirt saying: It isn't easy being a Princess.
T-Shirt saying: It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many@stations anymore.
T-Shirt saying: It's been Monday all week today.
T-Shirt saying: It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real@fun.
T-Shirt saying: It's better to divorce than to murder.
T-Shirt saying: It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by@turkeys.
T-Shirt saying: It's impolite to silence a fool and cruel to let him go on.
T-Shirt saying: It's never to late to have a happy childhood.
T-Shirt saying: It's not easy for a night person to work days.
T-Shirt saying: It's not my week to care.
T-Shirt saying: It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing@the game.
T-Shirt saying: Just because you're paranoid doen't mean they're not out to@get you.
T-Shirt saying: Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
T-Shirt saying: Legalize freedom.
T-Shirt saying: Let's get drunk and be somebody.
T-Shirt saying: Life is too important to be taken seriously.
T-Shirt saying: Lo! I am waste!
T-Shirt saying: Love means having to say your sorry every five minutes.
T-Shirt saying: Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
T-Shirt saying: Madness takes its toll.
T-Shirt saying: Mama told me there'd be years like these.
T-Shirt saying: Marriage causes dating problems.
T-Shirt saying: My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.
T-Shirt saying: My parents went to the Tee-Shirt Shoppe and all I got was@this stupid T-shirt!
T-Shirt saying: Never attribute to malice what can by adequately explained@by
T-Shirt saying: Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
T-Shirt saying: No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is@obvious.
T-Shirt saying: Not now, my soap is on.
T-Shirt saying: Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.
T-Shirt saying: Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
T-Shirt saying: Once you accept his assumptions even a madman seems@reasonable.
T-Shirt saying: One person with courage makes a majority.
T-Shirt saying: Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the@impossible.
T-Shirt saying: Onward through the fog.
T-Shirt saying: Our parents were never our age.
T-Shirt saying: Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who@gives a damn.
T-Shirt saying: Part of the art of being a woman is knowing when not to be@too much of a lady.
T-Shirt saying: Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
T-Shirt saying: Perfect stranger.
T-Shirt saying: Power means not having to respond.
T-Shirt saying: Princess in training.
T-Shirt saying: Princesses don't do dishes or take out garbage.
T-Shirt saying: Question authority.
T-Shirt saying: Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
T-Shirt saying: Real life isn't like this.
T-Shirt saying: Reality is for people who lack imagination.
T-Shirt saying: Reality police.
T-Shirt saying: Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
T-Shirt saying: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.
T-Shirt saying: Shut up and dance.
T-Shirt saying: So many men, so few straight.
T-Shirt saying: So?
T-Shirt saying: Sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma.
T-Shirt saying: Sounds like a personal problem to me.
T-Shirt saying: Still crazy after all these years.
T-Shirt saying: stupidity.
T-Shirt saying: Talent does what it can, genius does what it must, I do@what I'm paid to do.
T-Shirt saying: The one who dies with the most toys wins.
T-Shirt saying: The opera isn't over until the fat lady sings.
T-Shirt saying: The real thing doesn't advertise.
T-Shirt saying: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that@you've got it made.
T-Shirt saying: The torture never stops.
T-Shirt saying: There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
T-Shirt saying: There is no excuse for laziness, but I'm working on it.
T-Shirt saying: They've found something that does the work of five men...@one woman.
T-Shirt saying: Thrill me, then leave.
T-Shirt saying: Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
T-Shirt saying: We are the people our parents warned us about.
T-Shirt saying: We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the@impossible for the ungrateful.
T-Shirt saying: Welcome to the zoo.
T-Shirt saying: What does it all mean?
T-Shirt saying: What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
T-Shirt saying: What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're@saying.
T-Shirt saying: What's a nice person like me doing in a place like this?
T-Shirt saying: Whatever it is I'm against it.
T-Shirt saying: Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very@important that you do it. (Ghandi)
T-Shirt saying: When everyone agress with me, I know I'm wrong.
T-Shirt saying: When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in@trouble delegate.
T-Shirt saying: When its you against the world, back the world.
T-Shirt saying: When the going gets tough the tough go shopping.
T-Shirt saying: When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
T-Shirt saying: When the going gets wierd, the wierd turn pro.
T-Shirt saying: Why are we all puit here to suffer and die?
T-Shirt saying: Why be difficult when with just a little effort you can be@impossible?
T-Shirt saying: Why listen to reason when insanity prevails.
T-Shirt saying: Why look here for the joke? It's all around us.
T-Shirt saying: With liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
T-Shirt saying: Women like the simplest things in life...men.
T-Shirt saying: Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
T-Shirt saying: You can live outside the law, but you must be honest.
T-Shirt saying: You can tell the men from the boys by the price of their@toys.
T-Shirt saying: You don't know what you're talking about do you?
T-Shirt saying: You're not from Earth, are you?
Tact is the great ability to see other people as they think you see them...@Carl Zuckmayer
Tact is the unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Tainted meat is even more sickening than poison!
Take a long worm from the rear, according to its mate it's a lot more fun.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
Take what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Talkers are no good doers.
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
Tame a troll and it will learn you fighting.
Taming a postman may cause a system security violation.
Taming is a gradual process of excercising and rewarding.
Tanstaafl.
Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam to work for the@government.
Telepathy is just a trick: once you know how to do it, it's easy.
Teleportation lessens your orientation.
Than self restraint, there is nothing better... Lao Tzu
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That that is is not that that is not.
The "pray" command is not yet implemented.
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
The adverb always follows the verb.
The air is positively magic in here. Better wear a negative armor.
The amount of work done varies inversely with the time spent in the office.
The applause of a single human being is of great consequence...@Samuel Johnson
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
The best cure for anger is delay... Seneca
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it... Anon
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The better part of maturity is knowing your goals... Arnold Glasow
The better part of valor is discretion.
The bigger the theory, the better.
The Bozos are coming.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the second you get up and@doesn't stop till you get to school.
The brain works from the moment of birth until you stand up to speak in@public.
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
The chance of meeting the right person increases exponentially by how long@its been since you've had a bath.
The chance of somebody important visiting your apartment is directly@proportional to how messy it is.
The chief barrier to happiness is envy... Frank Tyger
The coast was clear.
The computer scientists cheer: Shift to the left, shift to the right, pop@up, push down, byte, byte, byte.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious@book.
The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
The die is cast.
The difference between a pat on the back and a kick in the behind is only 18@inches... R. Willoughby
The difference between sympathy and empathy is three letters, yes...@P. Taylor
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
The early worm gets the bird.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The emptiness of a ghost is too heavy to bear.
The envious man grows lean at the success of his neighbor... Horace
The faintest ink is better than the fondest memory.. i.e., always take@notes... Anon@
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
The first and great commandment is do not let them scare you... Elmer Davis
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
The FORCE is looking for a few good people.
The formula for success is putting the right people in the right jobs, and@then sitting on the sidelines and being a rousing good cheerleader... A.@M. Jones
The fortune '$ rm -r $HOME' could be extremely unsettling!!
The Futility Factor (FF): No experiment is ever a complete failure.. it@can always serve as a bad example.
The future aint what it used to be.. and whats more, it never was...@Lee Hayes
The future arrives before we expect it, but is seldom what we expect...@Arnold Glasow
The future does not just happen, it sneaks up on you a little bit at a@time... Harlan Ellison
The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school@counselors.
The future is bright in affairs of the heart.
The future is not what it used to be. (It never was.)
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
The future lies ahead.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
The hand that kindles cannot quench the flame.
The hardest thing to open is a closed mind... Leo Burnett
The heart has no rainbows when the eye has no tears.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
The honeymoon is that short period of doting between dating and debting.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The ideal is impossible.. the idea of the ideal is essential... P. Taylor
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
The ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
The Jackal only eats bad food.
The key to this game is that there are no keys.
The lame in the path outstrip the swift who wander from it... Francis Bacon
The last person who said that, God rest his soul, lived to regret it.
The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
The law in its majestic equality forbids the poor, as well as the rich, to@sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. --@Anatole France
The Leprechaun Gold Tru$t is no division of the Magic Memory Vault.
The Leprechauns hide their treasure in a small hidden room.
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The longer the wand the better.
The longer you are in the presence of a difficulty, the less likely you are@to solve it... Charles Nicolle
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
The love of money is only one among many... Alfred Marshall
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
The man who runs may fight again.
The meek shall inherit the earth. They are too weak to refuse.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
The moon is made of green cheese.
The moon is not the only heavenly body to influence this game.
The more the merrier.
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
The more you eat, the less flavour. the less you eat, the more flavour...@Chinese Proverb
The most harmful error has not yet been discovered in your program.
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
The next six days are dangerous.
The obvious answer is always overlooked.
The one real object of education is to leave a man in the condition of@continually asking questions... Bishop Creighton
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth... Anon
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The only thing constant is change.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're@done.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it... Oscar Wilde
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The Ordering Principle: Those supplies necessary for yesterdays experiment@must be ordered no later than tomorrow noon.
The other line moves faster.
The pen is mightier than the pencil.
The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
The plural of spouse is spice.
The postman always rings twice.
The price of greatness is responsibility... Winston Churchill
The primates claim you were a throwback.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
The proof of the quivering blob is in the eating thereof.
The ripest fruit falls first.
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
The road to to sucess is always under construction... Florian Bruckner
The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had be@obliged to first learn Latin.
The Sausage Principle: people who love sausage and respect the law should@never watch either one being made.
The secret cement of any organization is trust ... Donald E. Walker
The secret of wands of Nothing Happens: try again!
The shell must break before the bird can fly... Tennyson
The Shell: not just another pretty interface.
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
The silly question is the first intimation of some totally new@development... A. N. Whitehead
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solution to a problem changes the problem... J. Martin
The star of riches is shining upon you.
The sweetest of all sounds is praise... Xenophon
The tallest trees are most in the power of the winds, and ambitious men of@the blasts of fortune... William Pen
The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
The time is right to make new friends.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The truth is that all those having power ought to be mistrusted...@James Madison
The two great tragedies in life: not getting what one wants and getting it.
The Ultimate Principle: By definition, when you are investigating the@unknown, you do not know what you will find.
The universe is all a spinoff of the Big Bang.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The use of dynamite is dangerous.
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
The way to make a small fortune in the Stock Market is to start with a large@one.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
The world is divided into two kinds of people, those who think the world is@divided into two kinds of people and those who do not... Anon
The world isn't worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
The world wants to be deceived.
The world will not recognize your talent until you demonstrate it...@Arnold Glasow
The worst form of failure is the failure to try.
The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience.
Then you must be Don Francisco's sister
Then you must be Don Francisco's sister!
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
There are better information sources than fortune cookies.
There are fortunes that mention the word 'umbrella' for no apparent reason.
There are moments when art attains almost to the dignity of manual labor.
There are monsters of softening penetration.
There are monsters of striking charity.
There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
There are more ways into the woods than out.
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
There are no giant crabs in here, Frank.
There are three kinds of people.. those that make things happen, those that@watch things happen, and those who wonder what is happening... Anon
There are two instruments worse than a clarinet. Two clarinets.
There are two kinds of discontent, bad and good.. The good kind will@motivate work, the bad kind will result in inactivity... Anon
There are two kinds of fools, those who have never climbed mount fuji and@those who have climbed it twice... Japanese Saying
There have been people like you in here; their ghosts seek revenge on you.
There is a bear following you around.
There is a big treasure hidden in the zoo!
There is a message concealed in each fortune cookie.
There is a trap on this level!
There is a VIP-lounge on this level. Only first-class travellers admitted.
There is always an easier way to do it.
There is always one more bug.
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
There is always something new out of Africa.
There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.
There is an exception to all laws.
There is danger in delaying, good fortune in acting.
There is life after death: in Cleveland, people are still allowed to vote.
There is more magic in this cave than meets the eye.
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
There is never time to do it right, but plenty of time to do it over...@Anon
There is news.
There is no business like throw business.
There is no devil; it's God when he's drunk.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
There is no harm in praising a large dog.
There is no place like this place, anywhere near this place, so this must be@the place.
There is no royal road to geometry.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist... Mark Twain
There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
There is no such thing as a little garlic.
There is no such thing as not enough time if you are doing what you want to@do... Robert Half
There is no time like the present to postpone what you ought to be doing.
There is nothing like eating a Mimic.
There is nothing makes a man suspect much, more than to know little...@Francis Bacon
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
There is nothing so easy that it becomes difficult when done with@reluctance.
There is only one way to kill capitalism--by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us.
There seem to be monsters of touching benevolence.
There was things he stretched, but mainly he told the truth... Mark Twain
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
There's small choice in rotten apples.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
They offer counseling for people like you...
They say a gelatinous cube can paralyse you...
They say elephants never forget, of course what do they have to remember.
They say that a dagger hits.
They say that a dog avoids traps.
They say that a dog can be trained to fetch objects.
They say that a dog never steps on a cursed object.
They say that a spear will hit a Dragon.
They say that a spear will hit a neo-otyugh. (Do YOU know what that is?)
They say that a spear will hit a Xorn.
They say that a spear will hit an ettin.
They say that a two-handed sword misses.
They say that a unicorn might bring you luck.
They say that an elven cloak may be worn over your armor.
They say that an elven cloak protects against magic.
They say that cavemen seldom find tins in the dungeon.
They say that dead lizards protect against a cockatrice.
They say that Elven cloaks absorb enchantments.
They say that killing a shopkeeper brings bad luck.
They say that monsters never step on a scare monster scroll.
They say that only david can find the zoo!
They say that shopkeepers often have a large amount of money in their purse.
They say that the owner of the dungeon might change it slightly.
They say that the use of dynamite is dangerous.
They say that the walls in shops are made of extra hard material.
They say that there is a big treasure hidden in the zoo!
They say that there is a message concealed in each fortune cookie.
They say that there is a trap on this level!
They say that throwing food at a wild dog might tame him.
They say that you can meet old friends in the caves.
They say that you can't take your pick-axe into a shop.
They say that you cannot trust scrolls of rumour.
They say that you need a key in order to open locked doors.
Things are not always what they seem.
Things past redress and now with me past care.
Things will be brighter tonight. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Things won't get any better, so get use to it.
Things won't get any better, so get used to it.
Things work better when plugged in.
Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click".
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Third Law of Hacking: the last blow counts most.
This afternoon is favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
This dungeon is restroom equipped (for your convenience).
This fortune cookie is property of Fortune Cookies, Inc.
This fortune every third, but it still comprehensible.
This fortune intentionally left blank.
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
This fortune is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
This fortune will not come true.
This fortune will self destruct in 5 years.
This is a good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my@Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza, with sausage and@mushroom. Jim, come and get me
This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get@back to you.
This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped out@and his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip
This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped out@and his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I@believe. Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
This is not a fortune.
This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, meet me@at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five hundred dollars, and come@alone. I'm serious!
This is the day for firm decisions Or is it?
This is the Leprechaun Law: every purse has a price.
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
This place has everything.
This sentance has threee errors.
This sentence contains ten words, eighteen syllables, and sixty-four@letters.
This sentence no verb.
This space unintentionally left blank.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
This terminal will self destruct in 10 seconds.
This unit ... must ... survive.
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Those who are quick in deciding are in danger of being mistaken...@Sophocles
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, teach gym.
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
Thou hast seen nothing yet.
Throwing food at a wild dog might tame him.
Time as he grows old teaches all things.
Time flies like arrow; fruit flies like banana.
Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen at once.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
Time wounds all heels.
Time: nature's way of keeping everything from happeningallatonce.
Tin openers are rare indeed.
Tired of irritating bats? Try a scroll of silence.
To add insult to injury.
To air is human to forgive divine.
To all virgins: thanks for nothing.
To be overbusy is a witless task... Sophocles
To be perfect is to have changed often... J. H. Newman
To be wise, the only thing you need to know is when to say "I don't know."
To be wrong all the time is an effort, but some manage it... @William Feather
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To climb the ladder of success you must get through the crowd at the bottom.
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the@competent.
To do easily what is difficult for others is the mark of talent...@H. F. Amiel
To do nothing is to be nothing.
To do two things at once is to do neither.
To err is human, to forgive is out of the question.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer... Anon
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
To have died once is enough.
To hit or not to hit, that is the question.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
To keep your friends, treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To light a candle is to cast a shadow.
To love is good, love being difficult.
To measure up to all that is demanded of him, a man must overestimate his@capacities... Goethe
To reach heaven, escape the dungeon while wearing a ring of levitation.
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
To sleep, perchance to R.E.M.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
To the landlord belong the doorknobs.
To use violence is to already be defeated.
Today is a bad day to give to charity.
Today is a good day for you to jump in a lake.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking official.
Today is a good day to overcome obstacles. Enter a steeplechase.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Todays a good day to bribe a high-ranking official.
Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Toothglue (well, isn't glue the same as paste?)
Tranquillizers might get you killed.
Travel fast, use some magic speed!
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
Treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
Tripe on its own is revolting, but with onions it's delicious!
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
Troubled day for beautiful wealthy virgins over 16 living in eucalyptus@trees.
True happiness will be found only in true love.
Truth can never be told so as to be understood and not be understood...@William Blake
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
Try hacking in the wee hours: you will have more room.
Try the fall back end run play against ghosts.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Trying to establish voice contact--please yell into keyboard.
Two heads are better than one.
Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
UFO's are real. The Air Force doesn't exist.
UFOs are for real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist.
Ulch, that meat was painted.
Under every stone lurks a politician.
Undetectable errors are infinite; detectable errors by definition are@finite.
UNIX soit qui mal y pense
UNKNOWN CP/CMS COMMAND
Unless a man had the talents to make something of himself, freedom is an@irksome burden... E. Hoffer
Unless one is a genius, it is best to aim at being intelligible... @Anthony Hope
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
Unwanted mail? Sell it to the bookshop!
Up your accumulator.
Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never@where it isn't.
Useful knowledge is a great support for intuition... Charles B. Rogers
Vampires hate garlic.
Variables won't, Constants aren't.
Vault guards always make sure you aren't a shopkeeper.
Vault guards never disturb their Lords.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Vini, vidi, vici.
Violence is the last recourse of the incompetent.
Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
Visitors are requested not to apply genocide to shopkeepers.
Vote Anarchist.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
WALKIE-TALKIE: a cross between a centipede and a parrot.
Wanna fly? Eat a bat.
Want a hint? Zap a wand of make invisible on your weapon!
Want fun? Throw a potion in a pool and go swimming!
Want to conserve your dead corpses? Go to the tin factory!
Wanted: shopkeepers. Send a scroll of mail to: Mage of Yendor@Level 35/Dungeon.
War is the last refuge of incompetent statesmen.
War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
WARNING from H.M. Govt: Quaffing may be dangerous to your health.
Warning: end of file 'fortunes' reached.
Warning: people who eat dragons can go to hell!!
Warranty and guaranty clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
Watch out for low flying seagulls.
Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
Watch your steps on staircases.
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
We are not a clone.
We are not alone.
We are the knights who say, "NIE"
We as managers face problems from outside forces which we consider punitive.@often we have brought them on ourselves by our failure to be concerned...@J. Keith Louden
We cannot argue that loose thinking is superstition when practiced by the@laity and merely the lesser cry of poor scientific style when practiced by@the clinician... Anon
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
We get into the habit of living before acquiring the habit of thinking...@Albert Camus
We have got to get organized!
We have to get organized
We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is@staggering.
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at@all.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
We used to make jokes about plates of food that looked like you.
We work to become, not to acquire... Elbert Hubbard
We'll be back to Nick Danger after this message.
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu.
We're all over it, like a cheap suit.
Wear armor, going naked seems to offend public decency in here.
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends!
Welcome to the Future It's just starting now ...
Welcome to The Machine.
Well begun is half done.
Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
What a friend we have in cheeses.
What a pity, you cannot read it!
What cannot be eaten must be civilized... Peter Taylor
What do you think is the use of dead lizards?
What do you think would be the use of a two handed sword called "Orcrist" ?
What is food to one, it to others bitter poison.
What is Life? It's the cereal Mikey likes.
What is santas postal code? h0h 0h0... D. Woodhouse
What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his@way?
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
What soon grows old? Gratitude.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
What this world needs is a computer that can figure out all the things in@life that do not add up... Annon
What we have he-ere is a failure to cah-municate!
What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history.
What will a nice girl do? She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
What's all this brouhaha?
What's done to children, they will do to society.
What's so funny?
What's the matter, you're not insecure enough already?
What's wrong, you lose my number?
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland.
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
When a fellow says "It isn't the money, it's the principle of the thing" -@it's the money.
When a hammer is the only tool, every problem looks like a nail.
When a piercer drops in on you, you will be tempted to hit the ceiling!
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee@them.
When government remedies do not match your problem, you must modify the@problem not the solution.
When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
When in a maze follow the right wall and you will never get lost.
When in a shop, do as shopkeepers do.
When in doubt, follow your heart.
When in doubt, lead trump.
When in doubt, leave out the adjective.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
When in doubt, take all the defaults.
When it rains, it pours.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
When punished, watch your steps on the stairs!
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
When the plane you're on is late, the plane you need to transfer to is on@time.
When the sun shineth, make hay.
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools...@Shakespeare
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
When working a problem, it helps to know the answer.
When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose.
When you are alone you are all your own... Leonardo da Vinci
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are used to never being alone, you may consider yourself@Americanized.
When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.
When you finally discover all of Life's answers, they'll change the@questions.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
When you have a key, you don't have to wait for the guard.
When you have seen one killer bee, you have seen them all.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you mention something, if it's bad, it happens, if it's good, it goes@away.
When you're in command, command.
When your dog follows you through a trap door, don't hit it!
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where do you think all those demons come from? From Hell, of course.
Where do you think the hell is located? It must be deep, deep down.
Where I come from they shoot people like you.
Where the hell is Wall Drug?
Where there's a whip there's a way.
Which is not a complete sentence, but merely a subordinate clause.
While there's life, there's hope.
Who cares anyway?
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
Who has more leisure than a worm... Seneca
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Who should ever have thought one could live from eating fog clouds?
Who to himself is law no law doth need, offends no law, and is a king@indeed.
Who was Bruce Clarke?
Who was Dan Walsh?
Who was Dave Cardinal?
Who was Eric Corwin?
Who was Evan Adams?
Who was John Spiller?
Who was Karl Danz?
Who was Lorrie Duval?
Who was Mark Linton?
Who was Paul Bijnens?
Who was Paul Darius?
Who was Steve Saperstein?
Who was Thelonious Monk?
Who was Tom Lyon?
Who was Wim Brems?
Who works achieves and who sows reaps... Arab Proverb
Who's scruffy looking?
Whoops, stepped on a frog.
Why a "2" for the postman? Well, how many times does he ring?
Why are there no blue M&M's?
Why are you bothering me?
Why are you looking for more knowledge when you do not pay attention to what@you already know?
Why do we study poverty instead of wealth?
Why do you have so much quickness of movement if not to avoid@responsibility?
Why does love got to be so sad?
Why does love have to be so sad?
Why does opportunity always knock at the least opportune moment?
Why is it that when your finally in bed. You think about going to the@bathroom and can't get get to sleep unless you go.
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
Why should one ever throw an egg to a cockatrice?
why they gave me men's shirts but they're going back.
Why would anybody in his sane mind engrave "Elbereth" ?
will be cut off indefinitely at ten o'clock ---that's two minutes from now.
Will had a fortune the other day, but he forgot it.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wise man see more from bottom of well than fool from mountain top.
Wise man see more from mountain top than fool from bottom of well.
Wish for a master key and open the Magic Memory Vault!
Wish for a pass-key and pass all obstacles!
Wish for a skeleton-key and open all doors!
Wishing too much may bring you too little.
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
With great effort, you move the rug aside, revealing a trap door.
with sausage and mushroom. Jim, come and get me
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
Without the management of time, you will soon have nothing left to manage...@W.D. Reiff
Wizards do not sleep.
WNG FROM OPERATOR: THE SYSTEM WILL NOT GO DOWN IN 5 MINUTES.
WNG FROM OPERATOR: YOU HAVE S O M E NERVE LOGGING ON AGAIN AFTER WHAT YOU@JUST DID!
Words are the voice of the heart.
Words have a longer life than deeds.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it@for tomorrow... Don Herold
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
Wow! I could've had a V/8!
Write all adverbial forms correct.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet.
Yes, I did get a new camera, and I photographed my father and his pick-up.@And I told him I'd show it to mother if he didn't let me use the car.
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there.
You are a bundle of energy always on the go.
You are a prehistoric gastropod.
You are a quivering blob of protoplasm.
You are a singer who has to take any note above A with your eyebrows.
You are a small plastic baggie full of moldy scrapings and dragon drool.
You are a very redundant person; that's what kind of person you are,@redundant.
You are always busy.
You are an insult to my intelligence I demand that you log off immediately.
You are as graceful as a de-boned crayfish.
You are being watched. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You are capable of planning your future.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are connected t
bp*l an error free line.
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You are fair-minded, just and loving.
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
You are fast approaching your level of incompetence.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are heading for head-stone for sure.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all different.
You are in an open field west of a big white house with a boarded front@door.
You are just the kind of bad food some monsters like to digest.
You are lustworthy.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SEND SUCH COMMANDS
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever... John P. Grier
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery.
You are so narrowminded you can see through a keyhole with two eyes.
You are standing on my toes.
You are taking advantage of the good nature of a friend. Be careful.
You are taking yourself too seriously.
You are the lop-eared son of a Wulcan vater beetle.
You are the natural son of a Denebian slime-devil.
You are the sort of person people emigrate to avoid.
You are too narrowminded if you can see through a keyhole with both eyes.
You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty.
You are truly a rhinestone in the rough.
You are unscrupulously dishonest, false, and deceitful.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme@stupidity.
You auto buy now.
You can always wear an elven cloak.
You can be replaced by this computer.
You can be sure that when a man begins to call himself a realist he is@preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of... Sydney Harris
You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth@is concerned.
You can eat what your dog can eat.
You can get a genuine Amulet of Yendor by doing the following: -- more --
You can get a new lease on life. Now if you only can come up with the first@and last month's rent.
You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.
You can often profit from being at a loss for words... Frank Tyger
You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.
You can't change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty@minutes.
You can't cheat the phone company.
You can't even cut the cheese.
You can't fool me--there ain't no sanity clause.
You can't get rid of a cursed plate mail with a can-opener.
You can't get there from here.
You can't get to Heaven on roller skates.
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly--only sooner than she thought you would.
You can't leave a shop through the back door: there ain't one!
You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even get out of the game.
You cannot antagonize and influence at the same time.
You cannot be beautiful and hate... Bess Myerson
You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do... Henry Ford
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot ride a long worm.
You cannot see farther than others by standing on the feet of giants.
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
You cannot succeed by criticising others.
You cannot succeed by criticizing others.
You cannot trust scrolls of rumour.
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
You could get a new lease on life, to bad you also need the first and last@month in advance.
You couldn't get a job as a firing squad target.
You die...
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
You do well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is@involved.
You don't give a damn about apathy.
You don't have mail.
You don't know what you want, and are willing to go through hell to get it.
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
You dream of things that aren't and ask "why not?".
You enjoy the company of other people.
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
You feel greedy and want more gold? Why don't you try digging?
You feel like a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You feel like someone is pulling your leg.
You get lost trying to go crazy.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You get what you pay for.
You hate mail.
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
You have a massage. (From the Swedish prime minister.)
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
You have a truly strong individuality.
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have an important role as a negative example.
You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have fallen so far behind, there is no reason to log in.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
You have mail.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
You have no real enemies.
You have only a very small head and must live within it.
You have the aptitude of a stale spaghetti noodle.
You have the brains of a libidinous cattle-prod.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and your going to learn a@lot today.
You have the charisma of deep-fried triceratops.
You have the good looks of a pregnant water buffalo.
You have the intelligence of the president of Harvard.
You have the personality of a damp sponge.
You have the popularity of bubonic plague.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You have the tact of an amorous hunk of Play-Doh.
You have the talent of a moldy sweat sock.
You have the taste of a lobotomized squirrel.
You have the wisdom of King Solomon's pet horse, Herman.
You have the wit of a rancid squash.
You have to outwit a Sphynx or pay her.
You haven't a single redeeming vice.
You humans are all alike.
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
You know you're getting old when: you sit down to breakfast and hear SNAP,@CRACKLE, POP! and you havn't poured the milk on the cereal yet!
You lack.
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You love peace.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You may already be a wiener
You may get rich selling letters, but beware of being blackmailed!
You may get the message old age is creeping up on you when you no longer@have the need to avoid temptations. They avoid you!
You may have a kick from kicking a little dog.
You may now log in to life. Password:
You might choke on your food by eating fortune cookies.
You might cut yourself on a long sword.
You might have mail.
You might trick a shopkeeper if you're invisible.
You must make a habit of thinking in terms of a definite objective...@J. Hh. Patterson
You need a key in order to open locked doors.
You need not worry about your future.
You never find an article until you replace it.
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
You now have Asian Flu.
You offend Shai-Hulud by sheathing your crysknife without having drawn@blood.
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme@caution.
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
You say that now, but try chewing a child the next time you're car sick.
You say things with your eyes that others waste time putting into words.
You scored an excellent hit on the Giant Ant.
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
You shot the Wumpus!
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
You should hardly ever equivocate.
You should use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion.
You shouldn't touch a pig unless it hasn't been in the mud.
You still need the last file you removed.
You tread upon my patience.
You used to be indecisive. Now you're not sure.
You want a fortune? I'll give you a fortune. "Blech"
You want to regain strength? Two levels ahead is a guesthouse!
You were an accident.
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
You will be awarded some great honor.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize--posthumously.
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You will be dishonest, thoughtless, and lack many qualities needed to@prosper in life.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank@robbery.
You will be invited to dine with many important people. Once.
You will be married within a year.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be squirrely today.
You will be successful in love.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be surrounded by luxury.
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
You will be where you most desire to be in a short while.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will die of terminal acne.
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will find what is not last and enter where there are no doors.
You will forget that you ever knew me.
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You will gain money by an illegal or immoral action.
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
You will have a flat tire before the end of the month.
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will have a long and healthy life.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
You will have long and healthy life.
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will inherit millions of dollars.
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
You will know happy motorcyclist by the bug stains on his teeth.
You will live by the side of the road and help some pilgrim along life's@way.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
You will lose an important file.
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
You will never know hunger.
You will not be elected to public office this year.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
You will outlive those who seek to destroy you.
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
You will receive a legacy that will place you above want.
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
You will receive an unexpected promotion, maybe even on prime-time TV.
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
You will soon forget this.
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You will soon meet a stranger who will become your friend.
You will soon meet a strangler who will become your fiend.
You will spend the rest of your life in the future.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will survive the conflagration.
You will take a long journey. Remember to export your variables.
You will triumph over your enemy.
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
You will wish you hadn't.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You'll be sorry.
You'll need a spear if you want to attack a Dragon.
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
You're at Witt's End.
You're my hero
You're never too old to rock 'n' roll, if you're too young to die.
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
You've been leading a dogs life, stay off the furniture.
You've got people in line waiting to insult you; but YOU need a computer?
You've got to know how to put out a yellow light.
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.
Your admission to this university was a terrible mistake.
Your aim is high and to the right.
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
Your business will assume vast proportions.
Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your disk will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
Your dog can buy cheaper than you do.
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Your enemies are closing in.
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Your kindness and generosity cause envy in a powerful person nearby.
Your life means nothing to me.
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
Your love life will be interesting.
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
Your mission (should you decide to accept it) is to make CMS look like UNIX.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new@developments.
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
Your most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries
Your mouth works faster than your brain. You say things you haven't even@thought of yet.
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
Your new BITNET nickname: slimepuddle.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
Your present plans will be successful.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your resume will be used on the "Tonight Show" monologue.
Your sense of humor is nearly as bad as mine.
Your shortcomings are self-evident: I'm not going to point them out for@you.
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
Your step will soil many countries.
Your sword begins to glow with an erie blue light.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Your temporary financial embarassment will be relieved in a surprising@manner.
Your winning smile is your greatest asset.
Your work is very poor, but at least it's slow.
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
Zapping a wand of Nothing Happens doesn't harm you a bit.
Zapping a wand of undead turning might bring your dog back to life.
2B ^2B, that is the question.
22nd century T-shirt: Disco STILL sucks.
23. ... r-q1
80 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot, including this one...@K. E. Iverson
Don't change color to match the walls. Look like you belong and the walls@will change color to match you.@ --- old kender proverb@ --- Time of the twins, Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman.@
It must be wonderfull being a mage, zooming through time and space and@closed doors.@ --- Tasslehoff Burrfoot@ --- Time of the twins, Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman.
"Tell me, is this Heaven?"@"no, it's Iowa."@"Iowa... I could have >sworn< it was Heaven."
A penny saved is a penny earned. A dollar saved is an enormous temptation.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
Histroy repeats itself; Historians repeat each other.
I always have fun because I am out of my mind!!
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
The honeymoon is that short period of doting between dating and debting.
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's@transparency.
The Tree of Learing bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
Time Bandits, can you return me to the start of the semester.
"Drop from AU" is just VM's way of saying "Booga, Booga!!"
Cancel request cancelled by operator.
If love is the answer, what is the question?
You can cage a swallow, can't you? But you can't swallow a cage, can you?
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I think, therefore I am paid.
I THINK I EXIST; THEREFORE , I MAY BE
If you think ... stop it.
God is love and love is blind.
Many pages make a crowded castle.
Counting in Octal is just like counting in decimal if you do not use your@thumbs.
Unhappy is the man who has no nails with which to scratch his head.
He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other@again.
Time is the natural's way in making sure that everyting does not happen all@at once.
Pressure is the NORMAL force acting upon an engineer.
"In times of crisis one must not lose one's head." --- Marie Antoinette.
If time heals all wounds, why does the belly button stay the same?
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he@sings.
Computer programmers do it recusively.
Computer scientists do it in stacks.
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
He who laughs last probably does not understand the joke
Never drink from your finger bowl --- it contains only water
If at first you dont succeed ... forget it!
Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses has srroneous supposes
You see this period? --> . That is you! Watch others' steps.
Q: How do you seperate the men from the boys in Greece?@A: With a crowbar.
...and rings may protect your fingers.
...and sometimes a piercer drops by.
* Bell Laboratories is a trademark of Bell Laboratories.
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
*&@
!!!
-- more --
: is not an identifier
"How are things?" "Just as they are."
"INVALID CMS COMMAND" is just VM's way of saying "Booga, Booga!"
"is a sentence fragment" is a sentence fragment.
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"Quit" is a four letter word.
"So when I die, the first thing I will see in Heaven is a score list?"
"That's user, u s r, and then there's a space ..."
"To be, or not to be."--Hamlet "Oo-bee-oo-bee-oo."--Sinatra
"Wayne Newton is," he says, "an example of what America can be."
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
"yields a falsehood when preceded by it's quotation" yields a falsehood when@preceded by it's quotation.
"You mean I can send mail to myself?"
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.
A beautiful woman will enrich your life soon.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure.
A chameleon imitating a postman often delivers scrolls of fire.
A chameleon imitating a postman sometimes delivers scrolls of punishment.
A childs education should begin at least 100 years before he is born...@Oliver Wendell Holmes
A classic is something everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to@read... Mark Twain
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A clove of garlic a day keeps your best friends away.
A cockatrice's corpse is guaranteed to be untainted!
A company is known by the men it keeps.
A confused acid blob may attack.
A dead lizard is a good thing to turn undead.
A dead man cannot bite.
A decision occurs when one abandons the obvious for the possible...@P. Taylor
A dragon is just a Snake that ate a scroll of fire.
A fading corridor enlightens your insight.
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
A gift of flour will soon be made to you.
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet.
A glowing potion is too hot to drink.
A good amulet may protect you against guards.
A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows@something... Wilson Mizner
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her@confidence.
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
A homunculus wouldnt want to hurt a wizard.
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
A jaguar shouldn't frighten you.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
A king's castle is his home.
A large dog will have a surprising effect on your life.
A lie in time saves nine.
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
A limerick packs laughs anatomical; Into a space that is quite economical.;@But the good ones I've seen; So seldom are clean,; And the clean ones so@seldom are comical.
A long worm can be defined recursively. So how should you attack it?
A long worm hits with all of its length.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A magic vomit pump is a necessity for gourmands.
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams... John Barrymore
A man shall never be enriched by envy... Thomas Draxe
A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man with one watch knows what time it is--with two watches he is never@sure.
A man with 3 buttocks.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A man, a plan, a canal. Suez!
A manager would rather live with a problem that he cannot solve than accept@a solution that he does not understand... G. Woolsey
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A monstrous mind is a toy for ever.
A moose once bit my sister.
A muth once bit my sister.
A nurse a day keeps the doctor away.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A person who knows only one side of a question knows little of that...@J. S. Mill
A plucked goose does not lay golden eggs.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A potion of blindness makes you see invisible things.
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
A project not worth doing at all is not worth doing well.
A Quasit is even faster than a jaguar!
A random insult.
A rape a day keeps the virgins away.
A relationship is like a shark. It has to keep moving forward or it dies.
A ring is just a wound wand.
A ring of adornment protects against Nymphs.
A ring of conflict is a bad thing if there is a nurse in the room.
A ring of extra ringfinger is useless if not enchanted.
A ring of stealth can be recognised by that it does not teleport you.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
A rope may form a trail in a maze.
A rumour has it that rumours are just rumours.
A scroll of enchant amulet is only useful on your way back.
A shortcut is the longest path between two points.
A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk.
A sine curve goes off into infinity or at least to the end of the@blackboard.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people... Victor Borge
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A smoky potion surely affects your vision.
A snake lurks in the grass.
A spear might hit a nurse.
A spear will hit an ettin.
A staff may recharge if you drop it for awhile.
A stitch in time saves nine.
A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A thing is worth precisely what it can do for you, not what you choose to@pay for it... John Ruskin
A tin of smoked eel is a wonderful find.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
A two-handed sword usually misses.
A unicorn can be tamed only by a fair maiden.
A violent man will die a violent death.
A visit to the Zoo is very educational; you meet interesting animals.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
A wand of deaf is a more dangerous weapon than a wand of sheep.
A wand of vibration might bring the whole cave crashing about your ears.
A well-known friend is a treasure.
A winner never quits. A quitter never wins.
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A word to the wise is enough.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
A xan is a small animal. It doesn't reach higher than your leg.
Ability is useless unless it is used... Robert Half
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Abstain from beans.
Abstainer -- a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself.
Abstenence makes the heart grow fonder.
Abstention makes the heart grow fonder.
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in reality.
Acid blobs should be attacked bare-handed.
Activity makes more mens fortunes than cautiousness...@Marquis de Vauvenargues
Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later.
Adolescence is that period of time between puberty and adultery.
Advancement in position.
Adversity makes men, prosperity monsters... French Proverb
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
Affairs with Nymphs are often very expensive.
Afraid of falling piercers? Wear a helmet!
Afraid of Mimics? Try to wear a ring of true seeing.
After being attacked by a Harpy you have a lot of arrows.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the@morning.
Ahah!
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Aleph sub alpha is the alpha'th aleph.
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
All art is but imitation of nature.
All art is quite useless.
All great discoveries are made by accident.
All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy in its own way...@Leo Tolstoy
All hope abandon, ye who enter here.
All is well that ends well.
All laws are basically false.
All machines are amplifiers.
All men know the utility of useful things, but not know the utility of@futility.
All monsters are created evil, but some are more evil than others.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
All trends towards Chaos.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All wise men share one trait in common, the ability to listen... Frank@Tyger
Allen's Axiom: when all else fails, read the instructions.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Always attack a floating Eye from behind!
Always be aware of the phase of the moon!
Always cut the cards.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
Always read the info about a monster before dealing with it.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Always sweep the floor before engraving important messages.
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
America had often been discovered before columbus, it had just been hushed@up... Wilde
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to@decadence without touching civilization.
AMOEBIT: cross between an amoeba and a rabbit: This strange creature@multiplies and divides at the same time.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
Amulets are hard to make. Even for a wand of wishing.
An artist should be fit for the best society and kept out of it.
An atom blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
An elven cloak is always the height of fashion.
An elven cloak protects against magic.
An ettin is hard to kill; an imp is hard to hit. See the difference?
An expert is someone who knows no more than you do, but who has it better@organized and uses slides.
An honest God is the noblest work of man.
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An Umber hulk can be a confusing sight.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Anchovies? You've got the wrong man! I spell my name DANGER! (click)
and now he wants to charge it to you. You gonna pay it?
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And now for something completely different.
And now for something completely normal.
And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.
And they're off!
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
Anger is a prelude to courage... Eric Hoffer
Another of Murphys Laws: it is impossible to make anything foolproof,@because fools are so ingenious.
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
Antelope freeway - 1/4 mile.
Anthony's Law of Force: do not force it, get a larger hammer.
Antimatter doesn't matter as a matter of fact... Piggins
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Any shrine is better than self-worship.
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger@object.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined... Annon
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
Appearances often are deceiving.
Application programming is for feebs who can't do system programming.
Are we not men?
Are you a turtle?
Are you blind? Catch a floating Eye!
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Army Axiom: an order that can be misunderstood, will be misunderstood...@Anon
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
As they say in France, "Qu'est ce qu'on dit en Am{rique?"
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...and you hear maniacal laughter in the@distance.
Asking about monsters may be very useful.
at his convenience? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Attack long worms from the rear - that is so much safer!
Attacking an eel when there is none usually is a fatal mistake!
Autocracy is based on the theorem that one man is smarter than many.
Automobile: a mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Average managers are concerned with methods, opinions, precedents.. Good@managers are concerned with solving problems...Anon
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid colloquial stuff.
Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
Avoid letting temper block progress, keep cool... William Feather
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Aw come on, that tickles!!
Badness comes in waves.
Balrogs only appear on the deeper levels.
BASIC is to computer programming as "qwerty" is to typing.
Be alert, the world needs more lerts.
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
Be braver. You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that@cannot bear inspection.
Be careful when eating bananas. Monsters might slip on the peels.
Be careful when eating salmon - your fingers might become greasy.
Be careful when the moon is in its last quarter.
Be careful when throwing a boomerang - you might hit the back of your head.
Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Be cheerful while you are alive.
Be happy with the real pleasures in life.
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes, nothing is safe while the@legislature is in session.
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Be nice to a nurse: put away your weapon and take off your clothes.
Be seeing you.
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Be sure to treat your assumptions as though they are reality.
Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not@costly.
Beam me up Scotty!
Beat it, banjo-brains!
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Beauty seldom recommends one to another.
Because the wine remembers.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Bees are not as busy as we think they are, they just cannot buzz any@slower... Abe Martin
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Beggars should be no choosers.
Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse.
Behind every argument is someones ignorance... Louis Brandeis
Behind your back, your colleagues are talking about Jeckyl and Hyde.
Being digested is a painfully slow process.
Being natural is simply a pose.
Better go home and hit your kids. They are just little monsters!
Better go home and play with your kids. They are just little monsters!
Better late than never.
Better leave the dungeon, otherwise you might get hurt badly.
Better to send ten ambulances when they are not needed than one when it is.
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
Between the choice of two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried@before.@ -- Mae West
Between two evils, always pick the one you never tried before.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Beware of Bigfoot!
Beware of dark rooms - they may be the Morgue.
Beware of death rays!
Beware of falling rocks, wear a helmet!
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
Beware of Geeks bearing grifts.
Beware of hungry dogs!
Beware of low flying butterflies.
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
Beware of the minotaur. He's very horny!
Beware of the potion of Nitroglycerine - it's not for the weak of heart.
Beware of wands of instant disaster.
Beware the legless man who teaches running.
Beware the thirty-first of November.
Beware: there's always a chance that your wand explodes as you try to zap@it!
Beyond the 23-rd level lies a happy retirement in a room of your own.
Big book, big bore.
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
Biography is the fallacy of intention... Peter Taylor
Biology ... it grows on you.
Biz is better.
Blackberries are red when they are green.
Blah.
Blank scrolls make more interesting reading.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed is the man who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to@worry at night... Leo Aikman
Blind? Eat a carrot!
Bluegrass is not just a weed.
Booksellers never read scrolls; it might carry them too far away.
Booksellers never read scrolls; it might leave their shop unguarded.
Bowlers ball harder.
Boyles Law: if not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he@submerges.
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
bring five hundred dollars, and come alone. I'm serious!
Buffalo is not just the name of an animal.
Bug off, band-aid-brains!
Build a system even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
Bumper sticker on nuclear war: if you have seen one, you have seen them@all.
Bumper sticker: Also seen: IBM PC's eat Apples!
Bumper sticker: Archaeologists will date any old thing.
Bumper sticker: BE REALISTIC: Plan for a miracle
Bumper sticker: BUREAUCRACY: a method for transforming energy into solid@waste.
Bumper sticker: DANGER! I drive like you do.
Bumper sticker: do los angeles a favor. when you leave, take someone with@you.
Bumper sticker: does the name pavlov ring a bell?
Bumper sticker: eschew obfuscation
Bumper sticker: fight organized crime, stamp out the irs
Bumper sticker: god's last name isn't dammit!
Bumper sticker: have you harrased a tourist today?
Bumper sticker: Have you hugged your money today?
Bumper sticker: Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
Bumper sticker: honk if you're cute, rich, & love horses
Bumper sticker: i brake for brick walls
Bumper sticker: I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold
Bumper sticker: i hate bumper stickers
Bumper sticker: I love, I owe, so off to work I go.
Bumper sticker: I refuse to participate in the RECESSION
Bumper sticker: I'm not FOR apathy and I'm not AGAINST it.
Bumper sticker: I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!
Bumper sticker: i've been to the shop that sells bumper stickers
Bumper sticker: IF U [heart] NY GO BACK!
Bumper sticker: ignore apathy
Bumper sticker: Illiterate? Write for free help.
Bumper sticker: Illiterate? Write for free information.
Bumper Sticker: Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children.
Bumper sticker: JazzerSleep
Bumper sticker: kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray
Bumper sticker: leave me alone i'm having a crisis
Bumper sticker: lemmings don't grow older, they just die
Bumper sticker: love thy neighbor, tune thy piano
Bumper sticker: my other car is a real ota
Bumper sticker: On a well worn, ca 1967 Volkswagen: Driver Carries No Cash
Bumper sticker: one soviet invasion can ruin your whole day
Bumper sticker: pass with care, driver chewing tobacco
Bumper sticker: Prosperity is our God given right
Bumper sticker: Real People Wear Fake Furs.
Bumper sticker: Save an alligator; shoot a preppi
Bumper sticker: save the chocolate moose!
Bumper sticker: Seen near the Stanford Linear Accelerator: Beware of@Quantum Ducks, Quark! Quark!
Bumper sticker: Seen on a plummer's truck: In my business, a flush beats a@full house.
Bumper sticker: Seen on a Saab: Key Mow
Bumper sticker: Seen on cars in Apple Computer parking lots --- Honk if you@hate the IBM PC
Bumper sticker: Speed Pays -- the doctor, the hospital, the mortuary.
Bumper sticker: Subject: Bumper sticker du jour
Bumper sticker: Support mental health, or I'll kill you!
Bumper sticker: support your right to arm bears!
Bumper sticker: the trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
Bumper sticker: the best thing to spend on your children is time
Bumper sticker: The highway of life is always under construction
Bumper sticker: The San Diego Freeway.... Official Parking Lot of the 1984@Olympics!
Bumper sticker: WARP 6 A Law We Can Live With
Bumper sticker: welcome to los angeles now go home
Bumper sticker: when i grow up, i want to be a porsche
Bumper sticker: XEROX: Your BUREAUCRACY is our business.
Bumper sticker: You have a seatbelt; has it hugged you today?
Bumper sticker: 3 good things about school: june, july, august
Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies... Balzac
Bureaucratic organization is like a septic tank: the big chunks rise to the@top.
Burger's three laws of the universe: 1. Nothing travels faster than a bad@check. 2. An ounce of chocolate is four pounds of fat. 3. Dark dirt is@attracted to light objects, and light dirt is attracted to dark objects.
But Captain--the engines can't take this much longer
But I don't like Spam
But you shall not escape my iambics.
Buy low, sell high.
Buy Amdahl Stock to go up 100 points next week.
Buzz off, bagel-brains!
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be far apart.
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
By the yard, life is hard. By the inch, it's a cinch.
Californians are not without their faults.
Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
Catch you next year when I get back
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education... Mark Twain
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Celebrate Hannibal Day today. Take an elephant to lunch.
Celibacy is hereditary.
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543
Change is what people fear most... Dostoievski
Changing your suit without dropping your sword? You must be kidding!
Character is the ligament holding together all other qualities... Arnold@Glasow
Charity begins at home.
Charm is a way of getting a "yes" without having asked any clear question.
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
Check again to make sure it's not loaded.
check. I'm sorry, but at midnight you're no longer licensed as an@investigator.
Chicken Little was right.
Children have more need of models than of critics.
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.@-- Mark Twain
Cockatrices might turn themselves to stone faced with a mirror.
Coffee in England is just toasted milk.
College football players today are amazing. They can do almost anything@with a football but sign it.
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom... Samuel@Taylor Coleridge
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
Complacency is the enemy of progress... Dave Stutman
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programers don't byte they nybble a bit.
Computer programers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers don't lie.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucious say: "I have no time for monks resisting the carnival"
Confusion is always increasing in society.
Confusticate and bebother these dwarves
Confusticate and bebother these dwarves!
Congratulations The pressure will stop soon.
Congratulations You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Congratulations You got the first fortune
Congratulations You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.
Congratulations! You got the first fortune!
Consider your reputation. Try changing your name and moving to a new town.
Constants aren't, variables don't.
Consumption of home-made food is strictly forbidden in this dungeon.
Convention is the ruler of all.
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of@genius.
Conway's Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who@knows what is going on... This person must be fired.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal if you don't use your@thumbs.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CPQ: FAAAA99 NOT LOGGED ON
CPQ: HAAAA02 NOT LOGGED ON
CPQ: NOONE -C1B
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
Create the impression that you have already reached your level of@incompetence.
Create your own opportunity. Blackmail a senior executive.
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
Cryogenics is cool... Piggins
Cure the disease and kill the patient.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
Cwm fjord-bank glyphs vext quiz.
Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward, they may be beaten, but they@may start a winning game... J. W. von Goethe
Dark gems are just coloured glass.
Dark room? Just flash often with your camera.
Dark room? Your chance to develop your photographs!
Dark rooms are not *completely* dark: just wait and let your eyes adjust...
Darth Vadar Only you would be so bold.
Darth Vader sleeps with a teddywookie.
DASD 191 DETACHED
Dave. Dave. My mind is going, Dave. I can feel it.
De borglie rules the wave, but heisenberg waived the rules... Piggins
De-accession euphemisms.
Dead lizards protect against a cockatrice.
Death has been proven to be 99 per cent fatal in laboratory rats.
Death is just around the next door.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is life's way of telling you, you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Decisions terminate panic.
Definition: computer science, the boring art of coping with a large number@of trivialities... The Devils DP Dictionary
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Democracy is a form of government that substitute election by the@incompetent many for the appointment by the corrupt few. -- G. B. Shaw
Democracy is based on the theorem that many men are smarter than one.
Denniston's Law: virtue is its own punishment.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Descend in order to meet more decent monsters.
Did you ever buy Wool Candy at the circus ?
Did you know gullible is not in the dictionary.
Did you know that clones don't have to use mirrors.
Did you know worms had teeth?
Didn't you forget to pay?
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Direct a direct hit on your direct opponent, directing in the right@direction.
Direct action produces direct reaction.
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
Disguise your feelings when you put your relatives on the plane for home.
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
Disk crisis, please clean up
Disk crunch - please clean up.
DMKPRG005I SYSTEM FAILURE, ALL DATA LOST.
DMSACC112S ' A (191) ' DEVICE ERROR
DMSACC113S ' A (191) ' NOT ATTACHED
DMSEDR107S DISK 'A(191)' IS FULL.
DMSNUTS002E FILE NOT FOUND
DMSNUTS004I NOTE ADDED TO ALL NOTEBOOK
DMSNUTS100A INVALID REPLY. ANSWER YES OR NO
DMSNUTS142I ERASE * * A SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED
DMSNUTS453A FORMAT WILL ERASE ALL FILES ON DISK A(191). DO YOU WISH TO@CONTINUE? (YESNO)
DMSNUTS733I FORMATTING DISK A
Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Do not be overly suspicious where it is not warranted.
Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Do not compromise yourself, you are all you have got... Janis Joplin
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon.
Do not kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Do not learn the tricks of the trade--learn the trade.
Do not lend money to a friend.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2@(II.a))
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do not speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Do not tell big lies. Small ones can be just as effective.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Do something big today: lift a boulder.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Do you enjoy being put down or something?
Do you have lysdexia?
Do you know Montana?
Do You understand our FLEMISCH Language? (Answer Schild or Vriend and press@ENTER)
Do you want to visit hell? Dig a *very* deep hole.
Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.
Documentation is like sex: When its good, its fantastic.. but when its@bad, its better than nothing... D. Brandon
Does anyone ever read these things?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dogs are attracted by the smell of tripe.
Dogs do not eat when the moon is full.
Dogs never step on cursed items.
Dogs of ghosts aren't angry, just hungry.
Doing gets it done.
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't bother about money: only Leprechauns and shopkeepers are interested.
Don't create fireballs: they might turn against you.
Don't crush that dwarf; hand me the pliers.
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
Don't eat too much: you might start hiccoughing!
Don't eat yellow snow.
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
Don't everyone thank me at once.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't force it; use a hammer.
Don't forget! Large dogs are MUCH harder to kill than little dogs.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't go surfing in south Dakota for a while!
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't I know you?
Don't learn the tricks of the trade - learn the trade.
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Don't overuse exclamation marks
Don't play hack at your work, your boss might hit you!
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking@through the valley of the shadow of death.
Don't sweat it, it's only ones and zeros.
Don't swim with weapons or armour: they might rust!
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Don't tell a soul you found a secret door, otherwise it isn't secret@anymore.
Don't throw gems. They are so precious! Besides, you might hit a roommate.
Don't use contractions in formal writing.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't vote--it only encourages them
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy@worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Don't worry, if everything worked right you'd be out of a job.
Don't you have a home to go to?
Double
Doubts and jealousies often beget the facts they fear... Thomas Jefferson
Down with ignurance
Draw from your fine command of language and say nothing.
Draw your salary before spending it.
Drink it down Spock, it's the "human" thing to do.
Drink Pepper, M.D.
Drinking might affect your health.
Drive defensively buy a tank.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Drop that pickle
Drop your vanity and get rid of your jewels! Pickpockets about!
Duck who fly upside down have quack up.
Due to impending collapse of the computer room ceiling, the system will be@unavalable for the next 2 weeks.
Dum volvo, video, disco.. as I turn, I see, I learn.. said of video disks
Dungeon expects every monster to do his duty.
Dust is an armor of poor quality.
Duty is what one expects from others.
E Pluribus Unix*.@* Unix is a trademark of Bell Laboratories.
E. coli eats s--t.
Each of us bears his own Hell.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends.
Eat a homunculus if you want to avoid sickness.
Eat 10 cloves of garlic and keep all humans at a two-square distance.
Eating a freezing sphere is like eating a yeti.
Eating a killer bee is like eating a scorpion.
Eating a tengu is like eating a Nymph.
Eating a Wraith is a rewarding experience!
Eating unpaid Leprechauns may be advantageous.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Economy makes men independent.
Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to@distinquish what is worth reading... G. M. Trevelyan
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
Eels hide under mud. Use a unicorn to clear the water and make them@visible.
Either do not attempt at all, or go through with it... Ovid
Either you're severely brain-damaged, or the new vacuum cleaner's arrived.
Elephant to naked man: How do you manage to breathe through that thing, let@alone pick up peanuts.
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
Eloquence is logic on fire.
Eloquence is vehement simplicity... Cecil
Elven cloaks cannot rust.
Engrave your wishes with a wand of wishing.
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Envy always implies conscious inferiority wherever it resides... Pliny
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
Eschew dialect, irregardless.
Eschew obfuscation.
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Ettore's observation: the other line moves faster.
Eureka
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still@plant my apple tree... Martin Luther
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the future comes one day at a time... W. Woodhouse
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Eventually all wands of striking do strike.
Eventually you will come to admire the swift elegance of a retreating nymph.
Ever fought with an enchanted tooth?
Ever heard hissing outside? I *knew* you hadn't!
Ever seen a leocrotta dancing the tengu?
Ever shoot an elephant in your pajamas?
Ever slept in the arms of a homunculus?
Ever tamed a shopkeeper?
Ever tried digging through a Vault Guard?
Ever tried enchanting a rope?
Ever tried to catch a flying boomerang?
Ever tried to put a Troll into a large box?
Ever wondered why one would want to dip something in a potion?
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
Every dog should be a domesticated one.
Every hand has only one finger to put a ring on. You've got only two hands.@So?
Every level contains a shop; only the entrance is often hidden.
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
Every man has his price. Every price has its man.
Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse.
Every purchase has its price.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Every why hath a wherefore.
Everybody loves to find fault, it gives a feeling of superiority... William@Feather
Everybody ought to have a friend.
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Everybody should have tasted a scorpion at least once in his life.
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile.
Everyone ought to have a maid.
Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in@their writing.
Everyone stopping by with unsought advice will see your mistake.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything cometh to him that waiteth, provided that he that waiteth worketh@as hard as hell while he waiteth... Anon
Everything goes wrong at once.
Everything put together, falls apart, sooner or later.
Everything should be transparent to the user.
Everything takes longer than you think it will.
Everything you know is wrong.
Everything's coming up roses.
Exactitude in small matters is the essence of discipline... Anon
Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other... Edmund@Burke
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excreto ergo sum.
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and@just before you realize what's wrong with it.
Expansion means complexity, and complexity decays.
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Expensive cameras have penetrating flashlights.
Experience ables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Express an opinion, but send advice by freight.
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character. Avoid it.
Extremes of fortune are fatal to folks of small dimensions... Arnold Glasow
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Fancy gizmos don't work.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
Feeding the animals is strictly prohibited. The Management.
Feeling lousy? Why don't you drink a potion of tea?
Field theories, unite!
Fiery letters might deter monsters.
FILE 'RANDOMC MEMO *' NOT FOUND.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Finster's Law: a closed mouth gathers no feet.
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to tightness of@schedule.
First Law of Hacking: leaving is much more difficult than entering.
First Law of Wing Walking: Never leave hold of what you have got until you@have got hold of something else.
First rule of history: history does not repeat itself, historians merely@repeat each other
Flappity, floppity, flip; The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip@revolved,; The mouse dissolved; In a chronodimensional skip.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it.
Follow the river and you will eventually find the sea.
For a good time, call 333-7685 after 4:00.
For adult education nothing beats children.
For any remedy there is a misery.
For best results, squeeze from the bottom of the tube.
For courage mounteth with occasion.
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will@like.
For thee the wonder working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
Force has no place where there is need of skill.
Fort Wayne is not the headquarters of F troop.
fortune: not found
Fourth Law of Hacking: you will find the exit at the entrance.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
Frankly, my dear Charlotte, I don't give a damn.
Free the Indianapolis 500.
Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frisbee players are ultimate lovers.
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
Fudd's First Law: "If you push something hard enough, it will fall over."
Function reject.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Future Product: ANDROMEDA STAIN - The hair colour that makes you look like@a star.
Future Product: CALCULATER - An adding machine for procrastinaters
Future Product: GOSSAMER DODO - The human powered airplane for those afraid@to fly.
Future Product: HYPER DIAPER - never needs changing; the load just passes@into another space/time.
Future Product: KODACLONE - duplicating film.
Future Product: MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup@team.
Future Product: PREPARATION A - Shrinks Asteroids.
Future Product: QUAN-TUMS - Immediate relief from unstable digestive@states.
Future Product: QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
Future Product: QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Future Product: SOLAR FLEXUS - Solar powered exercise equipment to flatten@stomach muscles.
Future Product: SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a@bit surprised.@ -- Dorothy Parker
"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned@showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this@corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."@ -- S. J. Perelman
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in@James Watt's office.@ -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10@apostles."
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream@and never be our destiny.@ -- Rene de Visme Williamson
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody@in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a@buzz-saw."@ -- W. C. Fields
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.@ -- Robert Burton
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,@Massaging the bust of his madam,@ He chuckled with mirth,@ For he knew that on earth,@There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
Incest, n.:@ Sibling revelry.
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be@classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The@Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital@lies."@ -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized@apoplexy.@ -- Edward P. Morgan
Kill a commie for Christ!
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,@all will end as doves.
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!@ @So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's@hard you get fucked.
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't@fruits and nuts is flakes.
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on@ ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"@ @(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"@ @Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
Missionary Position:@ The missionary on top.
"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a@boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:@ Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it@ stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around@with his head stuck up his ass.
"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of@saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,@drunk or sober."@ -- G. K. Chesterton
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my@family, it seems, begins where yours left off.@ -- Alexandre Dumas, pere
Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron ... seems he's making it hard for@everyone but her.
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether@she will or will not be a mother.@ -- Margaret H. Sanger
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."@ -- Woody Allen
Nothing is better than Sex.@Masturbation is better than nothing.@Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
O'Riordan's Theorem:@ Brains x Beauty = Constant.@ @Purmal's Corollary:@ As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,@ availability goes to zero.
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
Ocean, n.:@ A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for@ man -- who has no gills.
Once a young gay from Khartoum@Took a lesbian up to his room.@ They argued all night@ Over who had the right@To do what, and with which, and to whom.
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has@occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.@ -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent@ Life in the Universe"
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to@look at the other guy's.@ -- Hal Hickman
Overheard in a bar:@Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"@Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world@citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.@ -- Norman Cousins
Physicists do it with charm
Politicians do it to everyone.
Posterity will ne'er survey@A nobler grave than this;@Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;@Stop, traveler, and piss.@ -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and@still come out ahead.
Q: How do you play religious roulette?@A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck@ by lightning first.
Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your@ backyard?@A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?@A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the@ screwing began.
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?@A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?@A: As much as he wants.
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah@ be?@A: A fur coat.
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?@A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?@A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?@A: A cheese grater
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?@A: Two hours of begging.
Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?@A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?@A: Ugly sheep.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?@A: So she can moan with the other!
Randel, n.:@ A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology@ for farting at a friend.@ -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &@ Preposterous Words
Reagan can't act either
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this@country. The remainder is thrown out.
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom@any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,@"My favorite sport is coitus."@ But a fullback from State@ Made her period late,@And now she has athlete's fetus
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth@Whose virtue was largely a myth,@ "Try as hard as I can,@ I can't find a man@That it's fun to be virtuous with."
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is@needed.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight@are unimportant.@ -- Henry Miller
Sex is the poor man's opera.@ -- G. B. Shaw
She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had@you any other way."
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic@candidates for president.@ -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist@ Elizabeth Gould Davis
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
Statisticians do it with 9
onfidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Subpoena, n.:@ From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male@ organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the@ balls."
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!@ -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,@ the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle@ Association
Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if@you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he@forgets?
"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I@am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."@ -- Ronald Reagan
"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled@at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."@ -- Dave Barry
The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable@from the food it produces.
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the@cactus has the pricks on the outside.
... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil@out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.@ -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint@ @My back aches, my pussy is sore;@I simply can't fuck any more;@ I'm covered with sweat,@ And you haven't come yet,@And my God, it's a quarter to four!
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been@putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a@chance to prove it.
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around@in front every time you want to kiss her.
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a@dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick@and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual@curiosity."@ -- Ronald Reagan
The United States Army;@194 years of proud service,@unhampered by progress.
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to@everybody and still nobody likes him.@ -- Jim Samuels
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
"The whole world is about three drinks behind."@ -- Humphrey Bogart
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
"There is a God, but He drinks"@ -- Blore
There once was a couple named Kelley,@Who lived their life belly to belly.@ Because in their haste@ They used Library Paste,@Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
There once was a fiesty young terrier@Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.@ He'd yip and he'd yap,@ Then leap up and snap;@And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
There once was a freshman named Lin,@Whose tool was as thin as a pin,@ A virgin named Joan@ From a bible belt home,@Said "This won't be much of a sin."
There once was a hacker named Ken@Who inherited truckloads of Yen@ So he built him some chicks@ Of silicon chips@And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a lady from Exeter,@So pretty that men craned their necks at her.@ One was even so brave@ As to take out and wave@The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,@Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,@ Said she, "Please stop plumbing,@ I think someone's coming!"@Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
There once was a queen of Bulgaria@Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,@ Till a prince from Peru@ Who came up for a screw@Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There once was a Scot named McAmeter@With a tool of prodigious diameter.@ It was not the size@ That cause such surprise;@'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
There once was a young man named Gene@Who invented a screwing machine@ Concave and convex@ It served either sex@And it played with itself in between.
There was a bluestocking in Florence@Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,@ Till a Spanish grandee,@ Got her off with his knee,@And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
There was a gay countess of Bray,@And you may think it odd when I say,@ That in spite of high station,@ Rank and education,@She always spelled cunt with a "k".
There was a young girl from Hong Kong@Whose cervical cap was a gong.@ She said with a yell,@ As a shot rang her bell,@"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
There was a young girl named Sapphire@Who succumbed to her lover's desire.@ She said, "It's a sin,@ But now that it's in,@Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young girl of Angina@Who stretched catgut across her vagina.@ From the love-making frock@ (With the proper sized cock)@Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young girl of Darjeeling@Who could dance with such exquisite feeling@ There was never a sound@ For miles around@Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
There was a young lad name of Durcan@Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.@ His father said, "Durcan!@ Stop jerkin' your gherkin!@Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There was a young lady from Maine@Who claimed she had men on her brain.@ But you knew from the view,@ As her abdomen grew,@It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
There was a young lady named Clair@Who possessed a magnificent pair;@ At least so I thought@ Till I saw one get caught@On a thorn, and begin losing air.
There was a young lady named Hall,@Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.@ The dress caught on fire@ And burned her entire@Front page, sporting section, and all.
There was a young lady named Twiss@Who said she thought fucking a bliss,@ For it tickled her bum@ And caused her to come@.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
There was a young lady of Norway@Who hung by her toes in a doorway.@ She said to her beau@ "Just look at me Joe@I think I've discovered one more way."
There was a young man from Bel-Aire@Who was screwing his girl on the stair,@ But the banister broke@ So he doubled his stroke@And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young man named Crockett@Whose balls got caught in a socket.@ His wife was a bitch,@ And she threw the switch,@As Crockett went off like a rocket.
There was a young man of Cape Horn@Who wished he had never been born,@ And he wouldn't have been@ If his father had seen@That the end of the rubber was torn.
There was a young man of St. John's@Who wanted to bugger the swans.@ But the loyal hall porter@ Said, "Pray take my daughter!@Those birds are reserved for the dons."
There was a young whore from kaloo@Who filled her vagina with glue.@ She said with a grin,@ "If they pay to get in,@They can pay to get out again too!"
There was an old man of the port@Whose prick was remarkably short.@ When he got into bed,@ The old woman said,@"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
There was an old pirate named Bates@Who was learning to rhumba on skates.@ He fell on his cutlass@ Which rendered him nutless@And practically useless on dates.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:@ Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:@ Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:@ Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter@and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.@ -- Billy Joel
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.@ -- David Mairowitz
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an@actual emergency, you would have known it!
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad@name."@ -- Gore Vidal
"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the@opposite."@ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
Vidi, vici, veni.@(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
Virgin, n.:@ An ugly third grader.
War is menstruation envy.
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at@hand."@ -- James Watt
We have reason to believe that man first@walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.@ -- Lily Tomlin
"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole@country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."@ -- Ronald Reagan
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had@my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely@you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry@Ford?@ @Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
When God created man, She was only testing.
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.@ -- Charles Merrill Smith
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that@can't happen."@ -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's@rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,@Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,@ She explained, "They are flat,@ But think nothing of that --@You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it@so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the@time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are@horses?@ -- G. Gordon Liddy
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them@then she isn't good enough for you.
Women Unite! Make *him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination@ -- Graffito in a women's restroom
Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left@the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."@ -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose@your girlfriend gets the munchies!
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.@ -- Frederick B. Artz
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't@pick your friend's nose.
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to@get back inside.@ -- Heathcote Williams
71:@ 69 with two fingers up your ass.@ -- George Carlin
A bather whose clothing was strewed@By breezes that left her quite nude,@ Saw a man come along@ And, unless I'm quite wrong,@You expected this line to be lewd.
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?@I am not I, I'm a tree."@ But another, more sane,@ Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"@And covered his pants leg with pee.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on@Saturday and is going to do on Monday.@ -- Thomas Ybarra
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for@the first time.@ -- Alfred E. Wiggam
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never@learned to walk.@ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
A hard man is good to find.
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A mathematician named Hall@Has a hexahedronical ball,@ And the cube of its weight@ Times his pecker's, plus eight@Is his phone number -- give him a call..
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a@good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious@scruples and the police."@ -- Mr. Dooley
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately@wrong with a high sense of consistency.@ -- J. K. Galbraith
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.@ -- Phyllis Schlafly
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely@called a liberal.
A pretty young lady named Vogel@Once sat herself down on a molehill.@ A curious mole@ Nosed into her hole --@Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A pretty young maiden from France@Decided she'd "just take a chance."@ She let herself go@ For an hour or so@And now all her sisters are aunts.
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is@having fun.
A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep@up with yesterday.
A remarkable race are the Persians;@They have such peculiar diversions.@ They make love the whole day@ In the usual way@And save up the nights for perversions.
A team playing baseball in Dallas@Called the umpire blind out of malice.@ While this worthy had fits@ The team made eight hits@And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A wanton young lady from Wimley@Reproached for not acting quite primly@ Said, "Heavens above!@ I know sex isn't love,@But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A wanton young lady from Wimley@Reproached for not acting quite primly@ Said, "Heavens above!@ I know sex isn't love,@But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A widow who fancied a man some@Was diddled three times in a hansome.@ When she clamored for more@ Her young man became sore@And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her@drawers."@ --- Blind Lemon Pledge
A worried young man from Stamboul@Founds lots of red spots on his tool.@ Said the doctor, a cynic,@ "Get out of my clinic;@Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western@religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of@Western science."@ -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm@place to shift.
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it@wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.@ -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
An architect fellow named Yoric@Could, when feeling euphoric,@ Display for selection@ Three kinds of erection --@Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
An Army travels on her stomach.
An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets@eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only@person who will sit on its face is its mother.
... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,@and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
Anxiety, n.:@ The first time you can't do it a second time.@ @Panic, n.:@ The second time you can't do it the first time.
"Approximately 8
f our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons@released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and@enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."@ -- Ronald Reagan
Baltimore, n.:@ Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea@ collars.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.@Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.@Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,@Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...@ -- Tom Lehrer
Behold the unborn fetus and@ Weep salt tears crocodilian;@All life is sacred (save, of course,@ An enemy civilian).
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on@gin.@ -- Ralph Nader
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,@For her life held no terrors.@A virgin born, a virgin died:@No hits, no runs, no errors.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all@evil.
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."@ -- Ronald Reagan
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"@ @"Uh, not right now."@ @"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."@ -- "Real Genius"
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
Chaste makes waste.
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found@difficult and not tried.@ -- G. K. Chesterton
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to@fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the@contrary.@ -- Tom Robbins
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
Coito ergo sum
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months@later you wish you'd never come.
Communists do it without class.
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
Conservative, n.:@ One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.@ -- Leo C. Rosten
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? FIRST you rape, THEN you@pillage!!
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee@This visage meek and humble,@And hear this confidential plea@Voiced in reverent mumble:@ Give me Shylock, give me Fagin@ But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!@ -- Ansel Adams
"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement@to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls@himself a 10
merican and is proud of it, is generally 15
n idiot@politically. But the designations may be good business for war@veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have@bled it all they could consequently. And why not?"@ -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a@Communist politician is through, he is through.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for@the people.@ -- Oscar Wilde
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?@ @ ... Seats 500.
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
Do something big -- fuck a giant
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.@"Who else?" answered the patient.
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."@ -- Bo Diddley
Draft beer, not people
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
Eisenhower was very nice,@Nixon was his only vice.@ -- C. Degen
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant@professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a@male schlemiel.@ -- Ewald Nyquist
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling@just a bit unchivalrous ..."@ -- Robert Benchley
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of@women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their@handbags are full.@ -- Earl Wilson
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,@licentious, dirty bum!!
Floppy now, hard later.
Fornication, n.:@ Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but@he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't@punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Getting an education at the University of California is like having@$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
God is an atheist.
"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for@I new that Santa would never lie.
"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
God isn't dead -- he's been busted
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
Grain grows best in shit@ -- Ursula K. LeGuin
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
Great Lover, n.:@ A man who can breathe through his ears.
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
Hackers do it with bugs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
He hated to mend, so young Ned@Called in a cute neighbor instead.@ Her husband said, "Vi,@ When you stitched up his torn fly,@Did you have to bite off the thread?"
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they@HAD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's@qualified for!@ -- Michael Cain
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink@damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own@hands.
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest@in a yak.@ -- Woody Allen
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --@i.e., none to speak of.@ -- Lazarus Long
"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the@government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was@gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be@lucky to escape with our skins!"
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole@ -- John Valby
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
I am an atheist, thank God!
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it@once was ... an arctic wilderness@ -- Steve Martin
I came; I saw; I fucked up
I have a funny daddy@Who goes in and out with me@And everything that baby does@Daddy's sure to see,@And everything that baby says,@My daddy's sure to tell.@You must have read my daddy's verse.@I hope he fries in Hell.@ -- Ogden Nash
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
I once met a lassie named Ruth@In a long distance telephone booth.@ Now I know the perfection@ Of an ideal connection@Even if somewhat uncouth.
"I own my own body, but I share"
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of@oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate@commerce.@ -- J. Edgar Hoover
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.@ -- Barry Goldwater
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else@that has ever happened, and vice versa.@ -- Frank Zappa
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that@scares the shit out of me.@ -- R. Geis
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on@now.
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,@it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French@government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.@ -- Groucho Marx
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to@watch him have another."
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't@work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
